Freedom comes from Confinement

I have fallen behind on writing I know, but I have about 6 posts in the draft stage waiting to be finished, hopefully in a better frame of mind. The crazy has come so close to the surface lately I was afraid of it pouring out too much onto here and end up scaring everyone so I had to reel it in a bit to keep myself in check. There has been much good happening but something in my head that has been stopping me from enjoying it the way I should be, it's that dang self doubt again. Lately it has me feeling like I'm barely holding it together. Once I get a handle on it I can finish these posts. All is good, I promise, it's just all in my head, once I figure out how to get out of my head a bit I'll make some room for all of you to take a peek in, but I must have the liability waivers prepared first.

Feb. 1: Did not get much done and for once, didn't give myself a hard time about it. Feb. 2: Had some hilarious conversations with some fun people at work. Laughter certainly breaks up the day. Feb. 3: to be honest, nothing memorable about today. Feb. 4: Pizza and a movie. What a great ending to an interesting day. Feb. 5: Spent the evening getting two teenage girls in trouble with their mother while we were all at a jewelry party. I should have stopped one margarita before. Feb. 6: Caught up on some me time. Feb. 7:received several emails today congratulating me on my rank standings so far this month. #1 agent in both locations. Feb. 8: Had dinner with the roommate at her other job and somehow life was good again. lol. Feb. 9: Had a great day at work, (I know, a WHAT?) found out I'm getting a bonus for last month and was in the top 25% of the agents between both call centers in the company! Feb. 10: realized how good the gym makes me feel when we go, I only realized this after...

I've been starting to feel a draw to something. I have yet to figure out what it is, but I can see a path being developed in front of me. A path that can be part of a solution for many of the things I have on the back burner simmering right now. Perhaps the reason they are on the back burner is because God is waiting for me to sort through it and recognize the path infront of me and decide the path is in my best interest and for me to realize that the reward is going to be worth the bumpy road ahead. Like I said, I don't know where it's leading to, I don't know what's all involved yet, but I feel my heart being tugged towards something, and that right now is enough to give me hope. The only thing I know is where I think it's leading me to, could radically change my life for the better, a life I never imagined even a few years ago. I will continue to sort through all this as I try to get that path in front of me to focus a little more.

So there has been a topic on my mind quite a bit lately. I keep pushing it to the back burner to simmer and conjure up some more thoughts and maybe even an action plan. It's so heavy though that I can't look directly at it as one whole piece, I really need to break it up otherwise I get so overwhelmed I lose all hope. The big topic is this: "What's it all about?" We got a new manager at work who is trying to settle in and trying to find ways to motivate us and so she sent out an email with a suggestion. Bring in a picture of the reason you get out of bed in the morning. A picture of your kids, your husband or wife, your boyfriend/girl friend, etc... It's a good tool, it's a way to get us to personalize our spaces. Most people look like they live in their cubes already....except me. I have nothing personal at my cube, nothing personal in the drawers, just nothing personal. It really made me sit down and think....What is it that gets me out of bed in...

Lately I've been feeling this need to help, this need to play a supporting role, this need to take care of people. I've learned I enjoy cooking when there is someone to cook for, I enjoy keeping a house clean when someone else is living in it (for the most part o.k., I'm still working on being observant of the messes I can leave in my trail. lol.) A thought occurred to me one Tuesday on my day off as I was folding some laundry and dinner was cooking and I was getting things in order.....I could really enjoy being a kept man. Sure it would get boring after awhile, I would need to work at least part time, but I enjoy these things. I really enjoy being in a supporting role. I can still lead when the need arises, but there is a part of me that wants to take care of someone. I realize it opens an entirely different can of worms of being taken advantage of, or being too passive, or whatever else haters want to refer to it as, but there is a part of me that enjoys it and would...

I call it a cheater post because I want to repost my roommies blog because so much of it rings true to me at this point. from study in Contradiction : Lately I've felt totally incapable of human interaction. But I also recognize the giant red flag that is my constant withdrawing from human contact and any form of community. So color me.....caught..... when our small group winter term launches and I begin looking for the safe bet of a learning group. I feel comfortable and safe in a learning group. There's a defined topic of conversation and I can "brace" myself for the community that happens there. It all sounds so sexy doesn't it? Because sometimes I need to prepare for community. To make sure that all my ragged edges and ugly is contained and neatly tucked away in the darkest part of my heart. Which...yes, I realize is the opposite of what the actual point of community is but whatevs. ... There's this standing apart I feel when I go to learning groups...

So lately I've been picking things up in conversations and something came across my mind.... Many times in many conversations with many different types of people when someone is excited about something or talks a lot about something many people perceive them as "fake" or getting excited just for the sake of getting excited. The pessimism is astounding, and not just from other people, I find myself doing the same thing. It could be about music, or their job, or religion, or anything really. I wonder sometimes if we are so pessimistic and assume fakeness because we don't have something to be so passionate about? Many people become so passionate about things that their bodies and their minds just exude passion for whatever that topic may be. Could it really be that the observers just don't understand it because we don't have a similar passion in our lives? What are you passionate about? Are you so passionate that people could think you're being fake about...