Freedom comes from Confinement

Dear Nay Sayers, I see you there, on the news quite often. Standing there with your picket signs telling me that "Fags are going to hell" and "God created Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve" I applaud you for your originality and your cute rhymes. For so many years when I was growing up and even as an adult, I believed you. I believed that this feeling inside of me, these thoughts, this idea of who I was, was truly against God. How could it not? You've told me all the bible verses telling me so, you've told me the stories, you told me how AIDS was God's way of killing gay people off. You told me God hated gays, you told me that it was unnatural for people of the same sex to be together. You told me there was no room in heaven for homos, you told me that the choice of homosexuality was the work of Satan. How could so many people be wrong? Large groups of people and organizations all fighting against gay marriage. Millions spent on "protecting th...

All these posts from some of my favorite bloggers that have kept me company and have helped me so much spiritually lately and I realized I've been leaving my blog in the dust and not sharing nor letting people in. It's a combination of time, moods and energy, but I'm getting there, I'll post a post that covers everything.....soon. Today I'm having hard time controlling my emotions, I haven't been eating right the last couple of days and it's really affecting my mood, but I'm getting it straightened out. Right now I'm watching Rent performed live on Broadway (on DVD now obviously) and balling. Music has a special hold on my heart and this musical holds so many emotions for me as it reminds me of so much from the time period I discovered it in and reminds me of what once was, who I was, and who I've become and it's a roller coaster, one I never know how to handle, but I still keep riding for the good and yes, even the bad. And every time I...

I've been on this crusade to get my house clean and presentable, all rooms at the same time and it's quite the challenge. I've been working on packing up non essential things and purging and organizing and it's been quite the challenge. In my blood line I have my father's side who save EVERYTHING!!! You never know when you're going to need this 3" piece of string to I can't throw that bottle cap away because it was from the beer I shared with my cousin in the casino lounge on the day of his wedding to newspaper articles that my friends were mentioned in, nothing to do with me, but my friend's name was in the paper so I had to keep it. Then there is my mother's side where nothing is sacred, it's just clutter. If it's more than 2 years old donate it or throw it away! You keep pictures and that's it, everything else is just messing me up and everything must go. It's a constant battle between the two blood lines every time I move o...

So I was supposed to be heading to the club tonight with some friends to dance it up all night, but I strained my back helping my brother yesterday and felt the last thing I was going to do was going to climb the 28 steps up to the club and mess up my back more by convulsing aka dancing lol. So I opted to stay home. Instead I was planning on going to Free and Charro's and just relax for the evening. As luck would have it they were headed out of town for dinner and shopping and invited me along. I had such an awesome time. It's funny how I could have just as much fun with Free, Charro and beautiful Caryss as I do clubbing it up out and about with other friends. I just love it. While clothes shopping for Caryss, the awesome 1 year old, my gay fashion side finally showed up as I was trying to help pick out her clothes. lol. I was trying to help dress her up like the diva she is. lol. But sadly we couldn't find just the right size in the faux patent leather coat with fur t...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About me, about my personal life, my professional life, my friends, my family, love, lust, parties, past, present, God, etc... I think a lot, sometimes to a fault and I never really figure things out. I post these silly questions in my head and never really answer them. I come up with what might be, what could be, and every time I think I find an answer, it just feels like a lame excuse, or cop out, or as if I'm putting the blame on something else. It's not only the blame I put on other people or other things, I put the source of happiness in the hands of other people. I told myself I'm becoming burdened with too many friends because I don't have enough time in a week to spend with them and I spend more time feeling guilty than one person should. Yes, it was seriously a thought that crossed my mind today, which actually led to, what is it about me that people find so interesting enough to want to spend so much time wit...

It amazes me what a difference 4 years can make. 4 years ago I was drinking in celebration of a future I never could imagine and 4 years later I'm drinking for different reasons. 4 years ago I opened my business, and 4 years later I'm waiting impatiently to sell said business and move on with my new life. I've learned so much about myself and have accepted so much about my true self in the last 4 years that if me from today went back and talked to me 4 years ago I'd probably punch myself in the face. funny how long and short 4 years can feel. So much good and so much bad, but I love who I am now so much more than who I was, I guess that's saying something huh?