This is where the title goes

With the announcement of the passage of the variance last week and the last article in the paper my sales have truly hit rock bottom.  As far as this town is concerned the deal is done and I'm gone.  It's frustrating, but at the same time exciting as the deal grows closer. 

I got some guff today about not being more excited, about not bouncing off the walls with excitement to be done.  I shrug it off but when my father asked me about it too I told him the truth, it's not done, it's still far from done.  Every time I get an email, or every time the buyer comes into the store or calls I keep waiting for the words.."I changed my mind, I'm walking away"  It's crazy I know, he's got money invested, he's announced on his website that he'll be moving in May, he's been quoted in the paper that with the passing of the variance that the deal was sealed.......and yet it's not.  There is no contract, no official agreement.  I know I should have more faith in the situation, but I really don't know this guy all that well.  I know his siblings well, I know his parents fairly well, but I really know nothing about this guy.

I guess reading B's blogs lately really have me thinking about how true it is in my life.  I've put a lot of faith in people, in the relationships I have and so few are ever real.  I don't know why I chose this relationship to figure this out on and pull away from, but it's probably because there is so much at stake on this deal. 

I do have excitement, but it comes in moments.  It comes at times when I'm zoning in on a boring commercial and my mind wanders and I imagine watching movies with B, or imagine the possibilities of the future in a new city, and new surroundings!  But then the moment passes and I worry about everything standing in my way.  It's a house of cards in my mind, just waiting to fall down.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, the rug to be pulled out from underneath me, and all the rest of the metaphors I can't think of right now. lol.

I guess I'll just wait it out, I'll feel so much better hopefully after the appraisal is done and the biggest mystery of all has been answered.  Just a few more weeks.

So with my birthday coming up, I'm reminded of the post I wrote last year.  It still holds true, and I'm just thinking it's probably not going to be one of the dancers, but I can wish can't I?  S offered to drive if it meant we could still go to the city.  He's the one that introduced me to the bar to begin with, I know he likes it and would rather go there than some of the teen clubs in the college town near by.  So it looks like it could be back on. 

This year as I started thinking about my birthday and that post, a phrase keeps playing over and over in my head.  It's a line from the beginning of a classic Disney movie that I love.."How could anyone learn to love a beast?"  I know it's crazy because I can be a really lovable guy, but the image I have of myself is just that, a beast.  I have a really hard time convincing myself that I'm worthy of love, and those moments that I start to believe that I'm worthy I think that no one could ever learn to love me even if I do deserve it.  I know that I'm never going to get anywhere with that attitude.  I really do believe I am my own worst enemy. 

I took my actual birthday off of work and thought maybe my family would want to celebrate with me, but I was told today that they were going to be out of town.  It's a long story about savings and such and time frames of who was available when, they are traveling with my aunt and grandmother and it just worked out for that.  They also assumed I would be celebrating with friends, which was a safe assumption most years, but it's going to work out.  I have a good friend that's moving away at the end of the month and it turns out that my birthday was the only day between now and then that we have to get together and she's super excited that it's my birthday and is planning to take me out to dinner and celebrate, so it's going to be a great night.  It was just kind of punch in the gut at first. 

I really need to quiet this little voice in my head that brings out these stupid thoughts.  I know they are irrational, I know they aren't true, and I just can't stop them.  For those people who believe they live in my head could you please track this voice down and kill it please?  Don't worry about the mess, my mind is filthy already it will just fit in. (I swear sometimes I really do crack myself up)

So those are the ramblings in my head today.  I just need to calm the hell down and relax.  It's going to be fine, I'm going to go on and live a healthy wonderful life with a wife and kids a house in the subburbs........oh wait, that's totally not me.  How about my hot male stripper and I living in a loft apartment high above the city and enjoying his millions as we travel the world?  yeah, that's more like it. :)