Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Dear Nay Sayers

Dear Nay Sayers,

I see you there, on the news quite often. Standing there with your picket signs telling me that "Fags are going to hell" and "God created Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve" I applaud you for your originality and your cute rhymes.

For so many years when I was growing up and even as an adult, I believed you. I believed that this feeling inside of me, these thoughts, this idea of who I was, was truly against God. How could it not? You've told me all the bible verses telling me so, you've told me the stories, you told me how AIDS was God's way of killing gay people off. You told me God hated gays, you told me that it was unnatural for people of the same sex to be together. You told me there was no room in heaven for homos, you told me that the choice of homosexuality was the work of Satan. How could so many people be wrong?

Large groups of people and organizations all fighting against gay marriage. Millions spent on "protecting the sanctity of marriage", millions of deaths in God's name trying to rid the world of these unnatural freaks, these sexual deviants, these perverts. How the homosexuals were recruiting and stealing our children and teaching them about gay sex. How homosexuals should not be left alone with children because their deviant minds would force them to do things to them, that the only safe place was church because there was no room in the house of the Lord for gay people.

You told me sex and marriage were about reproduction and since gay people can't reproduce they should have no rights to it. You told me about Sodom and Gomorrah, you told me about Leviticus, you have pounded that bible on my heart over and over and over again. You told me that gay people were different, they aren't like you and I, that these deviants were only out to destroy religion and families.

I listened to all this and it really sunk in, it was burned on my brain forever. What you taught me was that God was a loving God, unless you were a homo. You taught me that everyone was welcome to the house of God.......unless they are gay. You taught me to love the sinner and not the sin.

The sad part about your preaching of love for all.....except this list of people we made for God, is that it never really felt right. To listen to the preacher tell me to love thy neighbor, to treat others as I would want to be treated myself, all those good hearty messages I held so dear to my heart, it made your message feel like a contradiction to what was the root of the message. Sadly in my heart I knew I could never be close to religion, I could never be close to God, that God didn't really want me, because I knew in my heart that I was gay.

I spent years bargaining with God, begging God to take it away, to let me be straight, to let me be like everyone else. I wanted God to reach out to me, to love me the way he loved everybody else. I was tired of being on the wrong side of the looking glass. I tried, I tried to give up thoughts of other men, I tried dating women, I tried sleeping with women, I tried to be as butch and "manly" as I could. I hid my love of music, I hid anything in my life that might be interpreted as "gay". I hid myself because I knew if the truth were to come out, I'd be alone. I'd be separated from my God who I tried to believe loved everyone the same, but you kept telling me otherwise. How can I be wrong, I'm not a preacher!?!?

In the last several years I came to accept that I was indeed a homosexual, or a fag as you like to call me. I stopped listening to you pass your judgement on others and took it personal because it always was. You weren't telling me to love the sinner and not the sin, you were telling me I wasn't loved. You were telling me I wasn't worthy of God's love and I was to be cast out of the church because I was listening to the voice of Satan.

I used to sit in church and become so angry at all of you sitting around me. Listening to a sermon about loving one another and soon after talking about groups of people that weren't welcome with the Lord, a group of people that didn't fit in and had no place in the house of worship. You were talking about me. Me, one of the only kids that paid attention in Sunday School, one of the only kids to take church seriously, one of the only kids in my group to return to church after I was confirmed. You watched me grow in Christ, you watched me learn my place in the church, you were there to watch me every step of the way, and now because of something I am you would so willingly cast me aside? I couldn't take it anymore and I slowly withdrew from you. I stopped attending church, I stopping looking you in the eye, I stopped thinking you were family and eventually stopped going to church.

I let you drive me from my church home. I let you push me away from my God. I let you put so much stress into a loving relationship between me and Jesus. I let you make me think that I couldn't be loved.

Well here I am, 32 years old, here to tell you that finally my heart has been rattled. My brain has been released, my heart has been set free, and you should be scared.

I have met people that love me for who I am. I know there are churches out there that accept me for who I am, all of me, not just the bits and pieces that fit inside those narrow minded walls you are so fond of. There are people out there that accept me and reminded me that God's love is for everyone. I met people that think that even if it turns out that homosexuality is a sin, that God loves me anyway, God loves every bit of me, imperfect just like every other human on the planet. I've come to understand that you could never fully get it because you aren't gay. It's like trying to get a man to understand what being a woman is like and vise/versa, you just can't understand there is no choice, there is no decision, it's how God made me.

I've met gay couples that are more loving than those heterosexual couples you keep shoving in my face. I met gay people who seem to know more about Jesus' love than you could ever comprehend. I've met preachers who love unconditionally, I've met families who love their children gay or straight. I've met friends that reminded me that God's love is for me just as much as it is for you.

