Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Well that's how that goes.

Well the previous posts you may have seen in your reader were mobile posts that obviously didn't work. It was worth a shot at least, but at least now I know, mobile posting doesn't work. I did find under the settings tab though I could maximize layout settings for mobile users, which I did, and totally make the blog so much easier to read and manuver around in from my phone. At least one good thing came out of that. lol.

Todays post begins with a story.

I was around the age of 6, give or take a year and my birthday was coming up. I begged and begged my parents for a party at McDonalds, it was the in thing to do. We rarely had extra money for things like that but for some reason that year my parents caved, as long as I understood that the party was going to have to be my present that year. The other catch was I could only invite 7 other kids. I was so super excited and knew right away what 7 I would invite, they were my friends in school. You know back then when friendships were so easily defined. (epic eye roll here). So anyway it took some convincing (adult sign number 1) but got the kids I wanted to go to get to go.

The day of the party I was so excited we got to McDonald's and the kid's parents started to drop off their kids and then we would take them home afterwards. I thought the party was great, we laughed, we had happy meals and we laughed some more. What I didn't realize at the time was how many jokes were at my expense, I just assumed that's the way things were, but like I said I didn't realize it at the time. After the party when my parents were reaching their peak stress level they loaded everyone up in the back of our family station wagon. One of those really cool brown ones with the wood like paneling on the side and the third seat that faced backwards in the way back, it was awesome.

So anyway we head out heading out to the first of the kid's houses to drop them off and we were in the back carrying on like usual, except the comments started to sting. It continued to build after the first couple of kids were dropped off and I stopped laughing so much. I was a little bigger than most of the kids, not fat at all at the time, just not incredibly skinny and I can still remember some of the comments that finally led to my dad losing it on these kids. My father had a temper, but this was so not like the other times. The car fell silent, he really let into these kids. We finally got everyone home and out of our car and I remained silent the rest of they way home.

Not much was ever said about that party after that, but I never asked to have another birthday party, and my parents never offered. We had our usually family birthday parties that I enjoyed much more, but never again did I have a party with my class mates. To be honest I didn't even have sleep overs with anyone from school until I was in the fifth grade. Something happened that day that I didn't realize until years later when I had to question myself on why I carried so much hatred in my heart for certain kids in school. It took me nearly 15 years to sort through that and let go of the anger. After that I hadn't thought of it again until I read Bethany's comment on my last post.

I really hadn't thought of it quite like that until I read the comment about how I don't believe anyone could enjoy being in any kind of relationship with me, but it's so true. I've always considered myself as a throw away friend. I'm there for the time someone needs me and then I get thrown away. The more I thought about it the more I looked back deep into my past and realized I never stopped. I look at how my definition of friendship has changed over 34 years and I get so angry it took me so long, and still yet today there are times I just wait to be discarded.

I always thought I had friends growing up and while maybe one or two people somehow managed to make an impact on my life in one way or another and life separated us, for the most part it has always been a disfunctional, one sided feeling, this whole thing of "friendship". Some how throughout the years I kept trusting though, over and over and over again and eventually for one reason or another I would be betrayed, or dropped suddenly. I don't have many people still in my life in any way from that time period, I have a few that I run into once every 5 or so years, but really my cousins are the only ones that are still around.

I look at some of my best friends in some of those times and each one has destroyed me at least once in our time together. I do realize that there were "kid" issues many of the times, but some of these people hurt me, and some how the people that hurt me the most are some of the people I still have in some capacity as part of my life. They are also the people that I don't talk to much and such and maybe that's why.

Is it that I couldn't and sometimes still can't let go? How is it that all these years I've followed the same pattern, and now that I'm forming healthy friendships as an adult, I still have these thoughts in my head. How is it that a kid that grew up in such a loving home with such a wonderful family, both imediate and extended, could possibly have so many problems developing adult friendships? Why is it I can't see any value in what I bring to the table?

Even as I sit here typing I feel like people are always looking out for me or protecting me, is that what friends do or do they think I'm too weak? Is that such a bad thing? Some of my friends I have had now for up to 10-15 years and yet there is a part of me waiting to be discarded, or forgotten about. I constantly wonder why people stay friends with me for so long. I know I'm a good person, don't get me wrong, but I have a hard time putting a value to that when it comes to friendships and relationships. I constantly wonder why people miss me when I've been gone, or why someone would want to make an effort to come see me after I've moved away. While I truly enjoy the company and love spending time with these people, I sometimes wonder why they would go through the trouble?

In my head this whole blog post sounds like I'm asking for some kind of validation, or reassurance from the people that read this blog that I love so dearly, but I'm not. I do know there is some sort of value that I bring to the table in each of these relationships I just sometimes don't know what it is and it's really up to me to start understanding it and believing in it for myself. I really do have so many people that love me so much, I just hope that someday I can really love myself as much as others do.

Until then I sure appreciate having you guys along for the ride and walking with me on this whole damn self discovery journey thing I seem to have going on. It's exhausting. lol.

I promise I'm going to get to happier things, just have to finish unpacking some old dusty luggage and see what's been inside all this time and stop being such a hoarder.

1 comment:

  1. Quit promising to write about happy things. Write about what's on your heart. That's what we want to know about anyway, dude.

    You spend decades living under lies about your worth and value to others. You also spend that time in a small town with a big secret. You didn't have the same outlook/desires as others and you didn't know how to, so you tried to fit in as best as you could. Unfortunately when people contort themselves to fit in long enough they begin to blame themselves for not fitting when in fact it's the misshapen hole they're trying to squeeze into that's the problem (ok, I feel like that analogy got really dirty, really fast)

    But the point remains, habits aren't made overnight and they aren't broken that way either. You're already way healthier now then you were just under a year ago when you moved here. Rome wasn't built in a day and your mind won't be re-built in one either. Just keep plugging away and being aware of when relationship triggers happen, then call me so I can kick your ass into gear and remind you that you are perfectly loved just as you are with no conditions by more people then you think and a God that doesn't make mistakes and will redeeem every single thing you have been through and turn it to good.

    Bethany (AGAIN with the not being able to post from GOOGLE UGH!)