Sunday, March 22, 2009
Today at church with B the awesome band they have played an very upbeat version of this song, a traditional hymn that should be uplifting and inspiring, but it's been almost 8 years since I've been able to sing it, hear it, or recite the words without tears. I did a pretty good job fighting it off today and not making a scene, deep breaths and diverting attention to other things.
I'm sad because I love that hymn, I love the words, I love the melody, and I love that it was my grandma M's favorite hymn of all time. Which is why it was only right to sing it when we burried my grandpa M, or why it happened to also be sung at every funeral I've ever had to attend for the people I have loved. Each time I hear that song now I am taken back, back to the day of her funeral, back to that pew shoulder to shoulder with my sister and brother, back to watching them wheel her casket into place, back to having to get up and carry my grandmother's casket out of the church and out to the hurst. That song now haunts me, every time I hear it I relive that day of my life, I relive the pain and the sorrow, not because that's what grandma wanted, she wanted the opposite, but because it is forever engrained into my mind for that day and it never gets easier.
I miss her so much, I wish I could talk to her, I wish I could hug her, I just wish I could sit in her living room and just talk with her one last time. I know she would want us to remember the good times, but the funeral and settling the estate afterwards was one of the hardest and heart wrenching things our family has ever had to do and it change us forever. My sister has not been to the cemetary yet and can not even bring herself to drive past her house, even after 8 years, and none of us can get through this song because we all have the same feelings.
The one thing that helped me today was this song started in the midst of my thoughts of the future, contemplating my future and sorting out my religious issues brought to light by the sermon today and it was like she was there with me today, comforting me and letting me know that it's o.k to be scared and nervous about the future of all of these issues, about the potential outcome of each of these issues I'm currently going through. So while I was heart broken all over again, by the end I felt a sense of hope and excitement for the things to come, for the life I'm trying to take back and things I'm trying to right in my mind and my heart.
I miss you grandma.