Freedom comes from Confinement

It's been a whirlwind of a week and a half, full of new changes, new hours and a new life. It's taking so long to get used to, having free time, it's such a strange feeling. The first day out of the store was amazing. I slept in a little, did a little cleaning, met up with my brother to fix some plumbing in one of the rentals and that led to eating lunch out. I then went for a quiet swim at my aunt's house, a time that was so quiet. No phones, no buzzers, no customers, just me on a raft soaking up some sun. It was great. Then I went to work, but it was o.k. lol. My first Tuesday back in the store was a rough one. I was not expecting the emotional back lash to opening again and listening to the questions, and the comments, and the snide remarks, but I made it and felt good by the end of it, and I think I'm ready for this week. The new schedule is one to get used to, it's different almost every day and allows extra time at different times. Working on my feet...

Today started as any ordinary day, forced myself out of bed, got ready for work and went to work. Today was a day I felt self concious, I don't know what brought it on. I was in a comfort zone, a place that doesn't normally trigger this feeling. Today was the day I constantly pulled at my shirt because I felt my bulges were too defined by the tight shirt I'm forced to wear. Today was the day I wouldn't pick things up off the floor because of how I think I look when I bend over in these pants. Today was the day my feet reminded me how much weight I carry around on them all day long. Today was a day I felt customers staring at me thinking "Poor guy in his thirties and this is the best he can do" Today was a day that I felt customers thinking "Hey buddy, just because you work here doesn't mean you have to eat everything, looks like you could put the chicken down" Today was a day that you looked at me and I couldn't speak because I didn't thi...

A full time job not involving the internet and no internet access on the computer at said job. How do I fit in my online time in this life? How do you do it Jake? My reader is exploding, and I'm behind on blogging! I feel so disconnected. But strangely I'm finding myself again, just wish I could be out of here to finish finding myself. I miss me. :) I miss you too. All of you. I promise to update everyone sometime this week. At least I'll try my hardest. lol.

Help me Ronda yeah......get him out of my heart. LOL. The fair is in town and so sparks my very bad fascination with the carnies that come in every day. They are really nice people, not the typical carnie folk you run into that are rude and obnoxious, this company stands by their carnies and if they find out they are out of line and misrepresenting their company, they are out. They don't always look the cleanest, or talk with the most proper English, and sometimes they are missing a tooth or two........but they are just so cute. I can't help it. I really can't. I can't explain it, I can't justify it.......it's just the way it is.

Well fair week is upon me, the fair grounds is filled with the hustle and bustle of people setting up and preparing for the fair. Tomorrow the campers start rolling in and before I know it Friday will be here. This is the time of year I get very nervous, it's a lot of money going out in speculation on products I'm not sure I'll sell. The rowdy and obnoxious teenagers trying to pull one over on me will start coming in and so begins everyone's constant bitching about not being able to park in my lot, or not getting to use my bathroom, or not getting to use my phone, or being able to harass people from the front of my store. It's usually more stress than anything for me. It's 15 hours a day being stuck in this place with no break. Last year I nearly went bankrupt because of the fair, but everyone just assumes I make enough off of one week to pay my bills for a year. That is so wrong. On a good year I profit enough to catch my bills up and usually pay myself ...

So last night we went out for S's birthday. It was a group of 10 of us in three vehicles. I was in the car with S and J. We drank before we went to gay night at the club so we wouldn't spend as much money there. The party was going well, everyone having a good time, I apparently was having too good of time. I vaguely remember the DD's loading us all in the cars and taking off. One thing about alcohol in my system is that it makes me talk.....a lot. Now in the crowd I was with I'm pretty sure I took the liberty of sharing more information than I think either of them expected about things in the past and things in my mind. At one point I leaned over to J and told her that in case she hadn't figured it out yet that I was a big ole 'mo. She said she figured it out awhile back, and I guess that only started the conversation. More and more details of the conversations in the car are coming back to me, and I know there were some things that I don't think S...