Thursday, April 8, 2010

Boy Crazy

So this phrase has been weighing on my mind the last few months. B talked about being boy crazy when she was going through some of her stuff when I was down in Cinci last time and it came up again when S mentioned it when we went out last month or so. I had really been getting down on myself about being too boy crazy the last six months or so but I've recently realized everyone goes through this, I've just seemed to hit it much later in life than most.

Early on in my life all of my guy friends went through the girl crazy period. I stayed silent through most of this period because I really had no interest. These girls were my friends and I didn't think of them that way. In fact I didn't see any girl in that way, I was crazy about some of my friends and many of their friends, but I knew from my up bringing that it was wrong and I shouldn't even open my mouth even a little bit about the subject. I would listen the girls I was friends with go nuts over the guys and I knew then too I should keep my mouth shut. So I stayed silent, never allowing myself to verbalize the thoughts that were in my head. I didn't know why I felt that way, I just figured I would change later in life.

I spent so much time as a kid staying quiet. Not really discussing much about what was in my head with anyone because I knew it wouldn't go over well. I prayed every night to be like everyone else, sometimes I would fake it in hopes it would just change me if I just got used to it, but it never helped. I knew I wasn't alone in the world, but in the late eighties, I was made to believe my thoughts were there because satan was trying to get to me. I poured myself into my youth group, but I didn't fit in. I was ridiculed and made fun of through my entire church childhood and after confirmation I swore to never be with those people again, and so far I haven't.

At one point I thought I could confide in my friend A. We spent so much time together and it was like he understood me and cared for me like a best friend should. I remember one weekend I was spending the night at his house which I frequently did in those years. We were sitting on the fold away bed talking and just chatting about everything because that's what we did and he said he had something very difficult to tell me and told me he was gay. I went silent and began to pace around the garage not sure what to say. I kept asking about his girlfriends and things like that and he kept asking if I was alright. I wasn't really thinking about anything except how to tell him I was too. This was probably in seventh grade or so.

I thought this was my chance to finally talk about it and get it out of my head. But before I finally had the nerve to say anything after probably 10 minutes and me telling him it was o.k. and he was my friend regardless he told me he was joking and proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes talking about how disgusting it was but how cool of a friend I was. A little part of our friendship died that night, and a little part of me died that night. I vowed to myself I would never speak of being gay for the rest of my life.

I put all my thoughts to the back of my head and refused to acknowledge their existence. I spent the next several years pretending to chase the unattainable girls. Girls I knew would never give me the time of day because I didn't want to catch them, I just wanted people to think I just had taste above what I could have. It worked for several years.

As the last few years have gone by and some of my closest friends now know I've allowed myself to look and I guess I finally entered my boy crazy phase. I'm trying to let myself off the hook a bit, allowing myself this phase that everyone else goes through, even if it's many years after most. I'm not dating like a wild man and doing crazy things in this phase like many of my friends, I'm just looking.

With looking back at the good, comes memories of the bad. Things have changed and there is no going back, only moving forward. I'm still finding my way, I just need to give myself a break on somethings and keep learning along the way. :)

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