So you go ahead and make your signs, come up with your cute rhymes. Please continue to tell me how much God hates fags because you know what? I no longer listen. I no longer let you talk myself down, I no longer let you berate me with your hate slogans or your judgements. They are falling on deaf ears. I was reminded recently through acts of God that I am loved, that I AM worthy of Christ, and no matter who I love, no matter what you think, God is there for me and God loves me. Instead of replying to your hate, instead of fighting with you about who's right and who's wrong, I will pray. I will pray that you feel the love that I feel, I will pray that you will reach out to your neighbors who need help, I will pray that you will stop judging and see the good around you, and finally, I will pray for you to see God in the way I do, because you really can't understand what you're missing.

I'm behind, I know it.

All these posts from some of my favorite bloggers that have kept me company and have helped me so much spiritually lately and I realized I've been leaving my blog in the dust and not sharing nor letting people in.

It's a combination of time, moods and energy, but I'm getting there, I'll post a post that covers everything.....soon.


Today I'm having hard time controlling my emotions, I haven't been eating right the last couple of days and it's really affecting my mood, but I'm getting it straightened out. Right now I'm watching Rent performed live on Broadway (on DVD now obviously) and balling.

Music has a special hold on my heart and this musical holds so many emotions for me as it reminds me of so much from the time period I discovered it in and reminds me of what once was, who I was, and who I've become and it's a roller coaster, one I never know how to handle, but I still keep riding for the good and yes, even the bad.

And every time I'm left with this:

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today."
-Rent

Friday, December 11, 2009

changes

I've been on this crusade to get my house clean and presentable, all rooms at the same time and it's quite the challenge. I've been working on packing up non essential things and purging and organizing and it's been quite the challenge.

In my blood line I have my father's side who save EVERYTHING!!! You never know when you're going to need this 3" piece of string to I can't throw that bottle cap away because it was from the beer I shared with my cousin in the casino lounge on the day of his wedding to newspaper articles that my friends were mentioned in, nothing to do with me, but my friend's name was in the paper so I had to keep it.

Then there is my mother's side where nothing is sacred, it's just clutter. If it's more than 2 years old donate it or throw it away! You keep pictures and that's it, everything else is just messing me up and everything must go.

It's a constant battle between the two blood lines every time I move or clean or just try to organize things. I'm trying to think about where I would put it after I move, will I still think it's something worth decorating around when I eventually get my own house? I just drive myself crazy. While going through things and packing I came across a walk-man I got for my birthday when I was 13 or something and I was still holding on to it. I haven't used the thing in 15 years, but here I've moved it the last 5 times I've moved. I finally had enough and threw it away. There is a balance between holding onto memories and holding onto the past and I'm slowly starting to find it.

I'm still an unorganized mess, but it's slowly getting better, the problem with my house being messy is I've been putting off making these kinds of decisions and these internal battles, but there are days it becomes so clear and then the next day it's all clouded again. It's usually why on clear days I make sure I make the effort to take the things to the dumpster or donation site right away before I have a chance to change my mind.

Funny how I'm learning more about myself in this slow thought out move than in my usual quick pack it up, grab it and go moves. Some of these memories I don't want, somethings I've thrown away because they aren't happy memories, they are things that trigger my old self to start interacting with my new self and it's never a good sight, it's an internal battle that usually ends in tears because there is so much about my old self I don't like, things I've already worked through and things I've forgiven myself for and when I come across some of these items it's like a warp machine that takes me back to that time, to who I was, to the decisions I made, and the results of those decisions and I hate that.

2 1/2 rooms down and 3 1/2 more to go. I'll make it to the other side I know I will because I'm not that person anymore, I don't need this crap, I'm renewed and will be clutter free.......well almost. ;)

Friday, December 4, 2009

Life, it's so funny.

So I was supposed to be heading to the club tonight with some friends to dance it up all night, but I strained my back helping my brother yesterday and felt the last thing I was going to do was going to climb the 28 steps up to the club and mess up my back more by convulsing aka dancing lol. So I opted to stay home.

Instead I was planning on going to Free and Charro's and just relax for the evening. As luck would have it they were headed out of town for dinner and shopping and invited me along. I had such an awesome time. It's funny how I could have just as much fun with Free, Charro and beautiful Caryss as I do clubbing it up out and about with other friends. I just love it.

While clothes shopping for Caryss, the awesome 1 year old, my gay fashion side finally showed up as I was trying to help pick out her clothes. lol. I was trying to help dress her up like the diva she is. lol. But sadly we couldn't find just the right size in the faux patent leather coat with fur trim we found for her. But I will find it. lol. She's too cute to not have diva clothes. :)

Lets see what else.......

Yes, I went to the club on Tuesday and had a great time once again. Throughout the night I kept noticing someone looking at me, but I thought it was a coincidence so I didn't think much of it. I asked Jody if Justice was singing to me during the last set because it looked like she was staring directly at me and Jody asked if I was serious. Turns out Justice the drag queen MC had been eyeing me all night. I was quite taken back, I don't remember ever getting checked out. It felt good. Sadly while Justice is a rockin drag queen, I fear we have no future, but I don't mind her looking. ;)

Well anyway, that's all from me, I'm off to finish season 5 of the show I've been watching, It's taken me forever to get through these, but I love it, so it's been good.

