There have been a few comments left and a few comments made to me in person about the evolution of my relationship with S, trusting issues and such and I thought it was time I started answering or at least get into it myself once too. S and I are not romantically involved just to clear the air, I once wished it and sometimes I think I would want it, but it's not going to happen. It's taken S and I a good 15 years to build this relationship and I wouldn't do much of anything to ruin it. This brings out some jealousy sometimes in some of my friends because not everyone likes S.
There are many things people don't understand about S and things people don't understand about me in regards to how I can stick up for him and befriend him the way I have. That was not always the case, but I was a different person then.
The issues of trust that came up late last year had nothing to do with me being gay, they had everything to do with a picture I had in my possession that was shared and created a very awkward situation, but it was all for the best, this I'm sure of. But it did bring feelings of distrust with S and a few weeks ago we had a party and at the end of the night we discussed my trust issues with him.
A few years ago we created a "circle of trust" with a couple of other friends, where things said to one another never left the circle, a place where we didn't feel the need to be judged, a safe place to share things with other people. The 4 of us haven't spent a lot of time together in the recent year so when we finally got together we started to share. We took turns trying to guess secrets and my secret I wasn't going to share, I wasn't ready to for other reasons, I though S would know that and keep it quiet. Well in our guessing, he shared my secret with the group. One of them was too drunk and has no idea to this day what happened that night, but it exploded from there. I was very angry, but knew I shouldn't be because of the things everyone else has shared, he shared the information with the group because like he said "that's why the group is there", and he's right, it's just taken me a week or so to remember that.
To S sleeping with guys is just sex, he does it quite a bit and sees nothing wrong with it as long as it's just sex. I told him to him it's just sex because he's been burned in the past. He has had two loving relationships that ended badly with men, and never had any experience with women. Me on the other hand has had one loving relationship and one struggling relationship with women but knew it wasn't right. He's lived what felt right but was afraid of society, I followed society and knew it wasn't right. Two opposite opinions trying to see the other side. The problem is we can't see the other sides as well as the other so we argue about it.
He says I'm just looking for sex, and while that may be partially true, I'm looking more for the loving relationship and he doesn't see it that way. He says repeatedly that two men should not be together, we're not made for lasting relationships and I tell him all the time he's wrong, but I haven't been burnt the way he has. His upbringing is a constant battle as well and I'm not sure he'll ever let go of it and it will continue to cause him pain. My continuing friendship with his first is a constant memory of the pain and I'm sorry about it, but he's still a good friend.
Basically the situation is pretty messy, I still trust him and the more we talk about it, the easier it is to talk about without drinking. We trust each other, it may not always seem like it but we do. I love that he's letting me deeper into his other life and I'm glad I can finally share with him things from my "other" life as well. It's a long journey, but friendships always are.
This probably makes no sense and that's probably because my mind is heading into vacation mode, so I'm sorry in advance. S and I's relationship is hard to put into words because we never do.