Monday, July 20, 2009

Nearly another month has slipped by me.

Yes it's true, there are only 2 short weeks left in July! Where is the summer going? What have I been doing? It hasn't helped that it's been unusually chilly so far this summer. The air conditioner isn't running as much and I haven't really missed it.

In an effort to blog more, here I am. This weekend a few of us were talking about blogging, and our google readers and such and how busy we all get reading through our google readers reading about the lives of others we start to neglect our own blogs that have their own dependent readers and eventually as we all do that, we will stop having more to read about. While in a conversation with my friend Cody he thinks that may not be a bad thing, I for one think it could be terrible. Cody and I discussed internet usage and time spent on the computer and how he struggles with watching people do it, but understands it's a hobby and connects people. It is because of the internet I have met such wonderful friends and without it, I would not have even been down in Cinci this past weekend because I wouldn't know any of them, and that would make me very sad.

It seems silly even to me at times how much time I spend on the internet, but I realized it's not playing games, or watching porn, or finding cheaper car parts, it's time spent building and mainting a community, a community of people that for the most part I've been meeting in real life, friendships that are stronger from hundreds of miles away than some that are across town. It's because of these friendships that I love spending time online chatting or reading blogs, or writing blogs. Writing blogs allows me to empty my mind of thoughts and relax a little, sometimes all it takes it to type a problem out to see the solution staring at me in the face, sometimes not, but you get the picture.

This weekend I went to Cincinnati to spend some time with a great group of people. Some I knew before in real life, some I was meeting for the first time but have known them on the forum for quite sometime. I can't speak for the group, but I had such an amazing time. I'd say it was all fun, but really while we had such a fun time we also got into some really great discussions about life, about God and about so many other subjects. I find it so amazing that such an eclectic group of people can get together, discuss ideas and thoughts and still have such a great time.

We met Friday for dinner, I was running behind so I just met everyone at the restaurant and we enjoyed a wonderful meal together and of course, like usual we somehow became the loudest table in the place. lol. It's talent, I'm convinced. Most of us had these incredible GIANT margaritas and at times we acted like a group of high schoolers, only if high school had been that fun, I would have enjoyed it more! When you get this group together it seems as if there are no holds barred, anything and everything does and has come up and we laugh hystercially through the entire meal.

Friday night we just spent the evening unwinding and talking. Saturday morning I was awakened by Bethany bringing Angie around to show her the house. I didn't even have to put my glasses on to know that the short ball of energy in front of me was Angie lol. Waking up is never easy for me, I'm usually very groggy and unhappy and I was nervous about waking up in a house with 6 other people, but I was actually very happy that morning to come upstairs and see everyone milling about and generally having a great time already. After we were all ready all 7 of us headed out to go tour Union Station in Cincinnati, I believe a lot of people call it the City Science Center because it houses three different science museums, but we were going for the tour of the building itself.

The tour was awesome and we had a great time, then it was off to lunch at Smokey Bones and then we caught the new Harry Potter movie. The movie was very good even though I hadn't read any of the books and hadn't seen any of the movies all the way through, but I think I will now. Saturday evening we fired up the bar-b-que and had a good old fashioned bar-b-que and it was fantastic. Everyone relaxed and mingling and it seemed everywhere I went there was a different conversation going on shedding light all through my life. I stood back by the bar-b-que staring off into this crowd of people thinking how lucky I am to have them in my life, how lucky I was to be a part of such a group, and how fortunate I was to be able to be down there to be with them all.

The evening winded down and everyone was exhausted, but I was still wide awake when the last bedroom door closed so I stayed awake and played on facebook and later on went outside to smoke. Sitting on the porch enjoying the cool breeze coming through and listening to nature and a little traffic off in the distance I was completely calm and relaxed. I couldn't imagine being able to do that more often. I talked about my fears with the girls the next day about moving my every day stress to Cincinnati and how it will no longer be the getaway location, it will become my place of work and bills and every day life, and I worried Cincinnati would lose it's appeal. They reminded me that the every day stress I'm living will not be there. I shouldn't be working 100 hours a week, I should have a steady pay check, I will be around new and old friends, sparking new friendships and allowing myself the freedom I've never felt before. I think they're right and I just can't wait to get there and start my new life.

It's hard to explain to people who don't want to leave what it is that is so peaceful about a new place, why I would want to leave and how I can imagine a better life away from here. Each person makes their own choices, each heart needs something different, each mind is stimulated in different ways. The only places I've lived besides this town was in Michigan. I never really chose Michigan, it had the school I wanted to attend and it afterwards it had a job I loved. I made do with where it was at until who I was doing my job for became too much to bare. I ended up moving here thinking this is what I wanted, but it's not, it's what I needed.

I needed these past 4 years to get the closure on things I didn't have before and to clear my mind in ways I hadn't before. I was able to sort through friendships and see which ones were really friends and which ones weren't, I had to learn the things about myself that I have learned, to clarify my wants from my needs, my goals from dreams, and healthy relationships from toxic ones. I've done this and I'm ready to go, on to the next stage of my life, onto the next phase in my relationship with God, onto bigger and better things, to chase the rest of my dreams and be the person I know I am inside.

I didn't much while being away. I missed F and C, I missed S because I know they all would have had a great time with everyone down there. I did miss my family but I know now that we are closer when we don't see each other every day. I didn't miss the store or anything about it, I didn't miss the neighbors, I didn't miss anything else. I know it was just two days and I may miss other things when I'm gone for longer, but I feel differently than I did last time I left, last time I forced myself to leave, and this time, I'm ready to leave.

Ready to leave is probably the most frustrating part right now because I'm ready but it's not easy. It's not easy because I own real estate, because I own a failing business that is slowly trying to kill me. I spent an hour or so talking to God on Saturday night asking what is wrong with my timing? What was left for me to do? What loose ends need to be taken care of? Is there something major I'm supposed to be here for yet? I've mentally let go already, when will he allow me the opportunity to physically let go? I have tried and tried to give it over to him, to let him worry about it, but I just can't seem to get over the worry and stress somehow. I've put my faith in him for the move, why can't I trust him before the move? It seems everyday here there is another obsticle, another expense, another heart wrenching situation happening and I'm just so drained I can't deal with another, I'm just ready to go.


  1. Just keep trusting God dear. He's got you even when you can't feel it.

  2. There really is something magical about sleeping at Bethany's isn't there?!

    It's always nice when we can relax amongst friends and just "be". No store, no job, just laughter and good conversation. It's like a retreat for your heart!