Thursday, April 7, 2011

I am afraid

In many situations in life people can track back certain times in their life where some of their fears come from. I know where my claustrophobia comes from, I got trapped in a compartment in the back of our old station wagon and was trapped in there for 10 minutes before my parents were able to figure out what happened, safely pull over and get me out of there. I still cringe at the memory.

But recently I'm realizing just how many things I'm afraid of and I can't help but wonder where it came from. I can't trace it back and I can't remember where some of these things developed from. Why for instance did it take me 6 months of living in my first place in Michigan before I went into the video store to rent movies? I would drive by all the time but it took me 6 months to walk in and get my membership to rent movies. Why did it take me 10 minutes of circling the Chinese restaurant before I got the courage to walk inside and order my food. What exactly do I think is going to happen? Why does it take so much to convince me, and yet I can walk into any movie theater by myself and see a show without fear?

Why am I so overwhelmed in panic at the thought of walking into a dealership to look at new cars? What am I afraid of? Why is it I can just walk into any new store and look around and shop but the thought of walking into a crowded room full of strangers terrifies me? I just don't understand it sometimes.

I don't remember always being like this, well I guess if I really think about it I really do. Even as a child I didn't want to do anything alone, I didn't want to go anywhere alone, I didn't want to try new things alone, and I guess that's still the case today. I can be so independent and yet being alone terrifies me. What.the.heck.is.that.about? I aggravate myself so much at times.

I just wish I knew how to give myself the confidence to do these things by myself right away instead of worrying about it and having to build up enough courage to move my foot. Sometimes it's a few extra turns around a parking lot and sometimes it's months before I make myself do something. I just wish I could just get over it already. I'm 33 freaking years old, I need to start acting like it, at least when it comes to these simple matters.

Maybe acknowledging these things is the first step. I guess, I don't know.

So I've been trying to figure out what it is I'm just so afraid of. It might be easier if there was just one situation, but there are so many. What happened to me?


2 comments:

  1. When you figure it out, let me know!

    It's scary how alike we are sometimes...

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  2. Maybe all of these differet fears are really the same fear with different clothes on.
    Maybe you're afraid of rejection and/or being embarrassed in some way and therefore you are hesitant to expose yourself to people/places where you feel more likely to make a misstep.
    I dunno, just thinking about it.

    You know I live with you right? You do all sorts of stuff with me so maybe you can start asking me to come with you. You don't have to do this alone anymore remember?

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