I belong to an online forum that I frequent and today there was a post that was titled: "Are you happy being gay"
It was from a man who has had a bad run of relationships and is basing his entire life on crappy relationships. Now most of the responces were the same, that all relationships straight and gay are good and bad, and you have to get through the bad ones to find the good ones. But I think they missed the point. The question is quite different to me. Are you happy being gay?
My answer is this: I don't know. I don't know if I'm happy being gay because I keep it hidden. Being gay to me is filled with anxiety, wishing, wanting, and dreaming. How can one be happy hiding himself? I have anxiety about what my life would become if it was known I was gay. People would look at me different and act different towards me, that's even if they were o.k. with it. I know that my one "friend" would never speak to me again and never let me see my god child again. He's suspicious and dropped enough hints to that effect. He's very homophobic and since the height of his susupisions, he has no asked me to sit for the kid and hasn't invited me around as much. I'm not sure what exactly happened that brought his susupicions to it's highest point, I've been fairly careful around him and the people he knows. But he's known me long enough, maybe he picked up on something. I couldn't care less if he was out of my life, he's proved himself already to not be a real friend, but to never see the child again breaks my heart. But being raised in such a manner the child will never speak to me when he gets older either. So why the anxt? I have no idea if that's how I spell that or not.
I have a hard time letting go. I know that when people come out of the closet that the people around them are waiting to see the stereotypical flamer come rushing out of thier blood stream. I'm still the same person I was when I thought I was gay. I'd still be uncomfortable telling some of you about my sex life, just as much now as I was then. Nothing changes, in me anyway.
Am I happy being gay? I guess we'll have to see. I know who I am right now, it makes me nervous, it's make me anxious, it makes me scared and it makes me sad, but it's who I am. I have accepted that, well mostly. A part of me thinks that once I'm with a man I may not like it, that it won't be anything that I thought it would be and want to give it up, but the rest of me trusts in my instincts. Sex with women has done nothing for me. I got through it because lets face it, I was a horny kid, I'd sleep with anything that let me!!! But now that I'm older, I want more.
Growing up I never could have pictured living my life with another man, it wasn't norm, it wasn't the picture that was shown before me. But as I grow older and meet new people and see new things I realize it's so natural. If it is who you are, it's very natural, it's like spending the rest of your life with your best friend. I can't wait to meet that person. The person that will know who I am, that will know my fears, what makes me happy, and what really turns me on. I want to lay in bed with a man and not feel self conscious, to let my mind just stop and live in the moment. I long for that moment. I also long to snuggle again, oh how I miss it.
I submitted an anonymous love letter to the man I love. It could never be and I'm realistic about it, but it felt good to write it out. He'll never see it, which is a good thing, but it made me feel better. One of the people online I talk to told me that it's very unhealthy to love your best friend when you know it will never happen, but why is that? I don't expect anything different from him, I don't treat him any different than I do my other best friend, so how unhealthy can it be? Some day a man will sweep me off my feet and I'll still love my best friend. What would be unhealthy would be if I were to try and act on my feelings towards him. That could be disasterous. In this big bad world he is one of two people outside of my family that I trust. He's my best friend.
So am I happy being gay? I'll let you know when I know. I try to not let it get me down too much, I know when it's time it will happen. But how much different would it be being gay? I still hate clubs, and I wouldn't change myself, so what would be so different? I'd probably still end up dateless (lol) so my life would be exactly the same.
After this revolution, I'll ask myself one last time.
Are you happy being gay?
How about you?
If anyone reads this can they please leave a comment. I just want to know that someone is reading this somewhere. Even if you don't like it, that's cool too.