Tuesday, March 30, 2010

April 13 the future can be released.

Get your minds out of the gutter!!! Oh wait, was that just me? um...never mind.

I received some very subtle hints on facebook from a reader and it took me awhile to figure out what he was talking about....that comes from having too many secrets not released on facebook. LOL!! So I'm assuming he's talking about the business deal. If there are other things I need to update everyone on, feel free to comment.

O.k. so the business deal is on hold until April 13. He came up against a zoning issue that requires passage by the city zoning board. We have met with a representative of the zoning board and he said there shouldn't be a problem. It's an issue with lot coverage. On this lot I am only allowed to have total building space covering the lot of 60%. The current building is covering 58% of the lot, but the smoke house he wants to build will take it to 63% lot coverage so we have to get a variance for it. The zoning guy said he's never seen one turned down. The other part of the meeting is to give the neighbors a chance to voice their concerns about the smoke house. Every property owner within 200 yards has to be notified. I have spoken to all the property owners on the list and everyone is very excited so this is basically just a way for the city to collect an additional $300 dollars in application fees and make themselves feel important.

In the mean time the bank put a hold on the appraisal until this matter is figured out because some of the money they are loaning him is for this building. So once we get approval from the city the bank will then order the appraisal finally and then we can get the ball rolling once again. The time line is a bit obscure because of the mystery that is the bank, lawyer and appraisal paperwork time line. I'm hoping to have everything ready to sign and be done by the end of May. But I know from experience that things don't always work out.

We've discussed somethings for the contract already, but I have a feeling he'll want to negotiate more after the appraisal, which I'm ready for. There are things I'm ready to negotiate on and things I'm not. I know I'm going to pay for part of the roof to be redone and I'm prepared for a couple other repairs, but beyond that it's going to depend on what the appraiser has to say.

So all in all we're sitting and waiting for the city to let us go. We're both tired of the process and ready to move forward. He's got a lot invested and so do I. Just sitting and waiting sucks.

So that's the business update. I don't really want to post anything in my more public forums until the contract is drawn up and settled. The entire town is talking about it, but I won't confirm or deny any of it until it's set in stone.

I hope that's the update you're looking for J!!! I'm not sure what else I can update on. lol.

oh except that I'm planning a very eventful birthday outing. I just can't invite everyone, it might be obvious when my wish for going out involves male dancers. lol. It should be entertaining to say the least. lol. Anyone want to come with us?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Welcome to the inside of my younger mind

It's true, you're about to enter into the head of my high school mind. I used to think of myself as quite the poet, I only knew how to write one form of poetry, and I used it a lot....seriously....a lot.

So I thought I would treat you all to a couple of poems I stumbled upon while packing some things today...

Promises

Promises, promises
there are so many kinds
Some are made by idiots,
others by great minds.

There is the real promise
the one that is never broken,
just like the one in marriage,
where your heart is the token.

There is the broken promise,
this one is the worst,
when you really believe in this one,
you feel like your heart will burst.

There is the promise of friends,
it's the most difficult to know,
because you need to know the difference,
between a friend and a foe.

The difference isn't always clear,
and you may find out,
that those closest friends of yours,
look at your friendship with doubt.

There is the promise of enemies,
the most sever of all,
it could be a bomb in your front yard,
or maybe just a prank call.

There are so many promises,
I just can't list them all,
so next time you think it's necessary,
don't promise, it could cause a great fall.

Promises are meant to be broken,
or so they all say,
so maybe it doesn't matter,
that they are broken everyday.

I say it does matter,
I'm tired of being hurt,
and the rest of the promised world,
is tired of being treated like dirt.

So the next time you make a promise,
you better keep your word,
or the promised people will be after you,
like an angry wild herd.

Wow, how corny huh? The silly thing is I can remember writing it after some high school drama unfolded about a secret I shared with a "friend" of mine that was then shared with others and chaos followed. Oh high school.

How about one more from the depths of high school drama:

Fighting:

What should I do now,
they're winning against me,
I'm not a great fighter,
can't you see?

I've done all that I can do,
just to become...cool,
I guess it's just not enough,
at least not in this school.

They're putting me down again,
and I just want to run,
but they won't let me go,
because they said they weren't done.

There's no place left to hide,
should I just let them win?
All I want to do is quit,
is that such a sin?

I'm just waiting around,
waiting for a dream,
but they're crushing it,
I just want to scream.

What about me?
I want to live,
maybe I'm just selfish,
but I have nothing left to give.

