The weight of the world

So yes, I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders this week. While it had a crazy beginning it is having a calming end.

I have spoken to my internet date several times on the phone and while he was interesting in a way, I knew that it would never work out. I have led him on for a week now telling him what he wanted to hear just so I could get him into bed. I finally wised up and ended it before it began, I want a masculine man, I'm not a fem nor will I ever be, nor do I want to date a fem. I want a man because he's a man. If I wanted a drama filled relationship filled with fabulous and all the other stereotypes I'd be with women, but I don't want that.

The main reason I feel so good today is I finally said it out loud. I told my best friend that I was gay. It felt so good. His responce was simple, he already knew. Scarry part is that I knew he had me figured out for years, but never pressured me to say it, never hinted that he knew, but I know he knew. He's the greatest friend I could ever ask for. I know it's only one person, it's not like the world or everyone I knew, but for now, it's enough. I finally have someone I can talk to and not use phrases like this person, or they, or all the other ambiguous words I've used most of my life. I know many others realize it also, but are waiting for me to come to terms with it, and some day I will tell them too. Today was such a huge step and it feels so good. Somone knows and understands and is supportive.

I thank God today for the week I've needed. I've needed a week like this, I've needed to hear the words I've heard, and I needed to stand up for myself and convince myself I'm good enough that I don't need to settle for anything I don't want. And that I have friends that love me for who I am, not who they think I am or who I think I need to be.

I thank God for my life, and I thank God for surrounding me with the people that are here.
Thank you God.
Thank you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

True confessions

Sometimes I get into a mood to share with my friends things that clog up my mind from time to time, things I just want to get off of my chest, and since only a select few of you actually read this blog I'm o.k. with releasing this information. lol. 1. Sometimes I hate things just because they are popular. I fight so many things when they are popular, I'm not sure why, maybe it's a rebellion thing, or tying to go against the grain to be the mysterious cool guy. Whatever the reason, I find it irritating. lol. When "Friends" first aired and everyone flocked to it, I refused to watch it, I told everyone how stupid it was and I had better things to do with my time. I actually stuck to it because I really did have other things to do. But one fateful night my second year in college when I started living with Dan, he made me watch the show and I fell in love. I now can recite just about every line and recall every episode. I nearly missed one of the greatest shows on ...
Read more

Another Religious Post

Well some how it happened again, I don't know how it happens, it just does. I went to church this morning, I have felt the need to go for sometime now but have been avoiding it in fear of feeling angry again, and yet it snuck up on me again. I went today as my cousin's baby was being baptized and I was so torn with emotion I still don't know how to deal with it. My family is so close, we're a tight kint group that would throw parties just so we could all get together. Suddenly this baptism was a great opportunity for a party, and yet most of the family wasn't even invited. None of the cousins, our parents were invited, but none of us. There has been no explanation as to why, which would get rid of much of this anger. I feel hurt, and I know I shouldn't, but at the same time I do. After church everyone was rushing the front to see the baby and visit with the family and I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. It was not all due to the family issue,...
Read more

Rumors from the underbelly of a small town.

So I heard tonight that I fell madly in love with a gay stripper in Cincinnati and that's why I sold the store and I'm moving down there so we can be together. :blink: um......yeah, that was my first reaction as well.  Perhaps this would be a good time for a sidebar.....huh? So S is involved and chats frequently in the "under the radar" gay society of this little town.  The people who don't use names or send pictures because too many people know them and they hold positions in town and would be destroyed if they were to be found out.  Together we have pieced together the identity of several of their members, but he told me the latest started asking about me because I have been seen spending time with S in the past and he recently heard this rumor and wanted to know which way I swing to see if the rumor was true.  I died laughing.  I guess I have developed quite a reputation in this society by who I'm spending time with.  My friendships with Ron and Norm, my...
Read more