Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dear Grandma

It is not necessary to visit me in my dreams to tell me you want me to go to Thanksgiving, you do this every year, but this year I'm fighting you.

That daughter of yours seems to love to make me feel like a failure and this year grandma, I don't need that because I already feel like a complete and utter failure.

I already believe that as a professional I've failed and those people that say I'm family (once a year) just thrive on helping me feel that even more. I don't need that this year and I'm sorry if you think I need to be there. I think of you often and if you were there I wouldn't fight it because you were the only reason I went for the last 10 years of your life.

I know they're family, but I have to draw a line this year. Perhaps next year if I'm in a better place I will reconsider your plea, but this year I have to say no. Those people do not treat me like family and will not miss me one bit, they haven't missed my siblings in the last 7 years, they will certainly not miss me this one year.

If you wish to spend thanksgiving with me, I'll be here at home cooking for dinner with people who do consider me family and treat me as such as well.

This has nothing to do with you, these were choices your daughter made and you alone can not unthaw her frozen bitter heart from the pain of years before. They were her choices and I refuse to take the brunt of her anger and sarcasm when I'm in my own fragile state. For just one day I'm going to try to not feel like a failure, like I haven't failed you, that I haven't failed my parents, and I haven't failed myself, just one day is all I want, just one stinking day.

I'm sorry and I love you, and I hope you understand when I'm not there this year, and I can only hope you won't punish me in my dreams for the next year.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Brokeback Mountain

I had planned on watching a different movie, but this just came on Bravo and I'm not sure I can turn it off, but it will make me cry, it always does. But how can I turn the t.v. off from this?

http://static.reelmovienews.com/images/gallery/jake-gyllenhaal-photo_212x282.jpg

It's no wonder Eniss fell for the guy, just look at those eyes and his smile!!! I fall for him every time I see him!

We'll see what wins out tonight, my other movie or my love for Jake Gyllenhaal. lol.

I know I'm due for an update, and I'll get there.....sometime.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

discombobulation.

I'm not sure what's been happening to my mind recently, I find myself working on myself, but at the same time withdrawing from life which is funny because I've been just so busy running from one thing to another. The last week or so I feel like I've been floating out of my body just watching life happen and watching myself interact and attend things and work. I feel like I'm not taking a part in anything and I'm not sure how to explain it.

I just don't feel right in the head. I've been working so hard on my relationship with God, and yet I'm pulling away at the same time. I shrug at the idea of church and I become so sceptical when people start talking religion. I listen to a few, but for the most part I find the cynical side of me taking over and I keep fighting it.

What's happening to me? I'm not finding what I want out of the usual things I used to do to pass time, I'm not finding that much fun in things I used to love. I avoid 80% of my google reader because I feel like the those blogs no longer appeal to me, but I don't delete them because I feel like I might come back to them. I find some of the blogs just so superficial I can barely even read the titles.

I don't feel like I have anything to say to anyone, I feel like nothing that comes out of my mouth is worth it's weight and that no one will find any benefit in what's in my head. I feel like I could just lay in bed under the covers for months and not be bothered by it.

I hope I'm just tired and run down after this week, but it feels like more than that. I just really can't explain it right, so I feel like this blog post is pointless, but it is my blog, so I'll write whatever I want. ;)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

??????

I spend a lot of time wishing I could just slow down and spend some time alone relaxing and catching up on me time, or cleaning my house, or catching up on some t.v. show. But when I find myself with the time I've been longing for, I feel like I'm not exciting enough and wish I could get out more.

I don't even know what I want. I just need some time out of this body, or at least out of this mind of mine.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Bad blogger, Bad bad bad.

So I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, I really am, but lets face it, most of you have been kept up to date on the goings on from my facebook page, so I don't feel real awful. lol.

First things first, my truck done blew up. It was just short of catching fire and just exploding. It is currently in pieces at my brothers house waiting for the trailer to take it to it's final resting place. Yes it could be cheaper to put a new engine in it, but the body is so rusted we're not sure it's strong enough to hold a new engine. It's bad, it's the first time in 16 years I've been without a vehicle of my own. I thank God that I have the family I have because for the first two weeks my parents made sure I got where I needed to go and things still got done, and now my uncle has loaned me his truck to get me through at least the winter. It's a company truck and he doesn't use it much during the winter so he's loaned it too me to get me through this time. I'm thankful everyday for their love and support.

