Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I just don't get it.

A very good friend of mine pointed out to me this past week during my current shitty attitude that no matter what it is I want, I always find a way to get it. Even in a tanking business in a tanking economy I have found a way to get my ideas of remodeling done. I wanted to buy a business, I made it happen, I wanted out of Michigan, I made it happen. This and so many more things I find ways to make them happen, I'm not sure if it's stubbornness, or maybe determination, or what exactly it is about me that makes this happen, and yet I start to think about other things I want:

I want to be healthy. Why is it I can't do this for myself? Why is it this drive or determination or whatever it is won't work on myself? Why can't I budget better? Why can't I eat better? Why can't I work out more? Why do I give up so easily on my physical and emotional self, but I push myself harder and harder on my material selections?

What is it that is holding me back? I love healthy food, I love walking and working out, why do I give up so easily when it comes to me?

I set out this year with one goal, and one goal only, to pay more attention to the foods I put in my body, and I have already failed miserably. I have turned into the stereotypical fat guy and I hate it, I look at myself in the mirror and ridicule myself and scream at myself for letting me turn into this person I don't know, this person I don't recognize and I wonder why I can't see myself being loved when I can't even love myself!

Why don't I feel that I deserve to be healthy, why don't I believe that I deserve to look good on the outside? What is it that is holding me back from putting all this energy into something that matters? Why do I spend three weeks researching and debating the types of lighting I want to put above my deli that I'm selling, but I won't take three minutes to find something healthy to eat over the hamburger that is available to me?

What a conundrum. I need to find more balance in my life, to let go of things that don't matter and grab hold of things that do.

2 comments:

  1. Because it's not about the food dude. It's about the value that you place on your life, on your health and on you period. (Is it redundant to put a . after saying period?)
    I do the same thing, and it's a rough cycle to break, because when you fail, and you and I both will, it's just another reason to say see see, this is why I _____ Insert insane derogatory thing there____
    But you have already, by LEAPS AND BOUNDS worked on some emotional, mental and psychological issues in the past year. Those things alone were blocking the path to truly seeing yourself as worthy of being fit and healthy (Notice, I didn't say thin, thin doesn't always mean healthy).
    We're in the same boat. I'll help you if you help me ;)
    As always, I love you more then words darling.

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  2. You know, if you're going to be writing my blogs for me, I might have to stop writing my own. Seriously, dude, get out of my head. :-)

    I wish I had advice for you, but I'm in the same boat. Let's make a deal. If you figure out something that works, you'll let me know. And vice versa. Okay?

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