Freedom comes from Confinement

Please do me a favor, anyone who reads this......Don't EVER ask a gay person this question. Why do I bring this up at a time I should be studying my ass off? This was brought up recently in a few blogs I've been reading and an online conversation I had. I did not just one day to up and decide I was gay, there was a point in my life when I finally accepted it, that's how it happened for me. Some know from birth, others don't figure it out until later in life, and some, like me, know the whole time but struggle and fight the idea until it's just too strong to turn from. As far back as I can remember I've always felt this way. While boys in grade school were talking about girls having cooties, I firmly believed it and I guess it never went away. I have always admired the same sex. I have been thinking back as far back as I can and even in elementary school I could tell you who the hotties were, back then I couldn't have told you they were hot, I would have...

Well I finally did it. I spent a nice chunk of money on a new line of work. Not to replace the store (well at least not yet...LOL) but to replace the two part time jobs I work besides the store. I registered for the online course to study for my Ohio Insurance License test. It's a requirement to sit for the test. From what I hear the test is compared to the Ohio Bar exam. I'm so freaking scared and nervous, I do badly at tests. It will require me to take a good portion of a day off to sit for a proctored exam to prove I can pass the online course, that's in Toledo. Then I have to register for the state test that will be taken in Columbus. I have no idea how I'm going to get the time to do it, but it's summer and I can call in a few favors. It has been a long time since I've had to study for anything, it's so frightening. I'm excited at the possibilities, but nervous I'll screw this all up and I won't be smart enough to do this. I hate the ...

Oh yes, there are little things in life that make it so much fun. There is nothing I love more than visiting someplace new, driving down a new road, experiencing new things, big or small, it doesn't matter, I just get addicted to the feeling of newness. So I went golfing for the first time. It was nearly as bad as I thought it would be, I actually kind of liked it. Of course it's going to require some practice before I attempt it again. I made good contact and sometimes good distance, but I had no idea where the ball would end up, all I knew was that it wasn't going to end up on the fairway. :) Another first I had was driving a golf cart, Oh, now that was my favorite part of the day really, those things are just soooo much fun! S thought I was trying to kill him, but you don't know how to really drive something until you know how it handles right? Sorry S. :) Besides being WAY to cold out we had a really great day golfing, and I learned why people love it so much,...

O.K. it's been a week of firsts for me, I would love to post this on my other blog, but there are things I don't want people to identify me with, a part of me feels ashamed, but another part of me is o.k. with it all. No I didn't turn into a man whore over night (although in other circumstances......) This past week I went golfing for the first time, which wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. 31 years and I had never gone golfing, it was a good time and I really enjoyed it. I drove a golf cart for the first time. I have ridden in them before but the people I was with enjoyed driving it so much I just let them, it meant more to them than it did to me at the time. It seems so silly, but there are so many simple things I've never experienced. Tonight for the first time I got talked into a go-cart. I've never driven one because my size has always shyed me away from things like this, but tonight I did it. I had a blast. Things like this are so simple.....

I usually fill this blog with sad and depressing things, but this entry is going to be good, nothing but good!!! So today F called me to tell me he was looking at his beautiful baby girl named Carris (not sure of the spelling yet). But yeah!!!! She came a few days early but I've never heard him happier, I just can't wait to see her! 8lbs. and some change and 19" long! I just can't wait!!!!!!! I love being fun uncle Pete!! Woot!!!! As much as I don't like children for a good 10 years of their lives I really love it when babies are born, they are so tiny and just so darn cute!! Last night I had a GREAT night! Had some good food, good neighbors and just had a merry old time!!! I was at the neighbors, and while I stayed up WAY past any person's reasonable bedtime and I'm paying for it today, but I had such a great time! It was the perfect ending to a very odd day (mentally--side note: when you have an anxiety disorder, do NOT drink energy drinks!) There are...

I see you sitting there hurting, I hear the pain in your voice and I want to comfort you. You tell me about your home life and the messed up situation you find yourself in every day, not wanting to go home, not wanting to be with your family. I see how you were hurt by her, I listen and care I care......I care too much I think. I can't hold you, I can't tell you it's going to be alright, I can't say the things I want to say....I can't because you would never look at me the same. I want to hold you and tell you that you are beautiful, I want to tell you how funny and wonderful you are, how you bring a smile to my face just by the thought of you. Not because I enjoy staring at you, but because I enjoy spending time with you. I don't normally spend an extra 1/2 hour chatting with crew members after the store is closed, I don't normally care about what's going on in their private lives....but you......you are special......you are different to me......I ac...

