Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The past and feelings

The other weekend when my parents were in town my mother told me that my ex-girlfriend had a baby and was having it baptized at our church. She was pretty taken back when I told her how awesome I thought that was. I'm not sure if she thought I would be sad or a little angry or even the slightest bit upset, but I totally wasn't.

I wanted to tell my mother that I was happy for her because I know she always wanted a child of her own and was worried that she was going to be to old to ever have one. I wanted to tell her I was happy for her because I never could have given her anything she wanted for 2 very basic reasons. 1. I was gay and had no interest in dragging her into a life of confusion, it wouldn't be fair to her. and 2. We never would have worked anyway, we made some o.k friends but she just would have never made a good wife for me, we wanted different things and had totally different views on relationships. I had to do what I did to break up with her because any other way wouldn't have worked. The only way she could have moved on was to hate me, I knew that and that's why it went down so badly, she needed to hate me to get the motivation to move on. I always thought that someday I would tell her the truth about me, but the more I think about it the more I realize it's best I'm not a part of her life in any form. Someday when I'm out, I'm sure news will travel, but until then it's best to stay out of it.

I think sometimes that things would be so much easier to explain once I am out of the closet. I'm sure there will be so many other things to talk about, but when it happens I think my family might understand me and my past choices a little better, in time. But then again I could be completely wrong.

I'm glad things happened the way they did, both of my exes were/are wonderful people and I would have never forgiven myself if I had pulled them into the illusion and gave them false hope for a future only to destroy them later on in life, it was so much better to cut the ties when they were short and let them go and live the life they deserve, and at the same time allowing me the freedom to be who I am and not live in the illusion either.

I wish G and her husband, their new baby and her nephew M who she's raising all the happiness and joy the world can give and show them.

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