A very good friend of mine pointed out to me this past week during my current shitty attitude that no matter what it is I want, I always find a way to get it. Even in a tanking business in a tanking economy I have found a way to get my ideas of remodeling done. I wanted to buy a business, I made it happen, I wanted out of Michigan, I made it happen. This and so many more things I find ways to make them happen, I'm not sure if it's stubbornness, or maybe determination, or what exactly it is about me that makes this happen, and yet I start to think about other things I want:
I want to be healthy. Why is it I can't do this for myself? Why is it this drive or determination or whatever it is won't work on myself? Why can't I budget better? Why can't I eat better? Why can't I work out more? Why do I give up so easily on my physical and emotional self, but I push myself harder and harder on my material selections?
What is it that is holding me back? I love healthy food, I love walking and working out, why do I give up so easily when it comes to me?
I set out this year with one goal, and one goal only, to pay more attention to the foods I put in my body, and I have already failed miserably. I have turned into the stereotypical fat guy and I hate it, I look at myself in the mirror and ridicule myself and scream at myself for letting me turn into this person I don't know, this person I don't recognize and I wonder why I can't see myself being loved when I can't even love myself!
Why don't I feel that I deserve to be healthy, why don't I believe that I deserve to look good on the outside? What is it that is holding me back from putting all this energy into something that matters? Why do I spend three weeks researching and debating the types of lighting I want to put above my deli that I'm selling, but I won't take three minutes to find something healthy to eat over the hamburger that is available to me?
What a conundrum. I need to find more balance in my life, to let go of things that don't matter and grab hold of things that do.