I'm not aloud to live my life,
the way I'd like to live it,
because I'm just too afraid,
of being the next one to be hit.

Life just isn't fair,
if you don't have the name,
you can't play the game,
but they sure will let you take the blame.

I've been pushed around,
and even knocked to the ground,
but I'm still hoping,
to get a catch on the rebound.

Should I stay,
or should I go?
If I let them win,
I'll feel even more low.

I want my share of life,
no matter what it takes,
and I'll make it through my life,
no matter what obstacles it takes.


There are parts of this that came from another realm at the time. Things I was battling with that I never really understood until a few years ago. This one still resonates with me, no matter how poorly written because I remember sitting in study hall on the verge of tears. I remember the day, the name he called me. I have long ago forgiven him, I've forgiven high school for what it was and I've moved on, and I am actually really glad I didn't fully understand what was going on in my head or it would have been a disaster. I knew what it was, but I wasn't even close to saying it or accepting it, or thinking I could ever let it be.

I have many more of these in boxes with other things. I come across piles of them from time to time, some typed, some just scratched out on a random page of notes. Some I remember writing, others I'm not sure when I wrote them. lol.

I guess my writing has always had a dark undertone. Who knew? Oh yeah, most of you. lol.

The other night I was visiting the parental units and my sister and we're sitting around watching t.v. and talking and I can't remember what brought me to say this, but I made the comment that I was just going to move into the woods, build a cabin and live off the land. I thought it was funny until my sister made the comment...."like Walden? He was gay, how about that too?" I froze and stared at her. It felt as if the moment lasted an hour, but I'm sure in reality it was a mere second before my father changed the subject in his usual manner.

It was a very awkward moment and I'm not sure if anyone noticed the awkwardness in my facial expression. Probably not, but it was an eye opening experience as to how awkward that conversation could be. It will certainly be an interesting day when that happens, that's for sure. lol.

So anyway, there's drama at work, just like every other day there in the 16 years I've been in and out of that place. They keep trying to drag me into it, but I've been refusing. I just ask them all...."why can't we just come to work and work? Do we really need to be putting one another down? Do we really think we're all that much better than everyone else? I find it hard to believe because each and every one of us has a bad attitude, we lack skills in our jobs, and we have bad days....why can't we all just get over it and make it pleasant for the hours we're together." I just don't get it. The one guy wouldn't let it go and kept coming to me and tattling on everyone about what they are doing wrong. I finally stopped and asked him if he thought everything he did was perfect? I told him to be careful about what doors he opens because for someone that has been with the company for 9 years and can't do a single task correctly without supervision he's throwing some mighty big stones in his glass house.

Of course he didn't quite understand the whole glass house metaphor.......I really need out of that place. I miss having intellectual conversations, well as intellectual as I can get. lol.

Well, I think that's all for today. I was very productive and I'm feeling good about the last 32 3/4 years. While I had some rough times.....who hasn't? It's the bad times that mold a person, for better or worse, I am who I am because of all it. Looking back at pictures and papers and going through all this stuff has really helped me see what a good life I've lead so far. I know the future has some tough times ahead, but I'm ready for them, I'm just so damn lucky.

...............B, that's something to ballroom dance to! :)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last night

I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I toss and turned for hours before I finally passed out from exhaustion. I just couldn't get my head wrapped around my life and the future I have before me. I spent several hours last evening listening to my parents talk about the business selling and my future and such and I couldn't get my head around it.

Then last night as I laid down to go to sleep it kind of hit me for a few moments and what happened was a flood of insecurities. I couldn't stop asking myself, what's next? What's the plan? You're about to sell your business, move to a new city with no job and no plan. I mean seriously, what the hell? Am I really that crazy? When I did that last time I was at least going to school, but this time there is no school, no job prospects....am I seriously brave enough to take this leap?

I keep telling myself over and over that I am brave enough to do this, that this is what I need is a leap of faith, a leap of faith in myself. I hate meeting new people, especially when it comes to new jobs, new responsibilities, new coworkers, building new relationships, etc... I feel as if I'm completely out of my league. Under this facade of cool and calm that's looking forward to starting over in a new city with new opportunities is a guy that's completely freaking out.

I wonder if this is why I can't see this deal really happening in front of my own eyes. Am I choosing to not accept it yet because it will bring on a really big freak out? I can only imagine what a mess I could potentially be.

I know that deep down inside I'm qualified for a lot of different jobs, I'm a good person that makes such wonderful friends and already has such wonderful friends there to build on to....but it's just so not me to really do it.

