Freedom comes from Confinement

It is not necessary to visit me in my dreams to tell me you want me to go to Thanksgiving, you do this every year, but this year I'm fighting you. That daughter of yours seems to love to make me feel like a failure and this year grandma, I don't need that because I already feel like a complete and utter failure. I already believe that as a professional I've failed and those people that say I'm family (once a year) just thrive on helping me feel that even more. I don't need that this year and I'm sorry if you think I need to be there. I think of you often and if you were there I wouldn't fight it because you were the only reason I went for the last 10 years of your life. I know they're family, but I have to draw a line this year. Perhaps next year if I'm in a better place I will reconsider your plea, but this year I have to say no. Those people do not treat me like family and will not miss me one bit, they haven't missed my siblings in the las...

I had planned on watching a different movie, but this just came on Bravo and I'm not sure I can turn it off, but it will make me cry, it always does. But how can I turn the t.v. off from this? It's no wonder Eniss fell for the guy, just look at those eyes and his smile!!! I fall for him every time I see him! We'll see what wins out tonight, my other movie or my love for Jake Gyllenhaal. lol. I know I'm due for an update, and I'll get there.....sometime.

I'm not sure what's been happening to my mind recently, I find myself working on myself, but at the same time withdrawing from life which is funny because I've been just so busy running from one thing to another. The last week or so I feel like I've been floating out of my body just watching life happen and watching myself interact and attend things and work. I feel like I'm not taking a part in anything and I'm not sure how to explain it. I just don't feel right in the head. I've been working so hard on my relationship with God, and yet I'm pulling away at the same time. I shrug at the idea of church and I become so sceptical when people start talking religion. I listen to a few, but for the most part I find the cynical side of me taking over and I keep fighting it. What's happening to me? I'm not finding what I want out of the usual things I used to do to pass time, I'm not finding that much fun in things I used to love. I avoid ...

I spend a lot of time wishing I could just slow down and spend some time alone relaxing and catching up on me time, or cleaning my house, or catching up on some t.v. show. But when I find myself with the time I've been longing for, I feel like I'm not exciting enough and wish I could get out more. I don't even know what I want. I just need some time out of this body, or at least out of this mind of mine.

So I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, I really am, but lets face it, most of you have been kept up to date on the goings on from my facebook page, so I don't feel real awful. lol. First things first, my truck done blew up. It was just short of catching fire and just exploding. It is currently in pieces at my brothers house waiting for the trailer to take it to it's final resting place. Yes it could be cheaper to put a new engine in it, but the body is so rusted we're not sure it's strong enough to hold a new engine. It's bad, it's the first time in 16 years I've been without a vehicle of my own. I thank God that I have the family I have because for the first two weeks my parents made sure I got where I needed to go and things still got done, and now my uncle has loaned me his truck to get me through at least the winter. It's a company truck and he doesn't use it much during the winter so he's loaned it too me to get me through thi...

I know it's stupid, it's irrational and completely irrational......but I miss him. I never really knew the impact he would have on me, I thought it was just another straight crush, and like the rest of them it would come and it would go and I'd move on. But I still miss him. I don't know what it was about him exactly, and I don't know what brings on these moods. Could be the feeling of being alone, or could be longing for something I know I can't have. I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year, haven't seen him in that long either, but something about him, something inside of him maybe, I miss so much. It's not crying myself to sleep at night kind of missing, it's not a "I can't live without him" missing, I just miss seeing him, I miss talking to him, and I miss listening to him. I hope wherever he ended up, that he's happy and following his own dreams, because that's the only way I can accept his absence.

Everyone is raised differently. Different values, different ideas and different styles of friendship. This is something that no matter how old I get, I have a hard time grasping or understanding. Today on my day off I got asked to help E cut up meat at his house because he was butchering a hog and making bratwurst. He said it would take 3-4 hours, we'd just cut it up, grind it and then he and my brother would stuff of the casings on Sunday. E has always helped me when I need help so I was more than happy to help him. Honestly I would have helped him even if he hadn't ever helped me. So as we were working he changed the plan and we started doing all parts of the project, turning a 3-4 hour job into an all day and possibly all night affair. I had made plans with S long before this came about and S and I were heading out of town around 3:30, and E knew this. I stayed until 5 o'clock when S was calling really getting irritated because we were now over an hour behind schedu...