Sunday, January 20, 2008

Another one down

It's been awhile since I've updated this blog, mostly because of time and a physical accident that happened that restricted my use of one of my typing fingers and put a damper on all updates to any of my blogs. But it's getting better and I'm back.

So this weekend I finally took some time off and went to see my friends B and D. They live a few hours from me and I was so excited to go down there. I had told B about being gay a few months ago. She's become a spiritual advisor to help me bridge the gap in my heart between who I am and the part that holds my faith and how I view myself in that faith.

B has been on be since then to tell D. I have known D. for many years and we have had a very "manly" relationship and he's met both of my ex's from my hetero relationships and I was kind of nervous how he would take the news. I knew deep down he would be o.k. with it, but there was a part of me that was so afraid to tell him. He had come into town a few weeks ago to visit me and I chickened out in telling him and B was a bit disappointed, but she understood and supported me.

So this weekend we were all together, B had given me some books to help with the religious aspect of my life, the one properly called "God is not a homophob" I was reading them the night before D came over to meet us and purposely left them out for him to see to provoke a conversation, but it didn't work. So we went out for our day of fun and there were about 3000 opportunities that came up in conversation but I shyed away from each opportunity and it began to drive me crazy. I wanted to tell him when we would have a chance to talk about it when it was time, but we wouldn't have that opportunity with where we were at.

So later that night we moved some books around while he was in the restroom and I know he saw the books and was curious but he wouldn't say anything, and then it happened. He looked over durring a quiet moment in conversation and read the title of the book. I looked at him and asked him: "Are you curious about the books at all?"
D: No this is B's house, I expect things like this.
Me: Well they aren't B's, they are mine
D: Oh really? Doing some research?
Me: yeah kind of, I've been having problems dealing with it.
quiet silence.....
Me: Are the pieces falling into place or should I spell it out for you?
awkward silence and a little staring....
Me: D, I'm gay.
D: Seriously? Are you shitting me?
Me: No D, I'm serious, I'm really gay.
Me: Are you o.k. with that?
D: You're putting me on, right?
Me: No, I'm dead serious, how do you feel about it?
D: Seriously?
Me: Yes
D: That's cool. Do I say congratulation? (Laughing)
Me: I'm not sure, I just want to make sure you're going to be o.k. with this.
D: I'm fine dude, I'm happy for you.

There was some more conversation about it, I told him to ask me any questions he wanted and I answered them, they were the obvious, when did you know type questions. It was a bit easier than I thought it would be. He was very internal at times, but he was trying to process the information, he's like that. Later when we ran to the store I went out to smoke and start the car and later B told me he was very concerned if he handled it alright because he really was o.k. with it and wanted to make sure he got that idea across to me. It made me feel really good.

So besides this story, since christmas I went to visit another friend of mine up north, but didn't tell her, I could barely get a word in edgewise the whole time we were together so there wasn't time to tell her. I'll tell her when I go see her again next month.

The other big decision I came to is to begin thinking about selling my business. I have never known if I would retire here or not, it's still about 30 years away but I decided I'm not sure I want to spend another 5 years here. I'm not meant to live in a small town, I'm meant for a bigger and more understanding city. I'm not sure where that will be yet, it will depend on the work situation when I'm ready to sell and when it sells.

I still have my educated trade to fall back on, and I really miss it, so I know I'll go back into the profession I spent so many years in school training for. I really do miss it. Like I said I'm not sure where I'm going, but I know now I need to go. I miss the stability of a regular paycheck, vacation time etc... What I'm missing the most so far is open minded people and a larger gay population, not that that is always a good thing, but I need to be around more, in a place where it's a little more tolerated than the closed minded town I'm in right now.

It's a hard decision because I'll be leaving my family once again, but this is not a place to live a life for me, I'll never feel right here and I'll never like I've acomplished anything in this place. There are parts I'll miss and parts I won't, but I have to do this for me.

Well that's enough for tonight, I'm going to wrap this up for now.

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