Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Letting the crazy out.

So it keeps being brought to my attention that it's o.k. to let the crazy out on here. The problem with that is I'm still afraid of falling into old habits. Old habits you may question? When I was a younger lad I wore my heart on my sleeve, if I was having a bad day or any kind of issue I let everyone aware of it. Well as time went on people grew tired of that because let's face it, in those teenage years of life there isn't much good, it's all doom and gloom and even I got tired of it. So I started keeping it to myself.

I like to be put together, for the most part at the time of doing this it was more for the sake of those around me. It's weird because I started doing it because no matter what was happening in my life it wasn't as bad as theirs, or they would always turn the conversation to them, how it made them feel and how I was neglecting the friendship because I had problems that didn't involve them in some way. Yes I knew a lot of toxic people back then, and well most of my life. Ask my sister, she can tell you all about it because it would drive her crazy to listen to me talk about what was happening with my "friends".

So I started to keep it together and just fall apart on the inside. Which I thought worked well, I just dealt with my own issues on my own by myself. It's the way I've worked for so long that I sometimes have a hard time getting past it. I also have read my blog posts and let's be honest there were several years in there that even I got tired of reading, it was the same old crap time and time again. So I started to keep it all in my head again. The bad part about much of this is the fact that during most of this time I kept some pretty dark secrets, I was going through some pretty major stuff in my head and was falling apart at the seams. Few saw it, but many thought it. It got to a point that it started to show on the outside, how I treated others, how I treated myself and so on and so forth. I know it wasn't healthy, I know it's still not healthy but some habits die hard.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes, this past month. I haven't spoken about much of anything that's been running around in my head either because of timing issues, pride issues or just a lack of caring about myself. It was around the time of the interview for my new job when it all started. Interviews really are hard on me, I have to find enough strength and confidence to sell myself to someone enough that they want to hire me. That in itself can be such a huge chore and take quite a toll on my emotional well being. The nerves and the stress are enough to put me back on zanex. I thought it would get better after I heard I got the job, but it didn't.

Once I learned I got the job I started to lose control of schedule. I had no idea of a starting date until three days before and I didn't know anything after that. I was in constant turmoil over my schedule, I told everyone how easy I was and how I was going with the flow but deep inside I was losing my mind, but I was also trying to calm myself at the same time so I tried harder to push those thoughts away. Well as the end got closer of my old job another trend started, people started to email me and come see me and tell me how much they would miss me. A normal person would feel loved and be thankful, but me? My response was this: Why?

I could not get it through my head that people would actually miss me, I hardly spoke to anyone and didn't feel I had any time to build any kind of relationships with these people and yet they went out of their way to tell me they would miss me? Seriously? What was wrong with these people, why would anyone miss me? I realized that night that some serious issues with myself were rearing their ugly heads in full force. I started to really become my worst enemy, even more than before.

I was heading for a complete melt down in my head, I could see it coming, but I pushed it away and lived on the surface. I deflected affection, I deflected all emotions towards me. I also picked up on my self image issues. I stopped looking in mirrors again, I stopped seeing anything buy my hair to fix it every morning. I repulsed myself and couldn't stand the thought of anything good about it. Why did this new company want me? Why would people miss me? No one could love me, No one will ever love me. I went back in forth in my mind because I knew people loved me. There was a small voice in my head telling me all the positive things I know in my heart to be true, but my mind was more powerful.

It was about that time that it would be pointless to share any of this with anyone because I knew no matter what anyone said I couldn't listen to it, I couldn't accept anything anyone would have to say about the situation. Hell for most of the last month I couldn't quite verbalize what it was that was happening inside and I still have no explanations but apparently I have words now. I would like to say that was it and I'm better now, but it kept going.

Even after a trip to my parents and everyone hugging me and telling me how much they miss me and how proud they are of me and all the positive reinforcement one person could get, I couldn't accept it. Instead I stayed inside at my parents, didn't go visit anyone because I just couldn't bring myself to do it, why would anyone want to see me? At that point my mind turned towards my family and how horrendous it would be for me to come out and how quickly they will turn on me and I would no longer be a part of any family and I would die alone because no one could love this hideous wreck of a person. I decided to live up the family time while I still had it because in a fraction of a moment it will all be taken from me.

