Freedom comes from Confinement

Get your minds out of the gutter!!! Oh wait, was that just me? um...never mind. I received some very subtle hints on facebook from a reader and it took me awhile to figure out what he was talking about....that comes from having too many secrets not released on facebook. LOL!! So I'm assuming he's talking about the business deal. If there are other things I need to update everyone on, feel free to comment. O.k. so the business deal is on hold until April 13. He came up against a zoning issue that requires passage by the city zoning board. We have met with a representative of the zoning board and he said there shouldn't be a problem. It's an issue with lot coverage. On this lot I am only allowed to have total building space covering the lot of 60%. The current building is covering 58% of the lot, but the smoke house he wants to build will take it to 63% lot coverage so we have to get a variance for it. The zoning guy said he's never seen one turned down. The ot...

It's true, you're about to enter into the head of my high school mind. I used to think of myself as quite the poet, I only knew how to write one form of poetry, and I used it a lot....seriously....a lot. So I thought I would treat you all to a couple of poems I stumbled upon while packing some things today... Promises Promises, promises there are so many kinds Some are made by idiots, others by great minds. There is the real promise the one that is never broken, just like the one in marriage, where your heart is the token. There is the broken promise, this one is the worst, when you really believe in this one, you feel like your heart will burst. There is the promise of friends, it's the most difficult to know, because you need to know the difference, between a friend and a foe. The difference isn't always clear, and you may find out, that those closest friends of yours, look at your friendship with doubt. There is the promise of enemies, the most sever of all, it coul...

I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I toss and turned for hours before I finally passed out from exhaustion. I just couldn't get my head wrapped around my life and the future I have before me. I spent several hours last evening listening to my parents talk about the business selling and my future and such and I couldn't get my head around it. Then last night as I laid down to go to sleep it kind of hit me for a few moments and what happened was a flood of insecurities. I couldn't stop asking myself, what's next? What's the plan? You're about to sell your business, move to a new city with no job and no plan. I mean seriously, what the hell? Am I really that crazy? When I did that last time I was at least going to school, but this time there is no school, no job prospects....am I seriously brave enough to take this leap? I keep telling myself over and over that I am brave enough to do this, that this is what I need is a leap of faith, a leap of fa...

I'm not sure if it's just me, or if these conversations go on every week, even when I'm not there. It just seems like everytime I go to the club I end up having interesting conversations in the bathroom. The last time I walked into the bathroom there were 4 guys standing around the sink comparing their...umm......piercings. It led to a conversation I never thought I would have. Last night when I went into the restroom, I was called a horrible name and accused of awful things.....while I was in there they called me/accused me of being........oh it's just too horrible......I'm not sure I can repeat it.......a.........a.................a breeder. There are 3 urinals on the left wall and one on the wall across from the door. There was a cute guy standing at the first one, and a hot guy standing at the third one. I don't know why, but I always use the one right across from the door, so I went over to that one. The one closest to the door made the comment "Oh...

The post I had planned on writing tonight was just to bad and depressing and humiliating to actually put to words. I really thank God on nights like tonight that his love is beyond human understanding because at this moment I can only really feel his love. I feel like a true disappointment to everyone else, but I know God's love surpasses all human love. Thank goodness because otherwise I would feel like a complete ass. I miss you all that read this, more than any of you can possibly understand. In the morning I may not remember any of this, which makes me glad that I really know that you all love me, no matter what stupid mistakes I may make in my present. I love you all. I'm glad I didn't have to drive home. I've failed myself and the promises I've made to myself. But tomorrow, or today is another day. I'm glad my God is a patient God.

What is it about me that thinks people are always being vague about something, trying to get to a point without being the bad guy getting to the point? I'm constantly thinking people are being passive agressive towards me, or towards subjects. Like they are afraid of causing an explosion but at the same time inching that way without the guilt. Why can't I just see things for what they are? Why does everything have to have a hidden meaning? Why can't I let go of this anger I hold in my system for reasons that make no logical sense? What is this anger that is being held within? It's completely illogical, and yet I follow it on a whim. It holds me back from people and I'm constantly looking for the angle someone is using. I want to shake them and tell them to just get to the point! When in reality, they had no point to begin with.

I know, it's all a trick to get me in the mood for spring, and then by next week we'll be buried under a foot of snow. lol . Good thing I'm not cynical about the whole thing. lol . I took the day for what it's worth, it was a break from the doom and gloom of winter. It was a beautiful day, and even though I spent the day at work I made it a good one. I stayed in a good mood and laughed and was silly all day long and it was contagious. It was a good day of everyone laughing and having a good time. There was one moment where some bitchy woman came through the drive thru and threatened my good day, but after 5 minutes of dwelling on her negativity I decided it was enough for the day and went back to laughing. So anyway, my week of vacation was absolutely fantastic!! It had been 5 years since I had taken more than a couple of days off and it felt weird and strange at first, but B kept me busy. The first day I was kind of lost, it kept feeling as if I should have been...

Sometimes I irritate myself so much from not learning from the past I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I have so many contradicting thoughts in my head from all over the board, and I have to get up for work in 6 hours. This is why I stopped my drinking patterns over a year ago. I miss so many people. I promise all my posts won't be this abstract and so depressing. lol. Really, I'm not depressed, just over judging myself.....or something like that. lol. 'gnight.

It's funny. I've only been home for 36 hours and I'm already tired of this. I'm ready to go back to Cinci. My car obviously didn't want to be back either since it broke down today. It's going to be fixed and it's going to be fine, but it was a sign that even my car hates it here. lol. I do feel bad because to some people it sounds like I don't want to be around them, but those are just a few, and those few I'd like to take with me. I'm already exhausted and tired and I don't want to get anything done I need to get done. I'm headed back to hell tomorrow, they have even tried calling me three times today, but since I'm still on vacation I let the machine get it because I refuse to spend time talking to any of them until my vacation is officially over. In Cinci I had lots of ideas for blogs, but I get back here and they all feel as scattered as this short post is going to be. I need to give them some thought and remember what it was I...