Freedom comes from Confinement

In Prayers for Bobby he reads through his journal and one of the lines he read was this: "I wonder if I'll ever be free again" The line came from when he was talking about dreaming. He used to dream about flying, and suddenly since his realization how he became afraid to fly in his dreams. Afraid he would run into power lines and how painful it would be. He was talking about being free from telling lies, free from being someone others wanted him to be. Free to tell the truth, freedom to be who he is without feeling dirty, or ashamed, or cast away from society. I know I am far from the only person in this world that feels that way. All the years I spent totally alone in the closet I felt the same way, granted I could never quite verbalize it like that, it was true all the same. Few people can understand the confines of the lies, the feeling you get when they leave your lips, how awful you feel for lying to people you care about. What it's like to say things you don...

I have had a very hard day today. It wasn't one or two things that set me off, it was a build up of so many things because of so many people and it built and built until I finally just exploded. Sadly it was to my brother, he and my father take a brunt of my anger, I'm not sure why. I talked to him later about it and apologized and told him he didn't deserve to take the brunt of it for everyone I was angry at, but for some reason I'm more comfortable taking it out on him and I was sorry for it. He told me he's strong enough to take it and knows why he takes the brunt of it, and if it keeps me sane he'd keep his shoulders broad and strong to take whatever I can throw at him because he knows I don't mean it. It's the deepest conversation we've had in over a year, it was pretty freaky. But I felt better after I apologized to him and things went back to normal. I've apologized to my dad many times as well. Why is it I take out my frustration and an...

You know, it was supposed to be a nice night out with the bowling league. Nothing fancy, just a few drinks and home by 10pm. But yet somehow tonight I started the night respecting a good friend, and ended the night totally pissed off and lost every once of respect for a good friend. You want to cheat on your wife? Don't invite me out to watch it. You want me to meet your friends? cool, stop trying to get them to sleep with you when you have three kids at home, one of which has been out of the hospital for less than a day, and a wife of 14 years waiting for you. I hate it. I don't care if you did not actually sleep with the woman, hanging all over her, having her in the men's room with you, and telling me you want to f### her is still cheating. I've been there, I never even met the guy but I was cheating on my girlfriend, it's plain and simple. If you're unhappy either fight for the marriage or leave, give her a little respect for the 14 years of hell you'...

Sorry guys, I fell asleep yesterday during the movie because lets face it, it's Sunday and I could. :) I did get my notes made for the first half of the movie, tonight I can do the other half, it's going to be a long post, so I'm trying to break it down a little more and just hit the big ones. For those that missed it, it's being replayed again on Lifetime on Tuesday at 9pm EST. I'm hoping to buy a DVD but after going through the website, I'm just not sure there will be one. If you don't see it, well then my next blog could be a little scattered for you, but it might still make sense. As far as spoilers Jake, I'm not sure there is much spoiling to do, the outcome is in the previews so there is not real clif hanger lol. I think you'll be fine by then, if not, just don't read the next post until after you've seen the movie. ;) But if you have seen it, I'd like to hear your opinion on the movie as well. Like I said in the last post, the...

I know, I've been bad, avoiding an update again, I just haven't had much to say and haven't had the time and (________________) *feel free to fill in random excuse here. But enough of excuses! I have sold my car!!! Woot! It was slow start when I moved it out front, but within a couple of days I had some interested parties. It came down to two people and the first one came in this morning to confirm he'd take it. Not only was he taking one, he was taking both cars! Both cars you ask? My cousin had the identical car only a year newer that had all good parts for the ones in mine that were bad so we decided to do both cars for one price. Yeah!! Now I can afford to do the rest of the work on my truck aka. new brakes, tune up etc... Things at the store have been rather slow lately, I blame a lot on the weather because when weather gets good for a few days I get back to normal sales, that makes me feel better. We're still trucking away on the renovations and repairs like...

There has been a lot of discussion on the quality of the movie and the story in many of the gay blogs I read, many of them thinking it was badly done, bad writing, so on and so forth. I didn't watch it for them. This movie while it may not have been the highest quality movie I've ever seen, the writing is not the most direct etc... the movie was profound and quotes in this movie are still bouncing around in my brain and they comfort me, it's almost as if they answer questions I've had in my head, maybe not answer so much as I finally heard some things that were word for word in my head and it felt good. I have so much to say on this blog, but I'm going to watch the movie again before I have to go to work so I can hear those things again and be able to put my thoughts into words either tonight or tomorrow. I just think more people should watch it.

Went to Michigan today and while I had some of the same feelings of nostolgia that I normally get when I'm around the old neighborhood this time it came with a sense of hope. I remember what it was like to be around the city, the driving, the people, the things to see and the things to do, it was wonderful. I can't wait to get back to it!! I had such a great day, we had a great dinner at Mongolian Bar-B-Que . If you've never been to one, you must go right away, they are fantastic!!! I got my parents hooked on them when they were visiting me in Michigan and it's been a family favorite ever since. I've already checked the Cinci area and found one fairly close, so I'll be fine with the move lol. I also located an outlet mall with my favorite store Casual Male within an hour of Cinci, so that's good too. :) I spent more money than I was anticipating today, but it much needed. I bought 3 pairs of jeans, I've never had that many pairs that fit and I liked ...

