Sometimes

I sometimes find the hardest thing in life to do is admit a mistake and try and recover from it. Over the last few months I got a little crazy shopping thinking I had disposable income, which at the time I did, not realizing my car was about to explode. Then it did, and suddenly I freaked out. Ever since the store I panic about money, I didn't have two nickles to rub together for nearly 5 years and I swore I wouldn't get to that point again and so when I look at my checking account I have a minimum number in my head I like to see and in my head that number means 0. Now, at my first peak of financial success that was a 4 digit number and sometimes my mind still goes back to that and it makes looking at my check book very difficult.

Well long story short the other day I got a letter from a collection agency that threw my head spinning. Turns out it wasn't to that point yet and I just sat down and got everything caught up. It feels good but at the same time I feel so stupid, it's not that I wasn't making the money it's just I wasn't letting myself spend it on the things that needed to be paid first. They are all ridiculous amounts compared to what they used to be, but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to pay them, I was afraid of my checking account falling below my minimum line, well the truth is, I've come to realize I need to adjust that amount in my head because I make enough to pay my bills but I need to lower that amount in my head for awhile until I can build it back up.

The harsh realization in my head is that while I finally have some good clothes, a great car, a great place to live, food in the cupboards (well sort of at the moment lol) these things cost money and it requires me paying bills. I just got a little laxed in that department, but it's time to tighten the belt on my spending and get a grip on reality, I mean it's only been what, 9 freaking months! lol.

I feel better now that everything is caught up, I'm making myself a promise to come up with a better system to handle these issues at the very beginning before they become issues. I thought I had this whole adult thing figured out, guess I still have some learning to do.