When is it o.k to throw in the towel?
When is o.k to know you've had enough?
When is o.k. to move on and not feel like a failure?
When is o.k. to move on unsure of the future, but hopeful again?
I ask these questions because today was one of those days I ask myself these questions. One of the days when I end up banging my head against the wall wondering why I'm doing this? Who am I doing this for and why I thought this was a good idea?
I've been contemplating calling it quits, just admitting defeat and moving on with my life. Just admit failure and move forward with what I can while I can.
I've spent nearly three years praying for signs, praying for advice and praying for guidance, has it been there the whole time and I just didn't pay enough attention? Or am I reading too much into things?
When I decided to go after the dream of owning my own business, to work for myself, I did my research, I listened to advice, it takes a good three years before you'll see signs of survival. Well as I close in on three years there is nothing there, signs of future problems and a continuation of the struggles from the last three years. Signs of constant problems, constant issues and constant pain. When is it that it's o.k to give it up? Will I feel like a failure if I do? Will I disappoint those that love me if I just finally concede to these feelings?
And the question I've come up with as of late....What happens to the life I've created? What happens to the people I've met? What happens to the feelings I've discovered? What happens to the life I enjoy? Will it follow me to the next venture? Will the things I've learned help me to pave the future? Will I be happy? Will I just be throwing away a dream? I'm so unsure of myself, so unsure of the future. The minute I get an idea in my head I bash it with passion, I put up road blocks, is this on purpose or are they road blocks I'm finally seeing? What if the road is a dead end?
I'm just not sure where to turn, where to run or where to hide at this point. I know that my family will support me no matter which way I turn, but will they be disappointed? Would they tell me if they were? Would I regret running later on?
Each day is another adventure. I think about the pros and cons of this life everyday, and come to no conclusion when I'm done thinking. Why am I here? What was the purpose of this? I have met people that will affect me for the rest of my life and I would hate to lose them, but where do I draw the line between them and me? Where does my living life for them and living life for me start and end? Where will I go, what will I do? Why didn't this work out? Will it work out?
I wonder, did I give it my all? Am I not yet done here? Is this really where I'm supposed to be? I think about so much and yet nothing at all.....and people wonder why I need medication! ;)
I spent hours tonight praying about what to do next, for some grand sign, like a red phone on my desk that will ring with the next direction, or answers to some of these questions, and yet nothing. Am I missing the signs? Am I missing the memo of what to do next? Or are my unanswered prayers an answer in themselves? Are they not being answered because there aren't answers yet? Should I be holding out and waiting some more?
I don't doubt God's existence. I don't doubt he's looking after me, but is my faith not strong enough? If I was a better christian would I hear the answers? Would I see the magical finger pointing me in the direction I should be going?
I really don't think I've asked this many questions in one blog before, but this is what is happening in my mind today. I spend hours considering my options and when a good one comes along the doubts and other factors come rushing into my head at the same time, and I find myself shutting down, or reaching for alcohol to make the thoughts just go away. I tried that tonight, but knew very early on it was not the escape I need, not the answer I'm looking for. I didn't stop partaking in adult beverages, but I reminded myself that no matter how drunk I got I wouldn't be better in the morning, so I took it easy, I relaxed and lived in the moment and didn't get smashed, I'm not plowed, I'm good. I'm learning. I'm growing.
But is this where I'm supposed to grow? I wish I could remember the day I decided to leave Michigan, to start over again and build a new life. I wish I could remember what was the driving decision to bring me to this point. I know that it was right, that I needed to do this to get over the past, but was this all this was?
I've gone bankrupt for this dream, it's dragged me down so far into physical and mental exhaustion that I'm never sure I'll recover. When do I say I'm done and not feel like I've failed myself, like I'm not just running when the going gets tough.
I look back over the past and realize that it always seems to be the three year mark when I get restless, I get tired, and I get fed up. Is this just me running again? Has it ever been running?
A blog of questions....how thrilling right?