It has been too long since I've updated this blog, partially because I've been too deep in thought, and partly because I've been so exhausted lately, and partly because I haven't had much to say lol.
I've been giving a lot of thought to B's blog "Who we hold close" I've had to examine a few of my relationships due to some circumstances that were beyond my control but have opened my eyes. There are two people I have decided I need to cut my ties with, not completely, but I need to not hold them as close.
I have spoken of I before, my infatuation with him and my concern for his well being, but I knew all along I held him close for all the wrong reasons. I did care for him as a person, but I had to ask myself, if he wasn't as cute, would I care as much? He did have a great personality that instantly drew me to him, and I guess I'll never really be able to answer that question, but I know that our ages and our upbringings puts us at different points of our lives. I hope I had some kind of impact on his life, but I know he's better off out doing the things that he's doing and gaining the life experience he needs to go on with his own life. It's better I'm not there, I'd probably hold myself back from things just to spend time with him and it's not who I am. I would never turn him away if he was in need of help, but I must not keep trying to communicate, if he wants to communicate he knows how to find me.
The other person is G, my neighbor. This has to be the hardest thing I've had to come to terms with lately. Things are estranged and I feel like he blames me for something, but I don't know what. He's drowning in his own decisions and doesn't seem to want me to be a part of anything, so I've decided to stop trying, and just let it go. The more I thought about it the more angry it made me and the more I realized I'm better off with him out of my life. I don't think it will be forever, but after this I just couldn't go back to the same type of relationship we had last year.
I realized that over the last month my life has become closer to the life I enjoy. My store and office are not constantly filled with people, beer cans and smoke. My inventory does not come up missing and I'm not constantly in stress mode. My brother seems to be more motivated during the day and neither of us is drinking as much as we were last year. Life seems to have improved since everything happened, so I decided why on earth would I chase after that life again? I've made my attempts at showing I cared about him and his family, but he refuses to acknowledge it at all, so why do I keep trying? We were even at the same party and he hardly spoke to me at all even though I treated him like I always did so he would feel comfortable and less self conscious. It was at that moment I decided it's not my problem anymore.
He's made communication efforts to all of his friends and our mutual friends, all except me. Perhaps he's pissed at me for something, but if I don't even know what I did, then how can I fix it if it needs fixing. So I've decided to not hold him as close as I once did.
It's been a long couple of weeks, and I'm desperately looking forward to my vacation from job #2 that starts on the 18th, and my trip to Cinci. I haven't traveled in nearly three months and I'm just going stir crazy around here, I can't wait to hit the road! It will be a GREAT weekend in Cinci!!!
So I'll try to keep this updated a little more, but I can't make promises. :)
Have a good one.