Freedom comes from Confinement

July 2008 The bad economy has been making itself evident in sales. Things are tight and the building is having issues. We are working on having the roof repaired this fall, it's expensive, but will allow me to finish the projects inside, and hopefully transform the space finally. We are down to some major projects, but we are having to take them one by one until the roof is fixed and I find more money. The most recent addition to the store, well at least part of the store for now is Central Air!!! After this next week we will be cooling the store finally after about 100 years, it will be nice and I think the customers will appreciate it, if not, at least I know I will be! ;) We are still working towards a big open house this winter, but it will depend on what we can get finished in the store. We are hoping to rejuvinate it before christmas, it would be a nice change. There are big plans, but unless we find more customers I'm not sure how much we'll get done. So come on in a...

So I've been a very grumpy person the last week or so, and I'm starting to wonder: Is the frame of mind, just that? A frame of mind? Is it possible to completely reverse your mood without the addition of alcohol or medicine? I've come to grips with my anxiety disorder, that it truly is a chemical thing, but the depression I've been suffering as of late, is that just me not allowing myself to get out of it? Do I find it easier to just wallow in it instead of fighting it and burying it deep inside? I just don't know. I meet happy and cheery people throughout the day and I wonder, are they like that all the time? If there life is falling apart at the seems, do they react? Or do they bury it to deal with when they are alone? I find it hard to do that. I pretty much will wear most of my heart on my sleeve, when I'm sad you can tell, when I'm happy you can tell, and so on and so forth. I try to not bottle too much in because I did that for so many years I foun...

So I think my brother knows. I think he figured it out. It's a long drawn out story dealing with download managers and other computer functions (not porn you pervs), but the bottom line is, I couldn't deny it if he confronted me. He just kind of came upon it by accident, didn't say a word, just closed it and changed the subject from computers to something stupid. I'm not sure how he's dealing with it, or if he's still in denial. I'm so not ready for this. I'll let him come to me.

I'll be borrowing the format from Bethany's blog for this entry as it's the best way to get this point across. Dear Mr. Mustache, It is unnecesary to call me brother or man, or dude when speaking to me. Your dark sunglasses worn inside the building only frame your GIANT mustache and make me laugh even harder on the inside. The fact that you never once use the words please and thank you make me sad and angry all at the same time. The fact that you pulled up doing a smooth 45 mph cutting off two cars to take up three parking spots in my parking lot was not a good way to set our meeting off to a good start. I have met your kind before, the "I have four dollars to my name, but I want to sample everything you have in your deli so I don't have to make supper tonight" people. I have met you before and done battle with you before. If you want more than a sliver of a taste, you should pay for it. Those retro sunglasses you seem so fond of must have cost at least $3...

I just thought I should clarify that I don't really need a church body to accept me for who I am, but rather just not condemn me for who I am. I respect people that don't understand but don't condemn because they aren't for sure, I have problems with people that don't understand and refuse to even think it might be o.k in the end. I hope I didn't offend anyone with the statements in the last blog about searching for a church family. that is all.

So I went to a church out of town today. I have been to this church once before and enjoyed it and this time was a little more comfortable for me, but there was still a distance I kept, and it bothered me. These are wonderful and loving people and they are down to earth and just generally happy people to meet you! I couldn't understand this cynical part of me that was keeping me at a distance from embracing these people more, it wasn't until I was thinking it through on my long drive home this evening that it dawned on me. I listen to these people talk about their young families, they are all so young and have very young and growing families, which didn't bother me. What bothered me was the thought I have in many churches I visit....."What would change once these people found out I was gay, would I be comfortable bringing a boyfriend there?" I find it so hard to get comfortable in a church until I know where they stand on homosexuality. I could not sit make a...

Oh I just had such a wonderful weekend!! Things finally fell into place early this past week that allowed me to go to Cinci. for the weekend, I never thought I'd make there after everything that has happened with my car and store, I just never thought I'd make it down there, but I did. Things just fell into place so I knew it was meant to happen. The help came through (and did an awesome job I might add....10 hours and only two phone calls, how great!) and my car, people were worried, but it got over 30 mpg, so one tank of gas got me down there, back and will be enough to get back an forth to Wendy's this week, which is good because it cost me a fortune to fill up! Friday Bethany and I caught up, caused some rumors in her complex because we were out at her car blowing up an air matress ontop of the car! It was hilarious as always. But we caught up and chilled for a bit, she was exhausted, she's had a VERY long couple of weeks, so then she crashed and I drifted off to...

So here's just a run down of things of lately, because there is just too much. I signed my contract with AFLAC yesterday to be an independent agent of their products, by Monday all the paperwork will be complete and I can start making money. Yeah! The truck I went and looked at a P.O.S., I was very disappointed, and pissed when I realized my car was dead. My car needed a new battery, a new alternator, and as of yesterday new brakes for the back. I'm sunk WAY too much money into this things lately, and the transmission is still broke. ARG. I continue my search for the right inexpensive truck. I've been rather grouchy lately, well lets face it, I've been a prick to a ton of people lately, so I haven't blogged, I didn't think everyone needed to see that side of me, although the closer you get the more likely that is to happen. But good things are coming, I'm starting to feel it, maybe not always with the business, but me. This weekend everything FINALLY fel...

I haven't blogged in a bit because last week was just a roller coaster of emotion, I really should be medicated I think. I couldn't bring myself to blog because it was nothing but negative, I was surrounded all week by negative energy, and I'm starting to feel like I've gotten the shell cracked and am hopefully going to break through it and get through it. A topic was sparked in my brain because of the blog I read on Picture Perfect, sometime I'll have to link to all these blogs I read, I always find them interesting. But the poster was talking about his most recent coming out, to a cousin of his. It's not the story, or coming out that triggered any of it, but it was his discussion about how he didn't feel any better afterwards. There were also a couple of comments people left that stuck in my mind. I guess I hope I never experience that. The people that I've come out to have handled it well and the experience has been a weight lifted off my shoulde...