Wow, that was hard to write out.

So anyway I put on the front, the image to start my new job. It was new day, a new beginning I was going to swallow it all down and push through to the other side. Well going downtown to the main office for orientation was not easy. Downtown is all suit and ties and all business and very intimidating and I started my craziness all over again. I did some breathing exercises in my car so I could get out of it and get to my orientation. I held it together well and got through orientation trying to make some awkward conversation with people who all seemed to be hitting it off together and I felt like I was outside looking in.

It didn't help much that it was pretty disorganized and there was not a lot of communication, but I got through it and then headed off back to the building I used to work at for the second part of the day. Well on the drive over my car started to act funny, I've had some cars in my time so I knew what funny was. I started to get angry, then I got nervous and then I knew I was headed towards panic mode. I managed to get the car to a safe parking lot at work so at least I knew I could finish the day of work, but I sat there in the car for two hours trying to figure out what to do.

I thank God for sitting with me and keeping me calm and reminding me what amazing people I know here. God got me through the first 45 minutes of that sit and then Bethany called and kept me from falling off the ledge. I was reminded that the car situation would work out. The funny part is that while I was close to the ledge I knew I wouldn't fall off of it because of the people I knew and loved and to be honest there was so much other stuff running around in my head at that time I couldn't devote my full attention to the situation.

For awhile everything else just drifted away as I asked, accepted and received help to get the car towed back to this neck of the woods and figure out that it's probably not fixable and I would have to start shopping for a new car. Seemed easy enough, my tax refund was on it's way and I'm at a position I could finally afford a car payment again. Not the best timing but doable. Well this is where everything finally hit. I have never shopped for a car without my father or my brother with me calling the shots. Car decisions have always been pretty easy, one dealership in town, a salesman my family has dealt with for 30 years, etc... I was no faced with shopping for a car all by myself.

I was driving around in different car lots completely overwhelmed by the situation. The financial decision, the product decision, etc... I was so lost and being quickly buried by this mound of grownupness, responsibility and indecision I had to put the car in park and completely broke down, asking out loud to myself I guess what to do next? I was at that moment just a complete mess, everything came to a head and burst out of me.

Since then things have been returning to somewhat normal in my head. I am still a bit overwhelmed with car shopping and the decisions I need to make, but after I went into the first place by myself it didn't seem so bad. As far as image is concerned, that too has started to get better, it just seems like everything is returning to the level of "normalcy" it was before.

I hate writing this stuff because I feel like it's going to make people feel like I don't trust them when I do. I just have a hard time verbalizing and letting go of things. Sometimes people know there is something wrong but I can't tell them because sometimes I just don't know, or sometimes I do know and I just can't let it out. I don't know why for sure, a part of it is because I don't want anyone to think I'm unhappy here, or that I am somehow unhappy with my life because I do love my life, I love where I am, I just have some old baggage to sort through.

So there you have it. Craziness. It is not to say that I didn't have some great moments to truly appreciate during this time because lots of good happened this month that I did appreciate. Goodness that helped ease the craziness if even for a moment, or a day, or a weekend. Goodness that saw me through. I just had some craziness in my head I refused to acknowledge until it forced me to.

There are a few other posts I need to finish that were started during this craziness, but they will come in time.

1 comment:

  1. :pullsoutsoapbox:
    Do you think I don't trust you when I keep things inside and don't share because I don't know how?
    Do you think that I'm unhappy with my life or where I am because I have all this drama in my head for the last 8 months?

    I know better than many that me asking you that won't change anything and that you'll continue to beat yourself up until you decide that you're done with it.

    Don't worry, I'll keep telling you this stuff and forcing things out of you (and reminding you to BACK AWAY FROM THE LEDGE) until you figure it out. That's what friends (and super awesome fantastic roomies are for.


    (also, spread the blog love a little. No posts for almost a month and 2 in one day?! This girl can't take it!)