Sunday, August 30, 2009

update

It's been a whirlwind of a week and a half, full of new changes, new hours and a new life. It's taking so long to get used to, having free time, it's such a strange feeling.

The first day out of the store was amazing. I slept in a little, did a little cleaning, met up with my brother to fix some plumbing in one of the rentals and that led to eating lunch out. I then went for a quiet swim at my aunt's house, a time that was so quiet. No phones, no buzzers, no customers, just me on a raft soaking up some sun. It was great. Then I went to work, but it was o.k. lol.

My first Tuesday back in the store was a rough one. I was not expecting the emotional back lash to opening again and listening to the questions, and the comments, and the snide remarks, but I made it and felt good by the end of it, and I think I'm ready for this week.

The new schedule is one to get used to, it's different almost every day and allows extra time at different times. Working on my feet for 8 hours a day on concrete floors in bad shoes has been something to get used to, but I like it. I feel as if I have a purpose when I'm at work. I know what to do, I know how to do it, and I know how long it should take. I don't have the financial responsibility for the store or the employees within. It's such a weight off of my shoulders to know that if a piece of equipment breaks down that it's not my check book in the balance. I miss working for someone else. lol.

I've discovered that I work harder for someone else than I did for myself, I can leave my work at work and when I get home, it's me time. I got to clean most of this house, I still have a few rooms to do, but for the most part I'm starting to feel human again. It's not always easy to spend time with my friends who work first shift when I essentially work second, but it's working out. I have however missed spending time online. I feel like I'm disconnected from so many of you because I'm not around to chat or get constant updates about how everyone is doing, or how your days are going, I do miss that.

Other than that things are going well, I'm getting caught up on a lot of things in my personal life, packing, organizing, purging, and just cleaning. It feels good to have a clean house, it's been so long. It's nice to run to the store when you need to, run to the post office and live a normal life. I also got to go to lunch with my mother and we had a wonderful afternoon and some great conversation. I guess you could say I'm a momma's boy, and I'm o.k. with that.

There are some things in the works that could allow my dad to retire in the next month or so, so maybe I'll be a daddy's boy too. lol. It would mean a great deal for my dad to be able to get out of his job finally. It's been in the last two months I've noticed just how old my father has gotten and it's a scary insight into the future. I hope getting him to retire will allow him to slow down, not work the seven days a week in the factory and be able to relax and get to the things he's put off for so long.

I'm still worried about the financial aspect of this new life, but I won't really know about those for a few months yet until everything gets on a schedule and my full time checks start coming in. This will be an interesting month in that aspect, so I hope everything goes well.

Working during the day has had it's upbeat though. New people at work, new conversations, new interactions so it's been nice in that aspect. There's also the new guy! He's so cute, chiseled chin, sculpted body, and I just can't figure him out. He wears his pants lower, but has no other signs of being the normal thug normally found in this town. He quiet, he's polite, he gets some of my 80's references, so I can't figure him out. He doesn't really talk enough yet to share any information. He has a big belt buckle which I find incredibly sexy that says something with the word "phat" in it, but I can't make it out......not from a lack of trying lol. I find it intriguing to have a challenge at work, someone to get to know, but have to break into you know? Most new people spout off all sorts of information to show off or impress everyone, but not him, and I find it endearing.

Still no news on selling, we're trying to figure out a new place to advertise because the local papers haven't proven to be fruitful with leads, so we're still working on it. I just can't wait to be done and out of here. The one thing with working fast food is the conversations are limited, and it does get old after awhile.

Well anyway I forget where I was going with this so I'll end it before I ramble on even more. lol. When I find a clear thought I'll try to start again. ;)

Today

Today started as any ordinary day, forced myself out of bed, got ready for work and went to work.

Today was a day I felt self concious, I don't know what brought it on. I was in a comfort zone, a place that doesn't normally trigger this feeling.

Today was the day I constantly pulled at my shirt because I felt my bulges were too defined by the tight shirt I'm forced to wear.

