Saturday, June 21, 2008

It's been awhile.

Oh there have been so many things I've wanted to say, so many things I've wanted to blog, but I doubt I'll remember them all.

I found a new blog I've been enjoying lately called Picture Perfect. I was attracted to this blog because he's a closeted gay man trying to find his way out of the closet....hmmmm....sounds familiar. The blog is great and wonderful and all that jazz and I enjoy reading it, but when I started to stalk his favorite blogs he has listed I was reminded of one thing. The vanity and superficial side of the gay life.

I am in shock just how many of these guys are so judgemental towards people that don't look like they belong in a magazine. It's no wonder the gay world is so messed up. I have had body issues my whole life and the idea of meeting more gay people just freaks me out now. It seems the whole world judeges you the minute they meet you based on the size of the person, or how they dress etc... I know it's a fact of life, but it just gets worse. Where are the guys like me? The guys who find comfortable hot? As much as I admire a fit athletic man, or a swimmers build body, I don't judge based on that. I do stare don't get me wrong, but what's hotter is a man with meat on his bones. Some of the hottest men I've met have issues with their body, society tells them they are fat and they believe it. I just laugh, I call them medium sized hotties. There is skinny and built, and there are the medium sized guys and then there is me. I would love to be filled with confidence walking into a room with a tight body, but I know realistically I'll never get there.

I would however like to be one of these medium sized hotties, someday. But once you get past the looks no matter what you look for, it's what's inside that counts, and how do you get through the judgement to really find out who's inside? How do I get people to see past this exterior and see me for who I am? I'm just not sure. But the vanity is just unreal in that world. Someone who is fat is not always lazy, Someone who is fat does not always have food by their side. There are many of us out there that just have slow metabalisms and weight issues. I can not eat a double cheese burger, I can never finish it. I can not clear a buffet, I get full to quickly. Then why is I look like this? Yeah, I don't know either. I'm fit under this fat, I weigh so much because there is a lot of muscle underneath, I just wish someone would see that or I could find the motivation and the way to lose the fat and show the world!

But oh well, gay men will always be into looks, it's just the way it is. I just wished they knew what a turn off that was.

Lets see what else? O.K. so lately I've been swimming a lot late at night, I find it peaceful. The three of you (I think three) that know me and read this have read me write about this before, but what I didn't mention on the "public" blog is that I finally have been able to skinny dip. It sounds so bad and so weird and those that know me probably don't ever want to picture it, but it's not for a sense of sensuality, it's just an amazing feeling. Since as long as I can remember I've swam with a shirt on, protecting people from the amounts of blubber on this body, protecting their vision of me, and I'm used to it and all, but really, it's not all that comfortable. Finally being secluded into the country side allows me to shed the shirt and swim, it feels wonderful. There is something about being so exposed in nature that is humbling. Nothing to hide under, nothing to cover up with, being exposed for who you are.

I feel like that in life a lot, I find all sorts of things to hide under and keep myself from being exposed. To keep people from seeing me, just me. I know I do that for a ton of reasons, more than I could list on this site, but lately it's been liberating to shed some of this and let people see. I'm not saying I'm going streaking with my friends by any means! But to finally expose some of what's underneath, to allow people to see in, without protection, without a cover, it's been liberating. I find it hard from time to time to not talk about certain things with the people around here that I can talk about with some of the few people that know I'm gay. I find it frustrating all over again, and just when I think I've had enough of the hiding, something always comes to mind, a situation I can forsee, or a reaction I could imagine happening, and I get scared and run back into the closet.

The last month or so I've been partying a bit with a drag queen, he would hate it if he knew I was labeling him as that instead of "Diva". LOL. He's so much fun and has so much confidence. When S introduced us I was just flabergasted that in the small tiny judgemental redneck city we were in he could be out, open and confident. I'm always drawn to self confidence, it's just a thing with me. He's a ton of fun, but for the longest time I didn't even think he enjoyed my company, it wasn't until recently when he told J he was upset I wouldn't be joining them to see his show that I realized that he did care. Not like that, because he's very superficial when it comes to his men, but as a friend. I suffer from such low self esteem issues I can't even see when people befriend me, I find it sad really.

I really did want to go to his show, partly to see him all dressed up and performing because he's a freakin riot, but also because they were going to the "big" city an hour from here to a real gay bar and I thought it would be so much fun to go to one finally. But sadly his show was on the night I had family obligations I could never back out of. Turns out it was a pretty crummy night, but someday I'm gonna go. From what I've seen online it looks like the place is filled with every walk of life and I miss that. As much as these farm boys can be fun to look at, they get boring with their talk of tractors and crops and such. lol.

What I find so fascinating through this whole discovery is finally getting S to open up about the life he keeps so quiet and inside. I've spent the last four years trying to get him to open up and talk about it with someone, to let someone else in that isn't going to judge him and support him even if he doesn't understand it. I love the guy, not like that, but like a best friend or a brother. He's been struggling with his sexuality for as long as I have I think and we never talked about it unless we were drunk and he would begin telling me tales of his weekends when he would disappear. I just dig deeper trying to understand him more, I'm the only one that doesn't look shocked or treat him like he should be ashamed, I treat it like a couple of straight boys would treat a girl situation, and I think it's helping him. He's talking more and more about stuff, even when we're sober. I think it helps I don't make obvious comments about that part of his life in front of people he wouldn't want to know, unlike some of the other people we know.

What he said to me the other day I want to find out more about, but will have to wait for the right time.... "I could never be in a relationship with another man, but a boy's got to have his fun" I find that so strange. I wonder if it really is that, or that he could never publicly share a relationship with another man because of his upbringing and what he thinks his family would think. I mean he did live with another man for a few months, that was a few years ago, but he did. I'm not sure if it's because of the outcome of the last two relationships he's had which both have ended badly, or if he really doesn't see it. I know the first one ended because R wanted a relationship but S wanted it to stay quiet. It was an interesting time for all of us in the know.

I see myself in a relationship with a man, it seems more of a comfortable thought for me, the trick is finding the right one.

Oh what else......I have been having a very interesting conversation with G regarding penisology and telling her things that she's finding very interesting. It's just such a different conversation than I've ever had before, but I think it's things that women should know, and she's taking it all in. We have each started conversations just beyond our realm of comfort, but it always turns out educational and creates another layer of comfort in our friendship, another layer of comfort when it comes to discussing things we might not have ever talked about before, it's good, and ALWAYS humorous. :) Hey G, wanna ball park? LOL!!!!

Well there were a couple of other things to add, but after I typed them they didn't seem to say much, so I deleted them. I think this is all for today.

I'll get back to blogging more soon.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I'm a little behind in reading this blog. Oops...

    I love that you finally have been able to skinny dip... however, I must say when you're not skinny it's called "chunky dunk" :-) heehee!

    "It's not summer 'til you've had your Ball Park!"