Monday, July 20, 2009

Great conversations and a great weekend!

I wrote a rather lengthy blog entry on my other blog so I'll try not to repeat some of the same details over on this one, but it may happen lol.

I know I've posted before in several different locations about how even amongst a group of people I feel so alone, and I just wanted to post for once that this past weekend was the first time I can remember I was amongst a group of people and never once felt lonely. It was fantastic. I even felt loved and accepted, and part of a community, it felt awesome. I knew I would love everyone, I already did before I met them, but I have a nervous disorder that makes me stress out in crowds, or when I'm around a lot of people so I took a handful of xanex to get me through what I thought could be a rough time. I didn't take a single one of them. There was not one moment that I felt overwhelmed or stressed out by anyone there, I just couldn't believe it! It's just very unlike me, I'm sure the few adult beverages I had helped a bit, but I didn't even drink that much, it was just so pleasant, I didn't need to.

It seemed everytime I got up and moved or ran to grab something from a different location I came across a conversation I couldn't walk away from, either I was just listening, or interacting each conversation spoke to me in different ways, it was absolutely fantastic. From the conversations regarding past inflictions governing how we love or how we allow to be loved, to the church's influence on homosexuality, to how the Harry Potter movies translate into life and religion to even small conversations between Cody and I.

I won't go into detail about any of our small conversations because while they did not cross any kind of line with me, they would more than likely cross all sorts of lines with the people that read this. I know Jake is probably shaking his head, but it was all good. Those conversations while small and insignificant to most meant the world to me. The openess and honesty of these conversations I carried on with Jake and Cody both were so refreshing and fun and made me feel so good. I have trouble putting the feeling into words but it planted them both so much further into my heart than I thought was possible for most people to reach. I have never felt so accepted and comfortable to share than I was this weekend. The two of them will probably never fully understand what this time with them this weekend has meant to me and what it's done for my mind and my heart. I love them so much for being the imperfect, hilarious and most loving people and couple they are.

The entire weekend was so freeing, not hiding who I am, not hiding my problems, being called out on my problems and actions and being forced to look at them head on was great. Not being able to use defense mechanisms because they were called out as such, having heart filled conversations with everyone, I just wouldn't trade a minute of it for any money in the world. To hear the perspectives from everyone and listening to stories from their lives, their hardships, and how they handle them, I just can't get over it. I'm rambling I know.

I just wish every weekend could be similar to that, or every day really. To feel free to be who I am, to be imperfect and be accepted, to hear people have the same problems and the same questions as you. The jokes, the laughter, the comfort and encouragement just all came raining down. I know I'm not the only one who felt it, just based on the number of people who got chocked up over the weekend at different times.

I felt all lit up while I was driving home, the traffic was attrocious but I stayed nice and calm and was enjoying the drive. It seemed the closer I got to home the darker things got. Realizing that my weekend out of the closet was over and getting back in was so frustrating, they say once the door is open it's nearly impossible to close it again, and it's so true. It's still open a little, enough for me to breath at least. Coming back to the stress that is my business is never a welcoming feeling, and then my truck broke a spring about 1/2 hour from home which was the end of the good feeling, it was like an immediate end to a great feeling when I heard that pop and the resulting clanging all the way home.

But I'm trying to push through, I'm trying to keep on the lighter side. I've allowed myself some time to be pissy, but then try......TRY to realize there isn't much I can do at this point so just keep piecing things together until it's over.

I've made some pretty major decisions about the store today. I've given myself some deadlines and altamadums. That's always the hardest part, the decisions. But they have to made and things have to keep moving on one way or another. If nothing comes along August 21 is going to be the first of the major changes to get me through. Each business owner has to make a decision, how long can you afford to keep doing this? I've made my decision and there isn't much that can change that now, I just hope someone comes along before then and lets me open up the happy option.

I'm going to try and blog more here too, and I'm going to try to work harder and being happy here. Life's too short to spend so much of it miserable even when things aren't going the way you had hoped, so I'm going to try, and try harder.

Thanks to everyone that was there this weekend because you have done my heart, mind and soul so much good.


  1. What the hell is an alternadum! LOL
    I know what you mean, just chapping your ass.

    I'm glad you had a good time this weekend and that you are making decisions that are best for you and your future. The basement is ready for you whenever you're ready for it.

  2. I wasn't shaking my head. Honest. I did shake my head a little when the two of you mentioned some of the things you talked about, but that was out of amazement. It says a lot about you that you were able to make Cody comfortable enough to let his guard down that far.

    It was so nice to be able to see you relax and enjoy yourself!

    And singing along to "Sweet Transvestite" was just fun...