Today was the day I wouldn't pick things up off the floor because of how I think I look when I bend over in these pants.

Today was the day my feet reminded me how much weight I carry around on them all day long.

Today was a day I felt customers staring at me thinking "Poor guy in his thirties and this is the best he can do"

Today was a day that I felt customers thinking "Hey buddy, just because you work here doesn't mean you have to eat everything, looks like you could put the chicken down"

Today was a day that you looked at me and I couldn't speak because I didn't think I was worthy.

Today was a day that you joked with me, and I thought you were making fun of me.

Today was a day you laughed about something out of hearing range and I thought you were laughing at me.

Today was a day I felt inept to do a simple task.

Today was a day I felt useless and unworthy of my skin, all 500 pounds of it.

Today was a day I felt lazy because I took a nap after work.

Today was a day I felt like a hog because I had a can of soda.

Today was a day I felt everyone staring at me judging every choice at the grocery store.

Today was a day I felt you staring at me wondering how fat could someone get.

Today was a day I felt as if you wondered how much fabric it took to make enough clothes to cover me.

Today was a day I felt as if I haven't done anything with this life.

Today was a day I felt as if you were watching me feeling sorry for me, the lonely guy alone at Chipoltle.

Today was a day I felt you judging me for eating the entire burrito and snacking on the chips.

Today was a day I could feel you staring into my soul, knowing the thoughts I'm having and laughing because you know you would never lower your standards enough.

Today was a day I felt you watching me drive by thinking you were in college so you didn't end up driving the beat up truck you see before you.

Today was a day I felt you watching me and laughing at how I walk.

Today was a day I felt like the worlds largest man still able to walk.

Today was a day I felt you judging my clothes.

Today was a day I felt every choice I've made in the past was wrong.

Today was a day I felt as if my choices for the future may be wrong and that's why the future is not happening.

Today was a day I felt so distant from everyone else on the planet.

Today started out as any ordinary day, today was a day that wasn't really bad. Today was a day that nothing out of the ordinary happened, but today was the day I couldn't escape my head.

Tomorrow though, is a new day.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Wow

A full time job not involving the internet and no internet access on the computer at said job.

How do I fit in my online time in this life? How do you do it Jake? My reader is exploding, and I'm behind on blogging!

I feel so disconnected.


But strangely I'm finding myself again, just wish I could be out of here to finish finding myself. I miss me. :)


I miss you too.



All of you.



I promise to update everyone sometime this week.



At least I'll try my hardest. lol.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Help me Ronda, Help Help me Ronda

Help me Ronda yeah......get him out of my heart. LOL.

The fair is in town and so sparks my very bad fascination with the carnies that come in every day. They are really nice people, not the typical carnie folk you run into that are rude and obnoxious, this company stands by their carnies and if they find out they are out of line and misrepresenting their company, they are out.

They don't always look the cleanest, or talk with the most proper English, and sometimes they are missing a tooth or two........but they are just so cute. I can't help it. I really can't. I can't explain it, I can't justify it.......it's just the way it is.

Random thoughts.

Well fair week is upon me, the fair grounds is filled with the hustle and bustle of people setting up and preparing for the fair. Tomorrow the campers start rolling in and before I know it Friday will be here. This is the time of year I get very nervous, it's a lot of money going out in speculation on products I'm not sure I'll sell. The rowdy and obnoxious teenagers trying to pull one over on me will start coming in and so begins everyone's constant bitching about not being able to park in my lot, or not getting to use my bathroom, or not getting to use my phone, or being able to harass people from the front of my store. It's usually more stress than anything for me. It's 15 hours a day being stuck in this place with no break. Last year I nearly went bankrupt because of the fair, but everyone just assumes I make enough off of one week to pay my bills for a year. That is so wrong. On a good year I profit enough to catch my bills up and usually pay myself since I take a week off of my second job. Last year I was left with tons of inventory I didn't get rid of and everyone bitched I ran out of other stuff. I was hoping I wouldn't even be here for this fair because of that, but alass, here I am.

