Freedom comes from Confinement

Yes, I actually know this man's name but I choose not to use it, I'd hate for his kids to find him in a google search! But this customer is different. D. is a very funny old man. He took me by surprise when I first met him because he's very loud and boisterous. He comes off harsh and crass but he's a good person. He developed quite a relationship with my sister when she was working quite a bit, and still refers to her as his girlfriend. D lives a few towns away, in a very small farming community, he and his wife (who I have yet to meet) take care of an elderly woman, even more elderly then they themselves, named Gertie. Gertie loves my macaroni salad and anytime D is near town he must pick her up a pound. She gets one pound at a time and it must be wrapped in a paper bag or it will lose temperature. lol. D used to love the donuts I had here in the store, he would buy up everything I had in the case when they would come to town, but even after I stopped carrying th...

So yes, I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders this week. While it had a crazy beginning it is having a calming end. I have spoken to my internet date several times on the phone and while he was interesting in a way, I knew that it would never work out. I have led him on for a week now telling him what he wanted to hear just so I could get him into bed. I finally wised up and ended it before it began, I want a masculine man, I'm not a fem nor will I ever be, nor do I want to date a fem. I want a man because he's a man. If I wanted a drama filled relationship filled with fabulous and all the other stereotypes I'd be with women, but I don't want that. The main reason I feel so good today is I finally said it out loud. I told my best friend that I was gay. It felt so good. His responce was simple, he already knew. Scarry part is that I knew he had me figured out for years, but never pressured me to say it, never hinted that he knew, ...

I'm so angry right now with things happening elsewhere in my life, I want someone to rip my clothes off and have wild angry hot sex right now. Seriously, right now. I have a feeling I may have already screwed up with a relationship before it even started. How do i do these things? Damn it, I pray this day just stops and doesn't get any worse. Seriously, angry, angry sex, pounding, grunting, scratching, nail biting angry sex.

There are the good customers and there are customers like L. He's a customer you pray for an interuption while talking to. Today I was praying for a phone call, or another customer, or a nuclear Haulicaust, anything to get him to stop talking to me. He's the son of one of my favorite customers, he's in his 40's I think, at least he looks that old. He has gotten through life living off of other people. He had a good job for a short while but did something stupid and screwed up his neck and back. I personally think it was to claim workman's comp. or something else, I've seen it before. So anyway, he's had two marriages both have failed (because the women he married, yeah, wow) which I don't hold against people, but it's obvious why his have. He had a house in Defiance that he lost to bankruptsy as well as turning over everything else he had. He moved in with his mother and grandmother down the street and just went on bleeding them dry. They gave him ev...

Yes, I contacted the guy from the dating website. He seems like a really nice guy. So far he seems pretty pleased with me as well. I can't help but get my hopes up about the whole thing, I imagine him when I'm alone. When I'm laying in bed clutching my pillow I pretend it's him. It's way too much thinking at this point, I mean we haven't even met. But we seem alike in a lot of ways. I'm not sure when I will meet him, and I'm already worried about it. What if he doesn't like me? What if my size scares him off after he sees me first hand? What if he's a flammer? What if I don't want to be with a flammer? How will I know? I just have to jump into this and stop being the scared teenager and be the thrity something man I am. It's not like we would run into eachother all the time if it didn't work out. I just have so many questions, and he only checks his email twice a week, I'm curious about that too. I start to feel as if he...

Well after an incredibly real dream where I enjoyed the company of another man, and it felt soooooo real, I've decided it's time for the next step. I was contacted by an online dating service of sorts. I've belonged to many of them and have never responded to anything sent to me, I have just been too scared or nervous or whatever. But this last message has gotten to me, I decided it was time. He asked me to contact him on a different account so I did and told him the ball was in his court, he could ask whatever it was he wanted to know. I have no idea what will come of this, maybe nothing, but maybe a friend? Maybe a friend with benefits? Who knows, maybe even a relationship. But I'm not getting my hopes up about anything. It will be interesting, I just have to keep pushing myself to move forward, I'm tired of being scared and alone. Even if this isn't anything at least I'm opening myself up again. I want to feel love again, I want to let someone else...

I love this life because of the regulars I meet. Where else besides a small town store can you know so much about a person and not be family? This customer looks like an Elmer so that's what I'll call him. This man is the nicest fellow. A retired farmer and a retired factory worker he and his wife have thier routines. Every thursday is there day out on the town. They start by taking his wife to the next town over to get her hair done. This is where she has been getting her hair done for the last 12 years, he likes it there and everyone knows her and she knows everyone. It's her chance to catch up on the "old lady news" he calls it. While she is getting her hair done, he wanders over to the local watering hole and sits and discusses life's problems with the local retired farmers over 3 cups of coffee. Any more than that and he gets nervous. Sometimes they are out of coffee or didn't make any that day, so he'll get a couple of diet caffine free pep...