So I get home from Wendy's tonight and hear what I thought was the washer running, I thought it was odd and went to investigate only to find water spraying all over the place. I run to the basement only to find a very large puddle on the floor and water dripping from the hallway above, try to find the shut off valves for that part of the water line and can't find them. I run back upstairs to the laundry room to trace the pipe again to notice it is hosing down my new drywall in the hallway and spreading water into the bathroom as well. So I finally trace down the shut off valve in the store bathroom on the other side of the laundry room wall and shut off the water and go back to the laundry room to assess the damage. Everything is soaked including the two rugs, the towels that were waiting for the wash and my tool boxes are filled with water. We used really good paint in there so no water soaking into the drywall of the actual laundry room, but the cabinets are soaked, the floo...

So today I opened up my internet dating email, the address I use for only those services I still have profiles on and discovered to my surprise that Michael, the guy I was talking with awhile ago is back. I wrote about this on a few different occasions progressing from happy , nervous , to forget about it . It seems he's been emailing many, many times a month both on my email hosted by the service as well as my personal email (well the one I gave him). Constant emails about wanting to talk again, how he's missed me, how he still wants to meet me, etc... He really turned me off the last time we spoke, I knew it was building to that point, but just kept talking. He's just not my type. He was rather rude at times, talked to me like I was 10 when he's only 4 years older than me, and he had no sense of responsibility. He constantly talked about his ex. who he was still living with and threw a fit if he heard a radio or t.v. in the background when we spoke on the phone. All...

I have been thinking lately about what it has been so far in my generations time that was such a great discovery. If you think about previous generations they had electricity, the automobile, sliced bread, etc... I have been trying to figure out what it is in our generation that has rocked the world when I realized how fast the internet took over the world. When I was in elementary school we had computers, they were called systems 80 and they were so high tech. 10 buttons with cards to program them, oh boy, they were so much fun. lol. In high school I took a programing class on an Apple IIe, yeah, um, it was soon there after that the computers were destroyed and updated to IBM. It wasn't until I was in college in 95 or 96 when I got my very first email address. I had no idea what to do with it really because I only knew one person that had email, and that was my uncle. The idea of the internet was so far from our minds. I grew up with a Tandy computer that came from Radio Sha...

I find it very strange that I'm listening to the same soundtrack that I listened to for four months straight as I worked out my business plan every night after work and used as motivation as I started this business. It's a very strange feeling three years later knowing that in a matter of weeks I will be listing this place on the market, and hopefully within a year I'll be moving on to the next phase of my life. And every new adventure when I'm listening to this music it takes on new meaning, and yet keeps me moving forward. The soundtrack? Rent. It's my favorite of all of the musicals that I love. How could you just not love this music? "There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, or life is your's to miss" I mean, wow, I just love it. So anyway I promised Genia that I would update this blog with the care and thought I updated my other blog, and I hate to disappoint. So New Year's eve S and I went out with two couples, two straig...

The other night on the History channel they talked about the end of times. The used the beliefs of scientists and biblical scholars as well as the words of the bible to debate whether the end is near or it's just a cosmic coincidence. It was very well written and showed that both sides could be right. I was left just confused about it. I spend what I think is an abnormal amount of time thinking about the end of the world and death in general. I think because it's one of the biggest things in my faith that I question, what is it I believe? As a child I used to believe that once you die your body is nothing and your soul goes to heaven for judgment and to live eternally with the maker. But the more ideas I'm exposed to, the more people talk and the more I read I really wonder about the timing of things. There are people that believe when you die your soul remains with your body until Jesus comes back to earth and raises the dead to enjoy the new heaven on earth because th...

What a month, I already blogged my updates on my other blog , I don't really want to recant them all over again, and since about the only people that know about this blog already know about the other, I can post the link. For those that only read this blog, and I've discovered one or two of them, shhhhh.....I'm in the closet. Not that is should be a shock, but anyway. The dinner party I spoke about both on this blog and the other blog was so fascinating. Tracey and Doug were a freaking riot! They've been together for 14 years, they just amaze me. They share a last name because as Tracey said, back then gay rights weren't a big deal, and also non existent so Tracey just went in and legally changed his last name to Doug's last name. Tracey said they put both their names on everything so if one dies the other one is already the legal owner of whatever it is they own. He said they are very cautious about the decisions they make and have to think about the legal rep...

Wow, it has been a little while since I've written anything substantial. I've had things in my head for weeks that are long gone, and some that are reoccurring. Christmas was quite a whirlwind of activity, one that I'm just now starting to recover from! On the business side, the month of December has been very good to me, something I could actually get used to. I managed to pay most of my bills this month! To top things off I ran my yearly reports for the accountant and found that the business actually profited this year! It's really kind of scary because I have NO idea where it went, but by the time we get done with our write offs I'll be back in the poor house. lol. But anyway, December had me up late, running myself ragged and I'm glad it's over. Christmas eve was nice as in I got to close early after an exhausting day. I then met up with some friends of mine and had christmas with their family and we played cards for quite awhile. It was like Christma...