So anyway, this is the week, I've ordered conservatively and hoping for the best. Come next Friday morning change is being instituted. I'm not really announcing it to the general public until next thursday, but I'm changing the store hours to just Tuesdays from 11-7. I can no longer afford to pay out the kind of money it takes to keep this place open for people. It's within my best interest to go back to work full time and maintain the store on a part time basis. I have to do this for me and my checkbook. I have been borrowing to keep the doors open for some time and I just can't afford to keep doing it, the money is out, the money is gone and there is none left. This town has showed me what it's made of and flipped me the bird the final time.

So anway with that news out of the way I spent some time with Jonny today. Some may remember Johnny from a blog a couple years that I wrote that can be found here. Johnny has had some trouble over the last six months. He was having a hard time swallowing food and went to the doctor, long story short is they discovered it was a tumor. They treated him to shrink the tumor so they could remove it, but when they recently went to remove it they discovered at least 12 more growing all over the place and stitched him back up and the surgeon gave him 2 months to live. I spoke with him today and the doctor in Toledo reviewed the information and told him it could be 3 months up to 18 months depending on treatment etc...

I've been battling with what to say to him if I saw him and today he came in to update me and I was at a loss. I tried not to pitty him or anything like that because I don't think he would care for that. I let him talk, and talk he did. He's going tomorrow to talk to the doctor's about his options but he's planning on fighting. He said he's been praying a lot and he knows he's too young to go and he's not done here yet. He said when they opened him up the tumor moved away from his esophagus and down to his liver, which he knows is bad news, but he said now he can eat without discomfort so he can regain his strength. I encouraged him and made sure he had people that were checking up on him from time to time and going with him to his appointments. He seems pretty determined.

He also told me how scared he is, and I just don't know how to react to that. I told him it's o.k. to be scared. He also told me how angry he was, how he spoke to God in a matter unfitting to a christian and he would only get angrier. I told him it was o.k. to be angry with God as long as he didn't stop talking to God, to not give up hope and not lose faith, and he agreed. I tried to tell him the things that were on my mind, but I couldn't get to them all in conversation. I can't imagine being in his position, but he said it certainly changes your perspective on things. We had a good chat today and he's taking it better than I would have expected. Pray for him when you get a chance.

One thing we talked about were regrets. It's something that goes through my mind quite often actually because people always ask me..."Do you regret ever buying this place?" and some days I want to answer yes, somedays I wish I had never moved back and taken this on, but I see the good that came out of it as well. I do no regret doing this, I do not regret anything in my past. The things I've done in the past as well as the present are decisions I make based on who I am. Sometimes they aren't the smartest decisions, sometimes I do things that make me realize that a certain part of me is unneccessary. Not that it shouldn't be a part of who I am, but there are reasons that part of me is not the decision maker. lol. Jonny said he seems that since before he retired it seemed that every decision he's made has been the wrong one, that he keeps making bad decisions and getting nowhere. I asked him if he thought he'd still be who he was without those decisions. I know I wouldn't be who I am today without the bad decisions I've made in the past.

We can only learn from bad decisions. Some have a longer sting of aftermath than others, but each time we make a decision it's based on us, there was something about that decision that made us feel safe, or made us feel alive, or something along those lines. There was something just so enticing about that decision that we made it. If it's a bad one, we just have to learn from it and move on. My advice to Johnny was simple, all we can do is keep making decisions, right or wrong, when we fall we have to get back up because the next decision could be the right one. Johnny awakens the old Pete, the old Pete that believed there was good in everything, that there was good in everyone. He awakens a part of me that I've missed, the part that could look through a bad situation and keep a steady eye on the light at the end. I've missed him so.

