Yikes! I know what you're thinking. First blog out of the gates and he's touching on such a controversial topic as religion?? What's he thinking??
I'm not, that's part of the problem, or am I thinking too much? hmmm.....
So anyway, I went to church yesterday for the first time in months. My job keeps me worn down so much and so I've been taking Sunday's as a day of rest. When I was going at first I couldn't stay awake so I gave up and worshiped in my own way on my own time. But Sunday was different, I decided to go.
Usually I sit in church and I am filled with happy feelings. I feel closer to everyone, I feel closer to God and I feel connected. But yesterday that was different.
The older I'm getting the more accepting I am of myself and the fact that I am gay. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with it and I hurt many people in the process. I'm not an obvious case of "duh, I knew he was gay, look at how he talks/walks/uses his hands too much when he's talking" I'm a very normal quiet shy guy who very few have suspected anything about. Anyway I'm now 30 years old and have accepted my sexuality, and the more I accept it the more I wonder how it will effect the lives of those around me. How will it change if it ever comes to the surface?
So again, I'm sitting at church and I'm listening to the words of the sermon and I keep thinking: What happens to these words if they find out I'm gay? Will these words suddenly be followed by the words "except for you"? How can I worship with people that would shun me from church if they found out? I grew up in that church and suddenly I'd be unwelcomed in the church of God? I know these people and how they think. We have one gay couple who tried to attend but certain members made them feel very unwelcomed while the others just ignored the whole thing. In my church homosexuality has been deemed a sin. Well let me rephrase that, active homosexuality is a sin. As long as you're celebant you are not against God, but when you are a practicing homosexual you are a sinner who needs help. They do not condon active homosexuality. I'm not asking my church to condon me sucking dick any more than the 32 year old dentist that beats his wife, or the guy across the isle that is sleeping with his secretary. But do we shun them from church? Nope. We beleive they are accepted because they are man and woman. I've battled with this most of my life, if God didn't make me this way, then who did?
I do not choose to be this way, I've tried so hard in my mind and my heart to choose the straight life, to avoid the persecution, to avoid the hate and the anger, and yet here I am. This is a part of me. I did not choose to be gay anymore than my brother chose to be straight. It's all in who we are. It's not everything I am, but it's a part of who I am. How could God not accept me for who I am? Who he made me to be? Are you going to stand there and tell me that my ever loving God, my all knowing, all powerfull and omnipitent God is going to send me away? My God that I have worshiped all my life, the one and only God who loves unconditionally will send me to the firey pits of hell because I wish to share my life with someone I love? Someone who is not a deviant, not a sexual preditor, not an abuser, just your run of the mill average joe. Are you telling me that the 22% of marriages that are terrible, filled with people that hate each other is so much better than me finding someone I love and respect? Just because I want to live my life with another man?
Where is the religion that accepts gay people? The religion that accepts people for who they are, not who they pretend to be. Is this the real reason I haven't been going to church? Could my subconsious be guiding me? Or is it my self defense mechanism taking over and protecting me from being hurt by yet more people? One of my support people for my business is gay. He's open about it, not to the point of shoving it in your face, but he's very honest and open and so is his partner. I listen to the things being said, see how they treat him without even knowing him and it makes me sick! Someday I'll be confident enough to ask him how he deals with it, how he puts up with it.
Part of my church problem is the fact that I spent my youth imgaining getting married there. What it would look like, the feeling of standing up front declaring my love for another person, and I know that it will never happen. Reality comes shattering in to the thought of this: Even if I came out and found someone would my family be comfortable enough to go to a comittment ceremony? Even if they were comfortable with the gay thing, seeing it is a whole nother ball game. The man I hope to find would have the great sense of humor, the feeling of family, be able to talk sports with my uncles. Being gay isn't always interior decorating and fashion. Can I get them to see that? Or would I not be accepted by the family either, or maybe I wouldn't be allowed to bring anyone with me. I've never been a public touchy feely type of guy so it's not like I would be making out with the guy on the dinner table!
Maybe I'm over thinking it, maybe they would be very accepting. I know a few would, but I worry about others. My parents make me the most nervous. They have supported me in everything I've ever done, would they be there for me then? I think over the years my mother has become suspicious, and I think over time she would be able to deal with it. Maybe not fully accept it, but deal with it I think she could do. My father, well he's gruff on the outside, but we're the same person on the inside. I talk to my father alot, he knows I'm not the strong "I'll kick your ass" type, he knows I'm a little different, but I'm not sure he thinks anything other than that. I honestly think he'd get past it as well, but why rock the boat at this point? Why get everyone in a hissy if I've never even been with a guy, I've never kissed a man, I've never even gropped a guy (well sober anyway). If I never found anyone to date would it be worth it? Or should I just wait until there is a need to tell them.
But yeah, the religous thing scares me too. I've heard the arguments on both sides and they both have logical points, what if my decision is wrong? I would never want to willfully live a life against God. It's a discussion I would love to have with my pastor because he is the most understanding person I've met in my life. But how confidential can it be? They say he lets it in one ear and leaves it locked up, but what if it's something like this? Who can I trust? I trust random people on the internet, but never anyone who knows me? I've come close to telling my best friend, but I worry he'll change how we talk, or what we talk about. I don't want that. When people come out of the closet it seems like thier whole lives have to be about being gay, wether they want it to or not. While it is a big part of who I am, at the same time it's just a mere portion of who I am.
I know I'm not the only person with these questions, with these feelings, but if I don't talk about them somewhere I knew I would just explode, so I think this is why the first entry is going to be the longest.
I yearn to have someone next to me at night. I yearn for touch. While I was trying to be straight that was my favorite part. Snuggling up to my girlfriend, falling asleep with her against me. To hug, to kiss, to know what love is. It really sounds like a ballad from the eighties doesn't it? I've come to sleeping embrassing a pillow. Everynight pretending it's a warm man I love I get to get close with. I put my hand on his chest and my head on his shoulder and drift off to sleep listening to his rythmic breathing. To feel his bare chest under my palm and not feel ashamed, to have his arm around me and feeling safe. To snuggle on the couch with eachother, to just be comfortable around another person, oh how I yearn for it all. And of course the hot wild sex that would happen in between.
On a lighter and more sexual note I love the male body. I love to stare at it. I love shirtless men, I love men in shorts, in pants, in suits, in jeans, in anything and out of anything. The man that finally gets me will love the first time I make him lay totally nude and let me lick, smell and feel every square inch of his body. It's been a fantasy of mine for so long. ARG!!!!! I want it. 30 years of hormones will someday be unleashed upon some unknowing man, how I can't wait. You can only masturbate so much, and it's just not doing it anymore. I need to feel him.
Well I think that's enough for today, you can probably expect random thoughts on this blog, general what's happening in my life entries as well as sexual fantasies, I have a million. Everytime I see my neighbor outside about a million more come to mind. Now if you excuse me I have to go stare some more at the shirtless hottie across the street. ; )