Friday, May 1, 2009

It's a mix.

I've been catching up on some episodes of t.v. I've missed over the last couple of weeks and feel better, I also managed to clean my bathroom (finally), I painted the store bathroom today, and also cleaned my office. I was actually productive today, so productive that I was exhausted at the end of the day and fell asleep on the couch and threw the rest of my schedule off for the night, so now I'm here at 1am typing this blog. lol.

I'm sitting here getting angry at myself for letting myself get this huge, letting myself hold myself back from doing the things I enjoy because of my weight. Using stupid excuses to keep myself from putting forth an effort to change this part of me that I've been so unhappy with for so many years. I'm tired of constantly thinking people are laughing at me. I'm tired of hearing laughter when I enter a room and just automatically thinking it's me. I'm tired of being intimidated by people I think are good looking and just making myself believe the only reason they would talk to me would be because they want something from me. I'm growing so tired of these things that are in my head, separating myself from life because I don't think I look good enough or am thin enough to take part in it. The really sad thing is when I wake up in the morning I'll go back to what I've been doing because I'm always too exhausted to do something different.

Just so this post is not all whining and bitching.....I know, I'm going to stray from the usual whiny post, but here it goes.

My brother who recently got separated from his wife, by a mutual decision, just got his very first house of his own. The first house that he ever bought was a mistake and it was with his soon to be ex-wife. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but they were not financially stable enough to take on such a burden, and it was truely a burden. It nearly destroyed their marriage when it was good, but my brother got through it. He finally found a good way to do this on his own and after sitting down with him the other night and going over his finances he understand just how financially stable he is to take this on, on his own this time.

I'm very proud of my older brother, my siblings and I have been interacting in such a different way lately, in a way where we are taking care of each other. We are building each other up, and being our own support system. We've never done this before, well at least all at the same time, and it's been wonderful. My brother said how sad it was that his younger brother and sister had to show him how to set up a budget and show him how to pay bills, do laundry, and all the things that come with living the single life. I told him it wasn't sad, it was just about time. 36 years and he's never lived on his own, never gotten to make his own decisions and never knowing how freeing it can be to live on your own. He's going to do great.

It may not be much yet, and is a little rough around the edges, but by the time we're done with it, it's going to be beautiful, a house of dreams.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. I know how you feel (in the first part) I've been there and in some ways am there still (physically at least). I don't know what else to say, so I'm just going to hang out here beside you and love you mmmkay?