I currently have two vehicles I'm looking at. One is a truck from Bethany's uncle I have to call on. I'm nervous because the truck is known to be small and I'm a big guy and it's a stick shift so I have to have room to hit the clutch which can be trouble in a small truck for a small guy, but I'm going to call and check it out anyway in case I'm wrong....which has happened once or twice. ;) The other is a car in Indianapolis that sounds good and is priced really well and if it's what is being said could be a car to get me through this time period and be a decent trade in when I'm ready. The problem is.....it's a car.

Other than that, for christmas I paid a professional photographer to take our family portrait. I've been thinking about this for years, but for one I never had the money, and to be honest I didn't want anyone to spend the money while my brother was in a shaky marriage. We have lots of family photos that we don't display now because they were with his wife #1 or wife #2 and it drives me crazy, so I figured this would be the year to do it and everyone agreed. My mother was just so excited I just know it was the perfect gift. One of the other reasons I was so for it this year is my father finally retired. I'm so happy he's retired because his job has been getting worse and worse as the last couple of years, and he has gone through so much being the oldest employee in the building and the highest paid because of his 35 years with them. I was so happy when the opportunity came for him to end his relationship with them, but it suddenly hit me that my time with my father is limited. I do realize that he could live another 30-40 years, but the reality of the situation is men on my father's side don't live to see past 75 and it scared the living crap out of me. So I took this opportunity to hire a photographer to create a fun day of multi location shoots and created such a wonderful day for us as a family I would have paid a lot more than they charged. It was a great day and now that day is locked in a photograph for the rest of my own life. It seems a bit morbid to think of that, but I'd rather realize how limited my time with my parents is now while I can let go of the little stuff and spend time with them, than think time is endless and miss opportunities to tell them I love them or appreciate everything they've done for me so far.

This past weekend I got to spend time in Cincinnati and time with J and C and had such a wonderful time. I got to attend a wedding of one of my dearest friends, I came out to people that care about me, and just overall happiness. I was also exposed to so many emotions when it came to being a part of a couple. It was weird how many good and bad situations I was exposed to this weekend and I just kind of took it all in and still have yet to analyze it. It helped me pin point emotions I pray are never part of a long term relationship of my own, and some I hope to gain. It's hard to explain without having to live through the weekend I did, but it also helped me to realize just how real relationships can be and how much work they can be, but also how they can be worth all the time and effort it requires. It was both eye opening and inspiring at the same time.

As far as the cost of help post from earlier, I have not yet had that conversation. I'm still working on how to bring it up and what in particular to say that will sink in because the more I look at the situation the more strange it becomes. I think it has a lot to do with different ways of being raised and very different life styles and I'm not sure how this will go. I'm trying to see both sides before I go into this because it could get interesting.

Tonight I attended the weekly party at Scott's house and like I figured I would be, I was just ready to get the heck out of there. In the last six month our lives have chaged so much. I still care for him as a close friend, but I also know when he's not listening to me and needs to learn more about himself and the people he holds close to him. To look from the outside in I can see how people are using him, but it's something he needs to learn himself because no matter how I try to get him to see things, he denies them and keeps going on. I am starting to accept my age and Scott seems to be fighting it more and more. To each their own. While I enjoy the eye candy of his weekly parties, because there is plenty of it, I am more content to leave early because of the smoky room, loud music and fighting, and just be home on a tuesday night catching up on things and watching a t.v. show or two and going to bed at a decent hour.

Now I do enjoy going out, having a good time, but my defenition of a good time is changing frequently. I more enjoyed coffee with B, J and C this weekend than spending two hours at Scott's party. After the last few months I'm o.k. with being 32, I really am because I so don't want to go back to those days. I'd rather grab a bunch of other people my age, go out to dance and have a good time and be home by midnight to check my email and go to bed. How weird for me to say that. lol.

It's that conversation my brother and I were having tonight over the loud party because after two visits to Scott's parties he's realized too that he doesn't fit in and would rather have a bon fire at his house with some quiet music than a loud obnoxious party with cops showing up. It's going to be just fine, me and this old age have gotten to know each other and we're happy together now. It was a rough start, but we're finding the kinks in our relationship and working them out through compromise. ;)

Well anyway, I guess it's time to head off to bed. :)