Thursday, April 1, 2010

Wonder if it's a pattern

So today was a day I never saw coming. I have taken Xanex before, it helps me handle stress and allows me to laugh more, but today I discovered I really needed it to cope.

It's never really happened before, not like this. This morning I really truly had a hard time convincing myself to get out of bed. I've had days where I didn't want to get out of bed, but it was because I was tired or just too comfy. But this morning I was different. Getting out of bed just seemed so overwhelming, the idea of being a member of society was more than I could take.

After an hour or so I finally convinced myself to just take it step by step. Get out of bed, then to make coffee, etc... I managed to get into my usual routine for the morning. Then I had to get some banking done and headed into my office to get the deposits and such made and came across the stack of bills and nearly lost it. The stupid thing is there is money to pay those bills, I have the stamps I need to mail them, I have everything I need to pay them and have them done but the thought of them just freaked me out.

I checked the messages on my machine and had a message from my brother about spending a day at my parents cutting a tree down and I went into hysterics about having one day off and a whole series of things that made no sense. The scary thing was, no one was in the room with me and I wasn't talking to anyone. I had a message from work that just got me worked up even more and it didn't really say anything at all, but it came in at 6am and it was enough for me to lose it. All this in a mere 1/2 hour of sitting at my desk in my office.

I knew I was in trouble for the day so I dug out my stash of Xanex and popped one right away. By the time I got to work I was feeling good again and the day went well.

I'm all for medications to correct any kind of chemical unbalance, I'm not too proud, I'm not ashamed, but I was shocked. It was a whole new experience and it scared me. I kept wondering if this was going to be a continuous thing or if my diet is out of balance again. The only thing I worry about is the fact that I have a limited supply of Xanex to last me. I can only hope that if this is going to happen more often it at least waits until I get health insurance to help pay for the doctor and prescription.

This last year has been the hardest at getting old. There have been so many issues that have come up that make me realize I'm not young anymore. My body is telling me it's time to grow up.......and that sucks.

But I'm here to say I'm doing better. The xanex has worn off and I'm still o.k. I know that if I wake up the same way tomorrow morning, I'll be just fine.

1 comment:

  1. You can always call me or Cody. Sometimes just talking through it helps.

    And check out if Wal-Mart has Xanax on their cheap list!