Thursday, October 25, 2007

The weight of the world

So yes, I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders this week. While it had a crazy beginning it is having a calming end.

I have spoken to my internet date several times on the phone and while he was interesting in a way, I knew that it would never work out. I have led him on for a week now telling him what he wanted to hear just so I could get him into bed. I finally wised up and ended it before it began, I want a masculine man, I'm not a fem nor will I ever be, nor do I want to date a fem. I want a man because he's a man. If I wanted a drama filled relationship filled with fabulous and all the other stereotypes I'd be with women, but I don't want that.

The main reason I feel so good today is I finally said it out loud. I told my best friend that I was gay. It felt so good. His responce was simple, he already knew. Scarry part is that I knew he had me figured out for years, but never pressured me to say it, never hinted that he knew, but I know he knew. He's the greatest friend I could ever ask for. I know it's only one person, it's not like the world or everyone I knew, but for now, it's enough. I finally have someone I can talk to and not use phrases like this person, or they, or all the other ambiguous words I've used most of my life. I know many others realize it also, but are waiting for me to come to terms with it, and some day I will tell them too. Today was such a huge step and it feels so good. Somone knows and understands and is supportive.

I thank God today for the week I've needed. I've needed a week like this, I've needed to hear the words I've heard, and I needed to stand up for myself and convince myself I'm good enough that I don't need to settle for anything I don't want. And that I have friends that love me for who I am, not who they think I am or who I think I need to be.

I thank God for my life, and I thank God for surrounding me with the people that are here.
Thank you God.
Thank you.

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