I'm starting to think I should just call this "Weekend updates with Pete" But nah, eventually I'll have the time to write other things when they are in my head, not a week later when I've forgotten some valid points! ;) Friday was rather dull, but it was nice. Spent some time with the neighbors and had some good conversations regarding business and family and connecting the two or disconnecting the two, whichever the case may be. But it was good. Saturday was a long boring day here with everyone busy except me. :( But I did alright, then off to work and then off to clean and then back home to watch six feet under some more. Sunday was church, dinner with my mother and family, watching more six feet under, and then dinner with my grandma and the whole family. It was a good time. It seems it's the time for medical problems in my family, everyone seems to be going through something. It's pretty scary to listen to the lists of meds everyone is on, I'm ...

So have you ever read a blog of someone who was a friend of a friend of a friend....and realize how similar the two of you think, even though you've never met, you've never talked, or emailed or even known about each other that long? I'm just simply amazed. The notice I find is that he's actually able to verbalize/ put into words the way I feel somedays. It's very strange to me as I read these other blogs how as I read them I'm shaking my head, or thinking "That's exactly how I feel and I couldn't have said it that way" I wonder through blogger.com thinking what am I doing writing a blog? There are so many good blogs out there. They have substance, they use great vocabulary, they are about things that mean something, they all have such deep thoughts in them, and I wonder when in the hell will I be able to come up with that stuff? Is it that my mind is just too simple? Is it the lack of conversational skills? Is it a lack of education (altho...

Updates Well it's been five months since my last update so I thought I would update everyone on what's happening here at the store. Not much really. Tax season is over and Hoop's accounting had a record year, he's very happy that he's moved in and will be around all year round! Studio South is doing well and growing, they hired their fourth stylist, so give them a call and let them transfrom you! 419-592-1012, any of the girls can help you, they all do such a wonderful job! Since the update we have welcomed another renter into the Mohring's building. AFLAC. My neighbors moved their office from Toledo into a nice little space next to the beauty shop and have been quite happy. It has been nearly three months since their arrival and the space is beautiful! If any of you are interested in carrying AFLAC for yourself, your family or the company you work for let me know. In the next two months I will be becoming a licenced insurance agent and joining the AFLAC t...

Yes, what a crazy word huh? But I'm so filled with it right now I could just explode. I get myself so worked up at times and I think......"It's no wonder this is one of the seven deadly sins" I know, weird thoughts at times, that's me! As I sat next to him....talking to him.....he thought I was listening, but all I could do was stare at his lips and think......"One more drink and I'm going to make out with him" I just wanted to grab him and make out like a mad man, but that's not who I am. I'm an internal creature, the life I lead in my head is way crazier than the life I live on the outside. If people could really see inside of my head I'd have to card them. :) I'm reaching a point where if I don't get to touch someone, or kiss someone I'm going to just go crazy. I'm not talking erotic touch, I'm just simply talking about holding hands, or leaving my hands on a chest, something, anything. Last night a guy at work tri...

I feel like I'm trapped right now, trapped in the center of a vortex of emotion. So much bitterness and anger and despair around me, mixed in with my own feelings of everything. I'm not sad, and yet I'm sad, I'm not angry and yet I am angry, just everything swallowing me whole and yet leaving me on the outside to watch everything. I feel like there is nothing I can do for the people around me, I watch them in pain and sorrow and despair and there is nothing I can do. At the same time I'm going through the same emotions and there is nothing anyone else can do and it freaks me out at times. I just haven't been sleeping and I need to change that. Change is on the horizon, changes I'm making for myself, to better me and my life, to get back the life I once thought I had. I'm not sure it will work out, I'm not sure it is the clear answer, but nothing I have ever done has seemed clear, and yet here I am, still on an adventure every day. This could cha...

So I actually had a good weekend, for once it was filled with laughter and goodness and relaxation, I love every minute of it! I know, strange feeling huh? Friday I went off and shopped for my basic necessities like soap and shaving cream and such and realized how crazy Wal-Mart is on a Friday night. I figured I'd be safe because I thought maybe people had lives and wouldn't be at Wal-Mart on a Friday night, but obviously I was wrong, it was filled with every age of idiot known to man. I guess I have to include myself in there as I was there on a Friday night. But I found what I needed and ran off out of there. I finally got home and relaxed, had an evening of watching Six Feet Under, no house plans, no cleaning, nothing but me, a couple of snacks and relaxing, it was good. Saturday I got up and took a shower and started the day without stress. I had the store covered for the day so I didn't have to help customers, didn't answer the phone, it was great. I helped set...

I've been sitting here the last few days thinking about what to blog about when this random story popped into my head. I believe it was about 10 years ago, the actual year escapes me at the moment and it's not really important, but I think it was the "year of change" as I call it. I had decided during that year to start my life over, to move away and do the things I always wanted to do, to let the past go and move forward. I came to this conclusion through many physical signs and much, much prayer, and everything seemed to be leading me this way. I had promised God that if he saw me through this time that when I started over I would start over as a straight man, to give up all impure thoughts towards men and rid myself of all gay items in my life. I'm no puritan, I had "stuff", stuff that for my own comfort I will not list here, but I remember them vividly, nothing exotic or strange, simple things like ads I found, gay articles, and playing cards with...