I think I'm afraid of having a home (see my most recent self indulgent blog). I also think that's why any home I have is in organizational chaos at all times : )
Hows does a person rid themselves of toxic people? People who are not good for you, people who hold you back or keep you down, or just not treat you very good. How do I walk away? Why do I care? How do I get myself not to care anymore? I guess I just hate being made the asshole when there is no reason to be. There really is no redeeming value to this friendship, or lack there of, they don't hold me up and somehow managed to make me feel worse for standing up for myself and turned this all back into somehow my fault. If they completely miss the point, are these people I need to even bother with? People I should be spending my time with? What does that say to my real friends? The people that really do care, the people that do hold me up, the people that support me and the people that love me. What does my spending time on this unhealthy friendship say to them? That somehow these people are more worth my time than they are? Everyone else has been able to write it off and move on...
What am I apologizing for you may wonder, well I went out last night and had tons of things to talk about, tons of things I wanted to write about from the evening, but halfway through the night I had convinced myself that I couldn't blog about it because my readers may not like the things I say, or tell me how awful I am, and how they can't believe they ever made friends with such a person. This is probably true in many of my circles of friends, but if I have a great night and I can't talk about it with the people I love, why oh why would I want to continue the friendship? On my way home last night I realized that no one has ever given me a reason to think like this, perhaps it is myself still trying to hide behind imaginary conversations and imaginary people judging me from afar, maybe it's me dealing with how I was raised and realizing it was perhaps not quite open minded enough to fully enjoy life. None of you have ever given me a reason to think these things, so w...
So I heard tonight that I fell madly in love with a gay stripper in Cincinnati and that's why I sold the store and I'm moving down there so we can be together. :blink: um......yeah, that was my first reaction as well. Perhaps this would be a good time for a sidebar.....huh? So S is involved and chats frequently in the "under the radar" gay society of this little town. The people who don't use names or send pictures because too many people know them and they hold positions in town and would be destroyed if they were to be found out. Together we have pieced together the identity of several of their members, but he told me the latest started asking about me because I have been seen spending time with S in the past and he recently heard this rumor and wanted to know which way I swing to see if the rumor was true. I died laughing. I guess I have developed quite a reputation in this society by who I'm spending time with. My friendships with Ron and Norm, my...
I think I'm afraid of having a home (see my most recent self indulgent blog). I also think that's why any home I have is in organizational chaos at all times : )
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