So today I had the thrill of passing my state license exam for insurance sales, life, health, annuities and Medicare supplements. I'm kind of excited, and yet I'm still nervous, I'm just hoping I can make some money on this deal, it would be nice to quit Wendy's and really enjoy life again.
So what's with the title you ask? Here's the deal. I finally have some really great friends, I'm having some really great times and enjoying myself after work, it's nice, it's what I've been looking for...so far so good right? Well today as I chucked my stack of mail onto the counter and looked through it, I suddenly realized that I'm so done with this. I'm done fighting every day, I'm done worrying about the same old crap everyday. I hate to get the mail and cringe because the Ohio Department of Taxation has sent me another statement of some sort, I'm tired of calling and fighting with the Bureau of Workman's comp about employees I let go of nearly two years ago. I just can't take this anymore. I hate no knowing if I can afford the unlock the doors everyday, I hate that I have part of my parents retirement fund tied up in this money pit, I hate that my mother lays awake at night worried about me, I hate that I'm starting to not sleep well either.
I'm just done, I can't fight it anymore. Everywhere I go for answers say the same thing, spend spend spend. "You have to spend money in order to make money" How is this possible when there is no more money left? Where does it come from? I could ask the bank for more money, but then I have another payment, and if I'm already having problems making the payments on what I have, is it wise to borrow more? I see my extended family and am saddened because most of them don't even support me, my friend's who were "so close" to me, don't even come here for anything. I'm just disappointed, I'm sad and frustrated.
I've been battling with this situation for sometime now, what do I do? Where will I go? I'd like to find an architecture job in the area (not immediate area) and just sell the business and keep the building. I have a house and income if I were to rent it all out. I also think it would be easier to sell the business without the property, but I'm never sure. So today I was looking around for jobs, and you know what? There are non. What will I do if I sell the building AND the business. I know I could move back to my parents temporarily while I figure out where to go next, but that wouldn't last very long. I have a feeling we would ware on each other's nerves WAY to quickly. I'm not opposed to moving, but I figured out I LOVE the country side, where ever I end up I want it to be out in the open, out in a field, somewhere that I can see the sky, I want it peaceful at night, I want it to be still at night. I want to wake up and look out my kitchen window and think, "living here I'm the luckies son of a gun out there"
3 years of constant struggle, 3 years of being broker than I ever could have imagined possible, 3 years of screaming obnoxious children, 3 years of mouthy punks, 3 years of no sleep, 3 years getting a building back up to standards. I just think I'm too tired to continue, I think it's run it's course. There really is great potential here, but I don't have the capital to finish building it, to do the advertising and the time to get the things done to make it more successful.
It could be just because I haven't left here for more than a few hours at a time in almost four months!I think I found the point where it's o.k to throw in the towel. I couldn't believe it, but 3 carryouts in the area have sold in the last year, some really pricey with gas pumps and others not so much. But am I strong enough to get through and hold on until the sale? I have to sit down this weekend sometime and calculate exactly what I need out of this place to pay off the bills, I'll start with that.
I think the next step is just to call a commercial real estate agent I'm comfortable with and start looking at the possibilities. I'm also planning on leaving town a few different weekends in the next month or so to find my head again and think it over clearly away from here and see what I come up with. Who knows, it may be the two zanes I took today, or the lack of sleep over the last 3 years talking, I just have to figure out a way to get through it all. It just seems like at every turn someone is punching me and forcing me back and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to take it anymore. This town is something else, that's all I can say.
There are some customers that would really be upset, and I will miss them terribly, and I hate to blame it on them, they support me, some support me every day, some once a week, etc... But some just drive by over and over and over again and just think..."oh it's so nice that the little store is still open" and yet have never stepped inside, have never supported me in anyway, and those are the people that will not understand when the doors close.
How can a convenience store make it on this little? It can't. This place is bleeding me dry so fast I'm not sure I can take it! I've already filed bankruptsy once for this place, if I do it again in 5 years I'll let them take everything, I won't fight it again.
On a happier note while my car is quickly dying on me, I may have found a small truck with a good price, I need to check it out a little more but I could sell my car for enough to pay cash for this thing, which would be nice. :) I could finally have the truck I've always wanted and something I can drive without getting terribly nervous. Even trips to Toledo are getting dangerous in my car, it's just time to let it go. Maybe it's just time to let it all go and start over again. I've done it once, I can do it again.
Sorry this has a depressing side to it, I wanted to type a happy blog about passing the exam, even though I was 98% sure I was going to have to schedule a retake of the exam, it's one of the hardest things I've ever come across. No matter how hard I studied, the questions were like non I had ever seen before, but I guess I don't give myself enough credit, because why? Oh yeah, BECAUSE I PASSED!!!! Oh yeah, Bowchickawowow!! Woot! It is an accomplishment, no matter what I may say. ;)
Well I'm just getting too tired to keep typing, so I'll stop it here.
Thanks for all the support while I've been going through the licensing exam!!! You guys are the best!!!