Freedom comes from Confinement

Hotels are magical, I love hotels. Hotels are a place away from life, away from the stress, away from your everyday life. Hotels allow you to take a break from your life. A place you don't have to clean, a place you don't have to tidy up, a place you can just relax. It's a place away from life. I fall asleep so much easier when I'm not in my familiar surroundings. I listen to the sounds of the air conditioner or heater, it's the only sounds I hear. The light coming from under the door from the hallway giving me a sense a security. T.V. that I don't normally watch. Weather and news in a strange and unfamiliar place. Wondering what life is like for these people. Eating take out, eating in a restaurant, letting someone else cook for you. A place for our family to be together. Partly because we are forced to share these quarters, but in my family that's when it was even better than good. We acted differently, we bonded all over again, we play cards a...

I belong to an online forum that I frequent and today there was a post that was titled: "Are you happy being gay" It was from a man who has had a bad run of relationships and is basing his entire life on crappy relationships. Now most of the responces were the same, that all relationships straight and gay are good and bad, and you have to get through the bad ones to find the good ones. But I think they missed the point. The question is quite different to me. Are you happy being gay? My answer is this: I don't know. I don't know if I'm happy being gay because I keep it hidden. Being gay to me is filled with anxiety, wishing, wanting, and dreaming. How can one be happy hiding himself? I have anxiety about what my life would become if it was known I was gay. People would look at me different and act different towards me, that's even if they were o.k. with it. I know that my one "friend" would never speak to me again and never let me see my god ...

So I find myself wondering what gay dating would be like. In my previous relationship with women there really hasn't been much "dating" persae. They were both friends first so we just skipped over the whole dating part. I don't think I've really been on a real date before. How sad is that at my age? I did go on one blind date seveal years ago, but it was horrible, and it was a double date, so I don't really count it. So anyway, I've been wandering around the chub dating sites, as I am a chub I want someone who is either turned on by the idea of a chub or at least knows what they are in for. Chub dating sites for the bigger cities are really great, but for someone who lives in a very small town and isn't close enough to a big enough city to make it viable. I'm saddened by this fact. But these are the choices I made in my life. I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to live away? I would like to think I would take that opportunity...

Well I'm still exhausted, but not nearly as horny. My neighbor must have gone to work today because he's not outside to stare at. I've decided I just need one really great night of passion to relieve some of the stress in my life right now. Just one heated night of pure lust and get it out of my system for awhile. Yeah, that would be nice. I've been a very angry person here lately. I'm not sure what my problem is. I think it's a combination of everything going on in my life. My two best friends seem to be spending less and less time with me. I'm a little depressed about that. I'm not sure what's happening or what's going on, maybe I've turned into a bad friend. But I listen to them, I get involved and I let them vent whenever they want. Maybe it's my mood that is shying them away right now, maybe it's the fact that I'm always working, but is a quick phone call too much to ask? I've made some phone calls myself but n...

How is it I can be so exhausted and yet feel so horny at the same time? It's a conundrum. So these 17 hour days I think will kill me by the end of the week, but I have to do what I have to do right? I'm slowly making it and trying to stay awake throughout the day. I have no energy to do anything and yet I'm so borred. If I had the energy I could make myself do some things but I really don't want to. I've been searching through the blogs that I read and following links to other blogs. I am truely obbsessed with blogs, I love reading about other people's lives, and especially some of the gay ones. They have some hot photos and some hot stories, but honestly just a regular blog from a normal gay guy is great too! It's wierd, I can hear the same story from a straight guy, but somehow the same story from the gay man takes on a new perspective, and I just love it. I guess that's a little strange, yet sooo true. I'm having problems waking up in the...

So I'm in for a really long week, one right after another. I'm working 17 1/2 hours a day for the last week and still have another week to go. I love what I do, and these two weeks are worth it in the end, but the stress and the lack of sleep is going to kill me. I've been at this for almost two years now and I'm slowly making headway but I'm exhausted. It's not that I don't know I have to pay my dues, I'm paying my dues, but I'm so tired. I have no idea how long this will go on, and I'm not sure how long I can do it. I feel like I'm such a huge disappointment to everyone. That I can't get this store to pay the bills, that I can't afford to pay my own, that I'm still borrowing money from time to time from my parents. I work so I can stop that, I work more to try even harder to keep that from happening. I work and I work and I work to try and pay back my parents what I've borrowed. They say they are not in a rush, but ...

So last night I had a great dream. It was not a sexual dream, but the context of the dream is quite an awakening from my subconcious. The dream took place in my old bedroom, the bedroom I had when I first moved out. One of my roommates at the time was a very cute guy. He was openly gay, but I was/am not. Anyway the dream was me coming into the bedroom undressing to go to bed. He was in bed laying there in his underware talking to me like it was nothing. We talked as if we were a couple, we acted as if it was an ordinary night, like we did this every night of our lives. It was very relaxing, to feel so relaxed with another person in my bedroom. It was a comfort level like one I haven't had in a long time. Even when I had it, it didn't feel like this. I looked up the meanings of all the items in my various dream dictionaries and it told me in not so many words that keeping myself bottled up is driving me crazy and that it's time to come out. It was my subconsious con...

Yikes! I know what you're thinking. First blog out of the gates and he's touching on such a controversial topic as religion?? What's he thinking?? I'm not, that's part of the problem, or am I thinking too much? hmmm..... So anyway, I went to church yesterday for the first time in months. My job keeps me worn down so much and so I've been taking Sunday's as a day of rest. When I was going at first I couldn't stay awake so I gave up and worshiped in my own way on my own time. But Sunday was different, I decided to go. Usually I sit in church and I am filled with happy feelings. I feel closer to everyone, I feel closer to God and I feel connected. But yesterday that was different. The older I'm getting the more accepting I am of myself and the fact that I am gay. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with it and I hurt many people in the process. I'm not an obvious case of "duh, I knew he was gay, look at how he talks/wa...