I've been having a very hard time lately, I've been cranky and moody and down right mean at times lately and I've noticed, but do little to stop it, until now. I want to rediscover myself, have faith in people again, to be able to let bigons be bigons and keep moving forward. I need to press through this bad time right now and keep my eye on the future. I'm going to work harder at that, to not be the constantly bitching person I have been as of late, because as Johnny told me today............"Life's too short for that shit."

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Truth Syrum

So last night we went out for S's birthday. It was a group of 10 of us in three vehicles. I was in the car with S and J. We drank before we went to gay night at the club so we wouldn't spend as much money there. The party was going well, everyone having a good time, I apparently was having too good of time. I vaguely remember the DD's loading us all in the cars and taking off. One thing about alcohol in my system is that it makes me talk.....a lot. Now in the crowd I was with I'm pretty sure I took the liberty of sharing more information than I think either of them expected about things in the past and things in my mind.

At one point I leaned over to J and told her that in case she hadn't figured it out yet that I was a big ole 'mo. She said she figured it out awhile back, and I guess that only started the conversation. More and more details of the conversations in the car are coming back to me, and I know there were some things that I don't think S was expecting to hear, but he's been very kind about it.....so far. lol. I now have no secrets from S or J apparently. J learned an awful lot about me last night, but she'll be cool with it. We stopped off at a bar about half way to the club so S could get a birthday drink from a friend of his that was bartending. I remember hugging and talking and possibly groping our friend Matt the drag queen we support, I'm not sure about the events exactly, but I'm pretty sure I made an ass out of myself.

Once at the club I, being very outgoing and talkative at this point, struck up a nice conversation with the cute guy checking ID's and working the door. I wish I could remember all of the conversation, I'm not sure how big of an ass I sounded like. Once in the club I had a beer and danced the night away. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not much of a dancer, but that didn't seem to stop me. I danced with everyone, I did some grinding with an old manager I used to work with, made some very awkward attempts at flirting with guys that obviously wanted nothing to do with me, and had what I can only imagine was a terribly awkward conversation with a guy by the bathrooms. I do remember walking in to use the restroom and seeing a group of guys by the sink having a conversation about their piercings.....um yeah, it was different.

The night quickly went down hill when I went outside with the old manager to have a smoke and flirt terribly with him, I'm sure his wife would have appreciated that. But anyway he started entertaining the crowd outside and ended up breaking a $6 piece of glass that was holding up a flyer of some sort on the wall, he freaked and left. The bouncer comes out as our small group of three was heading towards the car and yelled that we had to stay and tell the cops what we saw, and while we were rounding the corner to get away from the guy I heard him give the cops the description of S's shirt. I knew it was going to be bad from then on out. We got the car, got rid of S's shirt and our DD got us out of there fairly quickly.

We were to rendevous with the others at Taco Bell, because that's what you do after a night at the bars in that college town. We waited, and waited, and waited. Well come to find out in a cell phone conversation later, three of them were arrested. The details are still a bit sketchy because I wasn't around and didn't even know where they parked so I have to wait and talk to them to see what exactly happened. The two eighteen year olds weren't held because they had no charges, they were stone sobber and had nothing to do with what had transpired. The 17 year old (who apparently had a fake ID) got alcohol in the club somehow and was arrested for underage. He's going to be fine, and I have yet to figure out how they got tied into the drama.

As we're sitting in the Taco Bell parking lot going back and forth on phone calls trying to piece it together I just put my head in my hands and decided I need to retire Party Boy. He's had his fun, I have no idea how it got so out of control so fast for me. Up until the end I did have a really great time, but it's not exactly the image of myself I wish to leave with people. I think my days of having that much to drink are over. I'm not stupid and thinking I'll give up drinking all together, but it's time I take it back to a more social level. It was a good feeling to let go and have that much fun and let my gaurd down and be more outgoing, but I need to find a way to do that with less alcohol.

It was not my finest hour, I'll admit it. But I learned from it and will be working harder to be more like that, but without a crutch.