Wednesday, September 26, 2007

nervous

Well I joined a chubby online dating thing, and I just got my first message. It's from someone that is not that far away, and it's got me thinking. I've gotten messages before but I've always declined because I was sure they didn't know how big I was, or I wasn't ready, or something was wrong with them. But I'm to the point now that I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of putting it off. Maybe it's time to make sure this is who I am.

So I'm thinking about sending this guy a message, it's time to just do it right? At least meet with the guy get to know him and see what happens. It's not like I'd be meeting him in town in my tiny town where everyone would find out, I'd meet him in the Big town near here where no one watches, and no one cares. Just the thought gets me going, it really gets to me in the pit of my stomach. A feeling of excitment, the thrill, I'm going to have to do it.

I've always thought that I'm not the type of person that would jump into bed with someone else without a relationship, but I'm no longer that sure. I've been so alone for so long, it's coming down to that, just sex. Is that so wrong? I'm battle everyday with myself over what's in my head and what's in my heart. I was raised to believe one thing but my mind and partly my heart believe another thing. There is a balance somewhere, but how do I find it? My religious beliefs have been in such turmoil I'm not sure what to believe or what to think anymore.

Where will I find answers? Who do I believe? No one can answer except for God himself, and I don't see him faxing over the answers, so all I can do is the best I can.

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