Freedom comes from Confinement

After many times of trying to find the time and place to come out to L, I finally did it this weekend. We were up chatting for quite awhile. She came to my room because she had went away with a very cute guest and did what the single drunken bridesmaid is known for, she messed around with him. It's just not her style, and I should have tried more to convince her of that before she left with him, but he was just too cute and she seemed to know what she wanted. So later she comes to my room because she regretted it, and because he was an asshole. He told her he was going to get some ice and didn't come back. I probably could have seen that coming if he didn't have an ass that wouldn't quit, but lust is blind at times. LOL. So I'm consoling her and she starts with the "I'm an idiot" conversations that happen in situations like this, and I'm not sure what compelled me, or made me think it was appropriate timing, but it was just the two of us finall...

Weekend meaning Saturday and Sunday. I don't include Friday's on my weekend unless I actually get to do something. ;) But any way, onto the weekend... So the plan was to work Saturday morning until about 2pm when I had a friend coming in to watch the store so I could head up to Michigan to Shelly's wedding. It was going to be a tight schedule, but I figured I could do it as long as I was ready before I left, checked in real quick at the hotel and jumped the shuttle to the service, I figured it would be o.k. Well I'm getting ready at 5 till 9am to open the store and the front door chime goes off, I just figured it was my brother and finished getting ready. I went to go out into the store and the lights were on and Jen was standing at the counter. I nearly freaked out, she looked at me and asked if she had the right day...I told her I was surprised she was here early. She decided that since her kid was gone for the day and her husband was busy for the day that she wo...

Yeah, so I just want to know who on earth came up with that phrase, I mean really, duh, of course it's the darkest! It's like saying you always find what you're looking for in the last place you look, do you really want to look more after you found it? Anyway.... The title is the truth, the cloud is still here, but I'm fighting better. The thing I hate most about this part of shooing the cloud is the things that are revealed in the aftermath of it's destruction. It forces me to take a good look at myself and find the things that I need to work on. While Bethany pointed out many of the good qualities that people see in me during our tough love chat this afternoon, I have hard time seeing them all. It's just human nature. But as I sit here I realize I could see those things in the person I was, the person that I've gaged and stuffed into the trunk of my mind, and I don't know why, or how to get out. I have the reputation of a grumpy grocer, it's...

I get it, you're more powerful than me, you win. F**, off cloud, F**k off. Temper is flaring, tears are forming. You win again. I hate you.

I will not let the cloud win today. I'm watching it heading this way, I can feel it's over powering presence, but I won't let it win. I can't let it win. I will stay in control. Screw you cloud, things are rough right now, but they are that way a lot, for once, just once I want to beat you, I want to survive this day, I'm not going to let you have today, not this time. I will win. I'm tired of losing to you, I'm tired of bitching, and I'm tired of whining. Today you will not win. Today is going to be my victory over you. Broke or not, I'll kick your ass. I have to.

I don't understand how people can go through life thinking everything is either black or white, that people can be so arrogant to believe that they know the difference and they are so knowledgeable that there is no gray area in life. I mean seriously, I'm not so confident and arrogant that I can make judgement calls on how people live, or what they think, I'm not them, and not experiencing what they are. I'm so frustrated with this whole thing I could scream. It would be one thing to state that it is your belief that this is the way it is, how in the hell can you state "This is certainly so because the way I read this book that was written over 2000 years ago states something like this.." I'm so angry. I understand that the bible is the word of God, but there are so many problems I have with that statement. A man put these books of the bible together and said it was so. Are you telling me there is no doubt in anyone else's mind that some of these wri...

Yes, the dark cloud that comes around once in awhile reared it's ugly fluffy face recently. It only lasted a couple of days really, but I feel it's presense like it's just around the corner waiting for me, just waiting to pounce. I can't really explain what was wrong, or if there really was anything wrong, it's just once in awhile I get so down and depressed. My mind starts thinking to the past and thinking into the future, but it's never good, it's always the bad things that did happen and the bad things that could happen. The people I've lost and the people I think I'll lose later on. It's like every bad part of me becomes so apparent, so visible, that I can't hide it, I can't shade it with the good parts of me. It's rather overwhelming at first. I think some of it has to do with the shows I catch from time to time, or a sad movie that invites that cloud. What's funny is sometimes it's just as easy to scare it off with...