So I find myself wondering what gay dating would be like. In my previous relationship with women there really hasn't been much "dating" persae. They were both friends first so we just skipped over the whole dating part. I don't think I've really been on a real date before. How sad is that at my age? I did go on one blind date seveal years ago, but it was horrible, and it was a double date, so I don't really count it. So anyway, I've been wandering around the chub dating sites, as I am a chub I want someone who is either turned on by the idea of a chub or at least knows what they are in for.
Chub dating sites for the bigger cities are really great, but for someone who lives in a very small town and isn't close enough to a big enough city to make it viable. I'm saddened by this fact. But these are the choices I made in my life. I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to live away? I would like to think I would take that opportunity to change my life into living a life of who I am, but I lived away for several years prior to moving back and I didn't do a damn thing with my personal life there either. To the people I still know up there I'm the straight man. I had a prime opportunity living in a very large city with so many different cultures I could have lived the life, and yet I was too ashamed and not ready to accept who I really was. Just the occasional boughts of "gayness" as I used to call it. Like my weekend phone sex escapades. Thought my rommate wasn't home that night, turns out he was. I'm pretty sure he heard the moaning as well as the conversation coming from my room. He hasn't spoken to me since and it was 4 years ago. It was a long 6 monts of living together when your roommate isn't talking to you. But it was my own stupidity.
I re-read some of the items I post and it seems like I've been whining alot. I'm usually not that type of person, I think alot of it has to do with my current situation, and the rest? Well I guess there is one thing in my life I regret. It's the fact that I'm not brave enough to live like who I am, I put on this charade and pretend to be something I'm not. Making up excuses as to why I'm not dating, making excuses as to why I'm 30 and single. Eventually the jig will be up, but then again I have had a couple of family members who passed away in thier 80's and were never married, so maybe I can claim it's in the blood.
But I'm so ready to date. I want to feel the feeling that is only possible when you first meet someone. I want to cuddle on the couch and watch movies, I'd like to hold hands when walking through a park just talking. I want to put my head on his chest and listen to him breath, I want to crawl ontop of him and massage him after a long day. I want to be able to be naked and be accepted by someone!!! Wow, am I pathetic or what?
I'm so ronry, so ronry and sorrro and sad, it's kind of sirlly, but not rirrry. (Sorry a little song from Team American for you) I am, I'm so lonely. I used to get into lonely moods when I first moved on my own. I would cry myself to sleep some nights because all I ever wanted was arms wrapped around me, someone to rub my back and tell me it was going to be o.k because we had eachother. And yet, no one. I'm not a willy nilly boy, I am straight acting, I have many gay interests which people question, but I'm tired of being the strong one in the relationship, I want to lean on someone, to be able to lean "into" someone. Someday right? I hope so.
So yeah I'll end this entry on a lonely note. I'll fall asleep tonight cuddling with my pillow dreaming my hand is running over my boyfriend's chest as he leans down to kiss my head and rub my back as I drift off to sleep.