So I'm in for a really long week, one right after another. I'm working 17 1/2 hours a day for the last week and still have another week to go. I love what I do, and these two weeks are worth it in the end, but the stress and the lack of sleep is going to kill me. I've been at this for almost two years now and I'm slowly making headway but I'm exhausted.
It's not that I don't know I have to pay my dues, I'm paying my dues, but I'm so tired. I have no idea how long this will go on, and I'm not sure how long I can do it. I feel like I'm such a huge disappointment to everyone. That I can't get this store to pay the bills, that I can't afford to pay my own, that I'm still borrowing money from time to time from my parents. I work so I can stop that, I work more to try even harder to keep that from happening. I work and I work and I work to try and pay back my parents what I've borrowed. They say they are not in a rush, but my parents are in their sixties and I borrowed part of their retirement fund. I can't stand the thought, but I couldn't talk them out of it. I had such high hopes for this, such lofty goals. I didn't borrow near enough money to do this. I'm trying to compete with stores that have hundreds of thousands in inventory. Looking around I have ten thousand if I'm lucky, and I'm not that lucky. How do I think I can do this? How did I think this would work?
I have still have hopes and dreams for this place, but I'm not sure I'll survive to the end. There are days I just want to lock the doors and walk away, but I can't. My brother would be upset to see his construction work handed over to someone else, my parents wouldn't see something completed, but where do I draw the line between disappointment and failure?
I sitll don't regret doing this, not in the least. I had a dream and I'm trying to achieve it. I just don't have the energy or drive I had at one time, where can I find it? Suppliers are blocking me, they give me the run around and I could just scream!!!!
But I digress, I created this to get my personal and most private thoughts out, no one lets me say them outloud and some of them I can't say out loud. Not yet.