Missed opportunities
So my friends Ron and Norm invited me to Ron's birthday party, Ron and Norm are the gay couple that befriended me and had me over at Christmas if you don't remember. I always enjoy their parties and their company. Each of them come see me at the store at least once a week and stick around for conversation, it's so nice.
So anyway I found out I had to work tonight and wouldn't get to attend the party but they ordered a tray and I said I would deliver it because I had a bit of a break between closing the store and going into the night job so I wanted to be able to at least stop by since it's so rare I get to visit them. They said they had company for the weekend so there would already be people there. Ron and Norm know some of the most hilarious and kind people so I'm always interested in meeting their friends.
When I arrived I headed down to the patio off of the basement where the beach to the pond is. Norm was there with another gay couple that I was introduced to and then they turned to the beach and pointed to the other gay couple there who were napping in the sand working on their tans. Oh.my. :drool: Two gorgeous hunks of men were napping shirtless on the beach and I nearly got light headed! It was worth the trip right then and there.
I had such a good time with all of them for the whole hour I was able to visit. I did spend most of the time adjusting my shirt and moving in my seat trying to feel less fat around all these beautiful people. What I found odd about my behavior is that they did nothing to make me feel like a blimp. They were all so kind and caring and so easy to talk to, but I couldn't stop feeling intimidated by them. I realize more and more just how uncomfortable I am in my own skin with every meeting of new people. I kept wondering why I keep doing this to myself, it was a good hour of nice conversation and I couldn't stop myself from being so self conscious.
I wanted to stay longer, I wanted to stay for the party. I think Ron and Norm have figured me out by now, no one has said for sure, but I'm pretty sure they know. Ron is my computer repair guy and last year or so when I had these computers rebuilt and repaired I had he working on an issue with my burner. I had just downloaded a soundtrack to an unwell known musical called "Naked Boys Singing" If you've never heard it, it's hilarious! Some people may not enjoy the naked dancing, but it's more about the music. But anyway the burner created a burn log with the title and such and he had to access the file to figure out the problem. I know in reading that file he read it and pieced it together. I have never talked about my ex-girlfriends and laugh when they first brought up dating a woman, so while never coming out and saying it, I've hinted and never denied it. I thought some day I would tell them but there never seems to be the time. It's not a conversationn to have at the store while being interrupted, and maybe that's why they keep wanting me to come over for cocktails after work. But we'll see. They are so kind and wonderful and their friends are just as awesome, so I'm enjoying this friendship. I can see myself stopping by every time I'm home after I move.
But alas I had to get to work and had to leave. I did score hugs from the hotties, oh yeah. ;)
They asked me to stop by after work and see if the lights were on, and after work I got there and the lights were on but it was quiet and I was very tired and dirty and smelly after work so I decided it would be best if I went home. I wish I had ventured down to the patio to see if anyone was there because they are so much fun, but I convinced myself I would be intruding and convinced myself I should go home. Some days I can't believe myself.
So I'm catching up online and S comes over VERY drunk from his evening. I don't see S this drunk very often. We had some good conversation and opportunities seemed to slowly be coming about, but I think he realized this and convinced himself to go home before they came to the surface. I was going back and forth in my mind about what to do, but the good me won and let him leave, I just know it would have changed everything in ways I don't think either one of us would have been prepared for, or really wanted. It would have been convenience for one of us, and would have been something more for another. It's best that I'm home alone and ready to go to bed alone. While sad at the missed opportunities, I know I'm better off.
Well anyway, I'm off to bed, just had to get that out of my head. Hopefully I won't have that damn college dream again.
So anyway I found out I had to work tonight and wouldn't get to attend the party but they ordered a tray and I said I would deliver it because I had a bit of a break between closing the store and going into the night job so I wanted to be able to at least stop by since it's so rare I get to visit them. They said they had company for the weekend so there would already be people there. Ron and Norm know some of the most hilarious and kind people so I'm always interested in meeting their friends.