It's going to be an interesting journey and a lot of pushing myself in ways I haven't had to do in quite some time. I hope I remember how to.

I actually considered finding a new job around here and sticking around for awhile, I know I'm going to miss things, I'm going to miss people, I'm going to miss family, but I also know that I just can't be totally happy here. I'll never find a good job, I'll never allow myself to be who I really am, and I'll never really reach my potential here.

I'm just so filled with so many emotions, if I had the time I could probably write four more blogs on the things that have happened and the thoughts that have crossed my mind over the last couple of days, but I'm tired and I need to get to bed.

Hopefully I'll remember it all, but I doubt it. lol.
Have a great night.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bathroom conversations

I'm not sure if it's just me, or if these conversations go on every week, even when I'm not there. It just seems like everytime I go to the club I end up having interesting conversations in the bathroom.

The last time I walked into the bathroom there were 4 guys standing around the sink comparing their...umm......piercings. It led to a conversation I never thought I would have.

Last night when I went into the restroom, I was called a horrible name and accused of awful things.....while I was in there they called me/accused me of being........oh it's just too horrible......I'm not sure I can repeat it.......a.........a.................a breeder.

There are 3 urinals on the left wall and one on the wall across from the door. There was a cute guy standing at the first one, and a hot guy standing at the third one. I don't know why, but I always use the one right across from the door, so I went over to that one.

The one closest to the door made the comment "Oh, another breeder, I swear they might as well not even call this gay night" I didn't realize what was happening at first, but when it suddenly dawned on me, I just kind of laughed and was all "excuse me, are you talking about me?" which is snidely said yes. I began laughing even more which seemed to irritate him.

I continued my thoughts...."So any guy that comes into this bathroom and doesn't play I'll show you mine if you show me yours at the urinal next to you, must be straight?"

He just stared at me.

"Trust me bitch, I ain't nothin but queen. Some of us just like a little mystery in life"

Why can't I be that guy sober? I like that guy, he's a lot of fun.

I did have a great night, I just wish I had stopped two drinks earlier. That's the part I get so down on myself about, not being able to just stop, I just get caught up in the moment and keep going and then I pay dearly for it the next day. I would have had just as much fun had I stopped.

It's all a learning process I guess, I just have to accept that it happened, try to learn from it and move on.

Well that's all I have for now. Time to try and sleep off the day.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The post I had planned on writing tonight was just to bad and depressing and humiliating to actually put to words.

I really thank God on nights like tonight that his love is beyond human understanding because at this moment I can only really feel his love. I feel like a true disappointment to everyone else, but I know God's love surpasses all human love.

Thank goodness because otherwise I would feel like a complete ass.

I miss you all that read this, more than any of you can possibly understand.

In the morning I may not remember any of this, which makes me glad that I really know that you all love me, no matter what stupid mistakes I may make in my present.

I love you all. I'm glad I didn't have to drive home. I've failed myself and the promises I've made to myself. But tomorrow, or today is another day. I'm glad my God is a patient God.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

wth?

What is it about me that thinks people are always being vague about something, trying to get to a point without being the bad guy getting to the point?

I'm constantly thinking people are being passive agressive towards me, or towards subjects. Like they are afraid of causing an explosion but at the same time inching that way without the guilt.

Why can't I just see things for what they are? Why does everything have to have a hidden meaning? Why can't I let go of this anger I hold in my system for reasons that make no logical sense? What is this anger that is being held within?

It's completely illogical, and yet I follow it on a whim. It holds me back from people and I'm constantly looking for the angle someone is using.

I want to shake them and tell them to just get to the point!

When in reality, they had no point to begin with.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I love Spring!

I know, it's all a trick to get me in the mood for spring, and then by next week we'll be buried under a foot of snow. lol. Good thing I'm not cynical about the whole thing. lol.

I took the day for what it's worth, it was a break from the doom and gloom of winter. It was a beautiful day, and even though I spent the day at work I made it a good one. I stayed in a good mood and laughed and was silly all day long and it was contagious. It was a good day of everyone laughing and having a good time. There was one moment where some bitchy woman came through the drive thru and threatened my good day, but after 5 minutes of dwelling on her negativity I decided it was enough for the day and went back to laughing.

So anyway, my week of vacation was absolutely fantastic!! It had been 5 years since I had taken more than a couple of days off and it felt weird and strange at first, but B kept me busy. The first day I was kind of lost, it kept feeling as if I should have been doing something, or getting ready to go somewhere, but by the next day I settled into home repair mode and the rest of the week felt good. It was exhausting don't get me wrong, but it felt good. I have spent most of my life watching my brother and my father do everything, learning along the way but never putting any faith in myself to do it myself because they were always there and I was afraid I'd do it wrong.

