Freedom comes from Confinement

So this weekend I was reading a book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It's a pretty feakin awesome book. It's basically to me a normal average everyday jo bringing religion into an everyday language. It's really interesting and I came across a portion that really jumped out at me and said alot to me. I'm paraphrasing but it basically said that single people have a hard time relating to the concept of unconditional love with God because we don't/haven't experienced it in life. He says it alot better than I do, but the book is in the other room and lets face it, I'm pretty lazy. ; ) I woke up from my reading slumber and was like "WOW" that just said so much to me, and helped me feel a little easier about some of the feelings I've been having lately and some of the struggles I've been dealing with. I have only ever really felt that relationship with my parents and siblings. And while there is definatley unconditional love, I've ...

Yes, so I went back to my part time job last night after a week off for vacation and was pleasently surprised at the good time I had. It's not the people I hate, it's the need for the job in the first place. For the most part the crew I work with is so much fun, I get annoyed with the other parts of management that seem to be driven by drama, but I get past that, I don't work with them normally. So last night I got to see all three of my favorite guys. Each one very different from the other, and yet they make me giddy the same. The one is tall, very slender and a total computer geek, but he's so dang cute and he's a big fan of mine, just not in the way I want, but he's fun and I enjoy working with him. Guy #2 is more of a working man type of guy, still young and immature and loaded with hormones. He has this thing with playing with my ass, it's all part of this constant gay bantar everyone seems to have, it's all fun and games and keeps time moving....

So yes, it's taken me over an hour to get myspace to cooperate enough tonight to get to the blog. I can not wait for my cable internet to get installed, this DSL crap is ridiculous!!! How sad that I started my internet experience on dial up in 1995. Wow, that was forever ago!! How far we've come. So last weekend I got away. I had the girls come in and I actually took Saturday off. I have been on vacation from WEndy's for a week and it's been fantastic!!!! So I took the que and went to see L in Western Michigan. I hadn't been up to her house in a couple of years and thought it was about time. Her younger sister aparently wanted me to come up for some yummy food and horrible horror movies, I was more than happy to oblige. ; ) So I made the three hour drive and L took me to her local watering hole that she hangs out in. I got to meet some of her friends and we had a drink and hung out in a very crowded bar (and I didn't freak out!) And then we headed home beca...

So what is it about the thoughts of failure that bring out the thoughts of death in me? Don't get all freaked out, I'd never kill myself, I learned how to deal with that years ago, but really, what is it? Does death really have that strong of appeal? I spend too much time being freaked out about death because I can't comprehend it and yet when I start to realize failure that's where my mind goes. It's so not right. Things have been rough lately and they are only getting worse it seems. The hardest part is I have no answers and no one I know is able to help me. I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle and there have been so many times over the years that have tested that theory, but when will it stop hurting so much. I lay in bed at night praying to God to take it from me. I don't feel I'm strong enough to just hand it over. It's not that I don't think he can handle it for me, it's my need to take personal responsibility. ...

It has recently come to my attention that this blog is not very uplifting, or even funny, and I dwelled on that for a few days until I realized, it's my blog. My life is not constantly uplifting, I have good and I have bad and I have more outlets for the good things so the things that are left are the bad and I have to have an avenue to get them out, and this is it. There are are many things I don't feel I can share with people and these are some of the things I put on here. Today I was thinking about motivation. When I took on the responsibility of this business I was highly motivated. I had high hopes and big dreams. But what happens when the dreams aren't as big as you once thought? How do you find motivation when it feels like all hope is lost? How do you dig yourself out of the every deepening hole of depression? I have been hitting more and more financial bumps in the road of my business. There is just no money left. Projects have to get done and there is no ...

You know, as I was doing my normal morning surfing of cartoon strips I came across this one. When I read this strip I stopped everything I was doing and couldn’t stop thinking about it. This strip is so true in life. From a distance I look like a good person. I put this image on of who I mostly am, but the closer you get the more faults and problems you can see. I’m not who everyone thinks I am, I’m not the good guy who would do anything for anyone. The closer you get to me the more you can see just how selfish I am. I often wonder how my friends put up with some of the things I’ve done. I try often to rationalize the things I do or the situations I find myself in, but the truth is, I put myself there. I have much to learn about loving others, about giving selflessly and about how to let others into my life to really know me. Much of human kind is like this. From a distance you can see someone so special, so full of life, so full of laughter, but do you see them a...

So lately I've been wondering how I ended back up in this podunk town. How did I really convince myself that was the best option? Was it friends? Was it family? I'm just not sure. I feel like I'm suffocating here and I'm not sure how to get through it. I've considered moving, and while I haven't forgotten that thought it's not something I can do right now. The market is horrible which means no jobs and no sale of my real estate. So I have to figure out what to do to make this place more bareable. I love my friends, the few that still remain, I really do, but I feel like I have no one to really talk to. And that's really not true either. What it comes down to is I have no time to have an intellectual conversation, the few times one sparks is when I'm at work and I get interupted a thousand times or can't say what I want to say because certain ears are around, so the conversation ends before it gets good. The time outside of work we seem to ...

So I have been finding myself lately with a little extra money. You're probably thinking to yourself the same thing I was thinking.....How can this be? I had a good December for all three of my jobs and I've been saving a few dollars here and there and I finally went out and got a few new pieces of clothes. Yes, finally, I haven't boughten any new clothes in nearly two years, most of my clothes has holes in it and it's just terrible, so I finally got a few dollars together to get some new stuff. We drive all the way to Monroe Michigan to the outlet store up there (the one for fat people like me) and find it is no longer in existance. DRATS! But we stopped at a few places in Toledo and I found some new things for myself, a few new shirts at least. Then I spent some christmas money and ordered my new pair of jeans to replace the most comfortable and incredible pair of jeans I've ever owned. It took me a while to find the right size, the right build and the right ...

Ah yes, a new perspective on my blog. As I have been rereading some of my posts I realize there were a few that were not true representations of who I am, maybe how my mind works from time to time, but not things I would normally say out loud, so I have once again gone through and edited them. Why do I feel the need to edit my previous posts? Well I have actually recieved a few comments which means someone else is actually reading some of these, and like I said, there were a few left that were off charecter for me, so I edited them down or deleted them completely. So lately things have been pretty dull. Since my trip down south things have been calm, not much exciting going on, just getting from one day to the next, it's really all I can ask for anymore. I have had some good times, but nothing really to do cartwheels about, although it would sure be fun to try! ; ) So the other day my friend X and I were getting into a discussion about my life and he told me he sort of thinks I...

So today after I cleaned out the office I finally switched out my monitor. I've been noticing for some time now that it has been getting darker and darker where I couldn't see pics clearly and so on and so forth. I'd been messing around with the settings to see if I had screwed something up, but couldn't find anything to change it like I needed it. So luckily for me, when I had been searching for a monitor for my other computer, I ended up with two monitors. I saved one and had it in another room collecting dust. I pulled it out and plugged it in and WOW! What a difference! I swear it's like going from the old console t.v. (without a remote!) and upgrading to an HDTV! The clarity and color is just amazing!!! It's like I'm viewing these things again for the first time!!! I just had to share. Everything else is kind of dull. Got some much needed paperwork and cleaning done today and had a good sales day while still having enough time to get done the rest...