Have a great night.

Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About me, about my personal life, my professional life, my friends, my family, love, lust, parties, past, present, God, etc... I think a lot, sometimes to a fault and I never really figure things out. I post these silly questions in my head and never really answer them. I come up with what might be, what could be, and every time I think I find an answer, it just feels like a lame excuse, or cop out, or as if I'm putting the blame on something else. It's not only the blame I put on other people or other things, I put the source of happiness in the hands of other people.

I told myself I'm becoming burdened with too many friends because I don't have enough time in a week to spend with them and I spend more time feeling guilty than one person should. Yes, it was seriously a thought that crossed my mind today, which actually led to, what is it about me that people find so interesting enough to want to spend so much time with me? Why am I so damn special that people get upset when I make plans with others? I somehow turned my wonderful awesome friendships I have with so many into a burden? What the ??????

I catch myself in this circle of thought so often it's becoming a habit. Looking back on many of my blog posts I can see where people think I spend half my life depressed. I'm so quiet there must be something troubling my mind is a phrase I have heard most of my life. People call with concern after what they see as a morbid or worrisome post on my blog. I love that people are worried, but at the same time I worry that maybe they don't know me well enough yet. I have been down some dark roads in my past, I have been out on the ledge figuratively and literately, and I would never, nor could never do anything to harm myself. I have learned much in my 32 years, I have learned I have real friends that are there if I need them, and I've learned in the darkest hour it's o.k. to bury my pride and extend a hand for help. So I think I've failed them, or that I'm not trusting enough or opening up enough to my friends that they don't know that.

I'm constantly telling myself, it's my fault, or that I couldn't be responsible for my own happiness, how could I be? It must be the result of someone else, or something else, that I couldn't ever be responsible for happiness. I don't know where it comes from, but it truly haunts me sometimes.

So during these times I'm alone and filling my head with all this craziness, I have been trying to make a small difference in those dark caverns of my mind, trying to remind myself that I have pushed myself and led myself and done things that I wish more people would. I find myself in bad situations, but I've also found my way out of them. I have chased after dreams and some I've accomplished, and some just don't turn out like I originally thought, but I don't have to look back and wonder what could have been. I've put myself out there for better or for worse just to see what would happen. I know I'm not the failure I keep trying to convince myself I am, but I don't know how to move past it.

It seems like every point in my life has never felt like enough. Like everything I do is not what I really wanted when it really was. The choices I've made in my life are mine to own and I need to own them finally. I've made some shitty decisions, and I've paid for them, some I don't think I've paid enough for, but somehow God lets me sleep at night because somehow he knows it was enough. I'm thankful he's more forgiving than myself when it comes to me.

I really do notice the good things in my life, and I do think sometimes I take them for granted. I take friendships for granted many times and I try not to. I try to let my friends know just how much I appreciate every minute I get to spend with them, and that I appreciate all they do for me and how much they mean to me, but sometimes I just can't find the words.

Sometimes for me it's not what you say, sometimes it's not what you do, sometimes, and by sometimes I mean most of the time, it's just that you are there. Sometimes mindlessly watching t.v. with me, sometimes by a 2 minute phone call saying hey what's up, sorry gotta go. Sometimes it's just knowing that even if we haven't spoken in a few weeks I can call or stop by or email and not worry that I haven't been around.

I worry too much.

I've decided I need to get out more. I need to find a way to make more time, I was thinking today I need to take a weekend every other month at least to pull myself out of this place, this town and just experience new things with people I love. I know so many people all around me that I don't get to visit. The store is no longer an excuse, currently I do however have the lack of a personal vehicle at my disposal, but I'm working on that.

I realize now that I allow the mentality of this town I've called home for most of my life to drag me down. I let these people doubt myself and doubt my decisions, I give them more power than I give myself to tell me what's right, what's wrong and what's stupid and what I find fulfilling. Why is it I give them so much power? Maybe it's age, maybe it's reaching my limit of B.S., but I am who I am. I like what I like. I do whatever it is I feel I need to do and I'm so tired of making apologies for that. Just because I'm different, just because I like other things, and just because one thing can not be my favorite thing for life doesn't mean anything, it's all a part of who I am.

I am who I am, and I'm not going to feel sorry about it anymore.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

what a difference

It amazes me what a difference 4 years can make. 4 years ago I was drinking in celebration of a future I never could imagine and 4 years later I'm drinking for different reasons.

4 years ago I opened my business, and 4 years later I'm waiting impatiently to sell said business and move on with my new life.

I've learned so much about myself and have accepted so much about my true self in the last 4 years that if me from today went back and talked to me 4 years ago I'd probably punch myself in the face.

funny how long and short 4 years can feel.

So much good and so much bad, but I love who I am now so much more than who I was, I guess that's saying something huh?