It was nice to break away from that and put my hands to work and just finally do it myself. I know I have a lot to learn, but it felt good to get my own hands dirty for once. It was also a good chance to figure out how it would feel to be away from this town again for more than a day or two and I realized it's going to be awesome. It just seems like it was such a tease because I had to come back here and listen to the zoning guy go on and on about all the regulations and hurdles and telling us to take our time doing this and do it right. We both laughed, it's taken long enough, we're on three months already and we're both ready to get this done. Every day the weather is nicer is one more day he could have done great business. He's eager to get going, and I'm eager to get out of here! lol.

So my last post came from Saturday. I spent the evening at a birthday party across the street. It has been a long time since I've been drinking across the street and it scared me how quickly all the old feelings came soaring back to me. It's strange how a year and a half later everything slips quickly back to the way things were back then. Listening to the same problems, having the same lustful thoughts, it was all just too much to realize all at once. It reminded me why things are different now, why everyone had to take a step back and make a change because it was much needed. They are still not healed over there and listening to her talk about it I'm sure helps her because she doesn't get to talk to too many people, but is it really good when all I can think about while she's talking, is me making out with her husband can't be real helpful.

O.K. so a bit off topic, but I must say....please don't lose any respect for me......but Hot Tub Time Machine looks hilarious.

So anyway my first day back to work made me feel good. Not because I was there but because my boss told me that she told the other managers that anyone who called me would be written up. She said she wanted to see what it would be like when I leave. She just put her head in her hands and said the place fell apart. Paperwork was a mess. No one has any idea how to run the computer systems we have and she said she never really realized how much they lean on me until I was gone. While I spent the better part of 4 hours that night redoing most of everything they did, I felt appreciated. They now have a list of things I have to train them all on in the next few months. Falling apart may be a bit of an exaggeration, but it's my blog and I can think what I want. lol.

Oh if only I could have turned my good mood today into productive cleaning time. lol. I really should get at least one room clean. I'm going out tomorrow night!! I haven't been out in awhile, it should be a good time!! It's a different group that's going this time so I'm not sure how it will go exactly, but I'm going to make it a good time regardless!! Where there is music and drag queens, a good time is sure to be had. lol.

Well I'm going to try and be a little productive yet tonight, perhaps finish picking up the living room and maybe starting a load of laundry. We'll see how far this goes. lol.

'gnight everyone!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

???

Sometimes I irritate myself so much from not learning from the past I can barely look at myself in the mirror.


I have so many contradicting thoughts in my head from all over the board, and I have to get up for work in 6 hours. This is why I stopped my drinking patterns over a year ago.

I miss so many people.

I promise all my posts won't be this abstract and so depressing. lol. Really, I'm not depressed, just over judging myself.....or something like that. lol.

'gnight.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

working on it.

It's funny. I've only been home for 36 hours and I'm already tired of this. I'm ready to go back to Cinci.

My car obviously didn't want to be back either since it broke down today. It's going to be fixed and it's going to be fine, but it was a sign that even my car hates it here. lol.

I do feel bad because to some people it sounds like I don't want to be around them, but those are just a few, and those few I'd like to take with me.

I'm already exhausted and tired and I don't want to get anything done I need to get done. I'm headed back to hell tomorrow, they have even tried calling me three times today, but since I'm still on vacation I let the machine get it because I refuse to spend time talking to any of them until my vacation is officially over.

In Cinci I had lots of ideas for blogs, but I get back here and they all feel as scattered as this short post is going to be. I need to give them some thought and remember what it was I was thinking at the point I thought of these ideas.

I miss Cinci. did I mention that already?

Sorry, I'm a bit down currently with the the idea of being nit picked tomorrow for the decisions and things I've done to this business. The longer this process takes, the more he has time to nit pick everything to death. I almost wish someone else would swoop in and offer me the same the money to get out sooner because I'd take it and run.

I just need some sleep, too much going on in my head tonight, from the business, to people, to my hot mechanic, the hot carpenter I'm going to be working with for a friend's remodeling project.....so on and so forth. ;)

Anyway, I'm going to end this rambling and go to bed. It won't look so bad in the morning, it never does.

Just a little bit longer and I'll get there. I can see the light, I can see the end of the tunnel, I'm so close!

Good night.