Thursday, June 23, 2011


Everyday I fight a battle within myself, one of many really, but that's another post. I fight this battle of these two lives I've been living for so many years trying to become one, but having no idea how to. It's getting better that's for sure, but there is still this line.

There is one side of me that was secret, only a few ever saw inside, the B-side to me if you will. It's the side that has a terribly crude sense of humor, my mind in the gutter all the time. It's a side that went out and tried to be social, it's the fun side. It's the side that wanted to go to the bar at 11 at night, the side that got my heart beating when we walked into the club on Tuesday nights and left our cares behind. It's a side that felt like life coursing through my veins as I danced (yes that's what I call it) to the beat, surrounded by people without a care in the world. The side that feels alive in a club, feeling the music filling my soul, the side that danced like no one was watching and was such a fun person. Not afraid to talk to people, not afraid of being out in public, not afraid of crowds, not afraid of anything. A side that felt like life.

Then there is the other side. The side that is constantly on the defense, the side that thinks reasonably and safely. The side that is dependable, caring and quiet, the one that is sheltered from pain, blocking new people from coming in. There is this side of me that likes to stay home because it's quiet, it's safe, it's familiar. This side that enjoys a movie and some popcorn on the couch and in bed by 11pm. The side that enjoys mowing the yard, working on the house, cooking meals, cleaning up and moving furniture. The side that would rather do nothing over doing something, the side that hates spontaneity because it can't be controlled or planned.

These two strangers not allowed to co exist because I wouldn't allow it, I didn't want it. I created these two sides of me and kept them separated as much as possible because they hate each other. One side says the other one is so boring and missing out on so much of life, and the other that says, what kind of life is that to miss out on? To be honest I'm not sure I ever wanted them to exist together because it felt like a recipe for disaster.

The battle is now, this person I'm becoming, this person I'm discovering and this person I'm turning into wants to have it all. This person needs to have both sides merge into one because that is who I am. It's these two sides that need to start working together to create this person I feel inside of me, the problems with each side have resolution within the other. They can balance each other, it can be done, but how? I'm discovering I like them both, I enjoy spending time with each one and would really like it if they could get along more and just become one because there is so much joy that could result. There is a life force within me just waiting for them to come to terms with a compromise on how to move forward, together.

I look forward to this day when two can become one, I feel it coming, inching closer every day as I have been unloading all this old baggage and making room. Maybe that's what's taking so long, I've been holding on to all this old dusty baggage, cluttering my heart and my soul not leaving room for them to be together in the same place. Perhaps as I stop hoarding all these things inside I can make room for these two entities to become one and for me to become that person I know I can be. I can feel it, and there is hope in that.

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