Saturday, April 9, 2011

How to process

So a friend of mine died this week. She was the mother of my neighbors who at times were toxic and she knew it, but she loved them all the same. I would go out to her and her husband's house at night after all the grandkids and kids had all left and we would sit either out by the fire or on the back patio, just the three of us having great conversations. She looked rough on the outside but she was as sweet as could be with me. I connected with the two of them on a real friendship level that most 33 years old can't connect with 60 year olds, but I did. She had her problems as most people do but she was always so kind to me. She would tell me that when her husband and I would spend time together he was a better person and she enjoyed me coming to visit.

She had many, many medical problems and fought for a good long time, but sadly she lost the fight. I'm not sure how to process it right now because I have been disconnected from the family since I moved and actually a little before then and I feel bad I never got a chance to stop in and say hi any of my last trips home, and I feel bad because I can't make it back for the funeral so in situations like this I'm never quite sure how to get closure, how to process it. I learned about her death this morning through a facebook post oddly enough, and being disconnected a bit from the situation it's like it didn't happen.

It probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but I feel bad I can't be there for Robin or speak with him, he's not one for phone conversations. I think I need to send a card and stop by next time I'm in town, my heart is breaking but it is a weird situation that I guess I can't fully explain. I'm just sad she's gone. She's better off now, she's not fighting anymore, but I am sad. I will miss her, that is for sure.

God bless you Claudia. You will be missed.

1 comment:

  1. I think sending a card is certainly a good idea. Ugliness and/or toxicity doesn't have to be relevant, as you both loved and cared for someone who's gone.

    Sometimes the lack of goodbye sucks, but if your last memory was of a happier time, rather than a sick-bed farewell, maybe it's for the better?

    Death sucks. Period. There is no simple answer, but please know you're loved, and we're here to hug/hold your hand/just *be*...