When I arrived I headed down to the patio off of the basement where the beach to the pond is. Norm was there with another gay couple that I was introduced to and then they turned to the beach and pointed to the other gay couple there who were napping in the sand working on their tans. Oh.my. :drool: Two gorgeous hunks of men were napping shirtless on the beach and I nearly got light headed! It was worth the trip right then and there.
I had such a good time with all of them for the whole hour I was able to visit. I did spend most of the time adjusting my shirt and moving in my seat trying to feel less fat around all these beautiful people. What I found odd about my behavior is that they did nothing to make me feel like a blimp. They were all so kind and caring and so easy to talk to, but I couldn't stop feeling intimidated by them. I realize more and more just how uncomfortable I am in my own skin with every meeting of new people. I kept wondering why I keep doing this to myself, it was a good hour of nice conversation and I couldn't stop myself from being so self conscious.
I wanted to stay longer, I wanted to stay for the party. I think Ron and Norm have figured me out by now, no one has said for sure, but I'm pretty sure they know. Ron is my computer repair guy and last year or so when I had these computers rebuilt and repaired I had he working on an issue with my burner. I had just downloaded a soundtrack to an unwell known musical called "Naked Boys Singing" If you've never heard it, it's hilarious! Some people may not enjoy the naked dancing, but it's more about the music. But anyway the burner created a burn log with the title and such and he had to access the file to figure out the problem. I know in reading that file he read it and pieced it together. I have never talked about my ex-girlfriends and laugh when they first brought up dating a woman, so while never coming out and saying it, I've hinted and never denied it. I thought some day I would tell them but there never seems to be the time. It's not a conversationn to have at the store while being interrupted, and maybe that's why they keep wanting me to come over for cocktails after work. But we'll see. They are so kind and wonderful and their friends are just as awesome, so I'm enjoying this friendship. I can see myself stopping by every time I'm home after I move.
But alas I had to get to work and had to leave. I did score hugs from the hotties, oh yeah. ;)
They asked me to stop by after work and see if the lights were on, and after work I got there and the lights were on but it was quiet and I was very tired and dirty and smelly after work so I decided it would be best if I went home. I wish I had ventured down to the patio to see if anyone was there because they are so much fun, but I convinced myself I would be intruding and convinced myself I should go home. Some days I can't believe myself.
So I'm catching up online and S comes over VERY drunk from his evening. I don't see S this drunk very often. We had some good conversation and opportunities seemed to slowly be coming about, but I think he realized this and convinced himself to go home before they came to the surface. I was going back and forth in my mind about what to do, but the good me won and let him leave, I just know it would have changed everything in ways I don't think either one of us would have been prepared for, or really wanted. It would have been convenience for one of us, and would have been something more for another. It's best that I'm home alone and ready to go to bed alone. While sad at the missed opportunities, I know I'm better off.
Well anyway, I'm off to bed, just had to get that out of my head. Hopefully I won't have that damn college dream again.
Being around attractive people is always intimidating! Just remember in those situations how genuinely kind your friends are to you, how they invite you over and even stop in to see you. If they were hung up on your weight, things would be a little different.
ReplyDeleteFrom my own experience, when I see you in real life, I can "see" that you're overweight, but that's not what I "look" at. It's just a part of the whole picture, and the whole picture is a kind and beautiful man.
I think you made the right decision with S. There's no going back once you crossed that line, and that kind of thing can complicate and/or ruin a friendship if you're not on the same page going in to it.
I'm not saying you should never. I'm just saying you owe it to yourselves and each other to make sure you're both on the same page ahead of time. And sober.
Speaking of friends, Cody and I have been talking, and it seems you made quite an impression on him! I mentioned your tweet about being lonely during the day, and he wants to add you to our "my circle" so he can call and chat with you from time to time. I think it's a win-win, cause I know he gets lonely talkin' to the dogs while I'm at work. So e-mail me your #!
jake dot pruitt at gmail dot com