Freedom comes from Confinement

So coming to the cabin was a still a good idea. I think it was good to get away by myself to realize I don't particularly care to be by myself all the time. I think I need a little more of it than what I have but I like living with Bethany, I like working around the house, I want to get back into some creative hobbies and start to open up the creative side of my brain again.  I found I don't care for nature all that much. I went walking through the woods on some trails and some of them were washed out, some where muddy and I ran into so many spider webs and got grossed out.  I had enough of rough nature. I'll take metro parks over this stuff.  I like paved paths and parking lots.  I did however enjoy the freedom to take my shirt off and get some sun. It got really hot and I prefer tanning in a pool but it was nice to lay out without thinking someone was going to walk up on me any minute.  While I'm comfortable with my body, I'm not comfortable with people I know...

 So 10 years has passed since my last blog entry. 10 long and crazy wonderful years.  While I struggle everyday with the passing of time I know I've grown so much in the last 10 years.  I have switched jobs multiple times, found myself in incredibly toxic places but fought my way out.  I have started meds to help balance the crazy and started therapy too.   I can't say that the feelings from that post 10 years ago are long gone but they are certainly kept at bay now.  Recently when my meds were not working I fell back into that mess, I didn't think I measured up in anyway but weight.  I felt as if I was failing my best friend in supporting her, failing at my job, failing at all friendships and I felt like I was sinking.  I was ready to to just disappear, that's not to say I was suicidal, I fear death above all else, but I wanted to just disappear into the background, sink into the ether and stop failing people.  I started looking into bo...

For the last three days now I've been waking up early in a stressful ball of nerves.  My dreams have been waking me up, dreams about times and situations where I haven't been enough, and today of situations where I'm feeling like I'm not enough.  Three days now of my subconscious either reminding me of where I've failed or trying to get me to think about ways I'm doing it again. I awake and lay there trying to calm myself but it leads further down that path, if I awake from one situation my mind will start to wander down similar paths but different situations.  Today I woke up stressed out about my current job, not that the job is stressful but my mind is playing tricks on me during this time where I'm the supervisor, but not really the supervisor and what I need to do to show them I can do it without having the actual power or backup systems of being the supervisor.  My mind is trying to show me the ways I'm failing and when I wake up it reminds me ho...

I have spent the last 6 months purposely working on my self esteem, especially when it comes to my own thoughts and my internal monologue.  I have been getting much better at not talking myself down and finding self worth in myself, appreciate myself and just generally being nicer to myself in the hopes that if I found love with myself, perhaps I would be ready to let others love me.  Six seconds into a conversation with a cute boy who was interested in at least getting to know something about me and I completely mentally melted down back into the person and the thoughts I was over six months ago.  I had problems keeping a conversation going because in my head I kept asking why a cute boy would talk to me, why he would even move seats to talk to me.  I couldn't understand anything that was happening.  I faked it as much as I could to keep the crazy on the inside, but I was just a hot mess inside.  Ug.  Why can't I just live in the moment and meet n...

So the last couple of weeks I started watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix. It's the usual campy lawyer, dumb girl gone smart show that overall was pretty predictable, but about three episodes in I was floored by the strong subtext in the show. There is this amazing sub story about the main character and how she finds this inner strength to carry herself with such confidence. The main character was born a thin supermodel, super might be stretching it, but you get the point, some things happen and she ends up in the body of an over weight smart lawyer. The sub context in this story line blew me away. I couldn't stop watching because of this whole thing. It's so hard to put into words, but I can still find it so amazing that big people can have this confidence and this attitude of "yeah, this is me, get over it and love it". I have been working on it and searching for it, and this show came along just at a time I was giving up on it. I know it's just a t.v...

So I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and my sister after dinner one night just talking and catching up on this and that and we talked about one of my sister's best friends from high school. They roomed together the first two years of college and were as tight as two friends could be. They agreed on so much and talked about their very open minded ideas and such. Since then, said friend went to seminary and began working for a very fire and brimstone church in Columbus as a youth administrator of some sort and has since pretty much broken communication with my sister because of her crazy liberal agenda and that's what we were talking about. My sister had told us about this conversation they had in college about gay christians and how wrong the church had it and how closed minded it was. They were both good friends with a guy who was in seminary wanting to be a preacher for a church community who would never hire him because of his partner. She said they went on and o...

So I guess it's been a few weeks ago now I finally took some time off. 9 whole days as a matter of fact. 9 whole days off of work, and still got paid. It's been quite awhile since I've done that, and it felt good. I battled for months over where to go, who to see, etc. I ended up making a list of the places I wanted to go and the people I wanted to see and then realized few people have time off during the week to visit and also had to list how long it had been since I had seen each person. Then there was the weather to take into consideration, there are trips that can be done over the winter (since starting in January I will have 17 days of vacation/Paid Time Off to use on my whim. I ended up planning a trip to Michigan. The plan was to drive up on Friday and stay with LeighAnn over the weekend, then I splurged and got a great hotel room about an hour north from there right on the lake for the night, and then head through Michigan on Monday and stop and see a few people, ha...

Oh how I have some great posts just waiting to be written, I just don't make the time to actually sit at the computer to write them and it's so hard to type a post on my phone, but they are coming I promise! Oh such good ones! There is vacation, a tid bit I've been chewing on and processing since vacation, the kitchen remodel, mind blowing television with strong subtexts, oh so many. Maybe with a teaser I'll make a little time to get them out of my head. Soon, until then, I must sleep, although I've slept most of the last three days away, but that's besides the point. Until then loves. wow, since when am I british?

Seriously, how cute am I? That's me with my lawn mower, no I didn't sleep with it, it stayed outside, it was a lawn mower after all. I loved to pretend to mow the yard, I loved our yard. There was always so much to do. That patch of concrete was so random, there was the concrete path I am on that lead from the patio out to a square of concrete that you can see at the end of the path. We always assumed that the previous owners had a table or something out there, it was the middle of the yard and just never really made sense. Behind me there was a pipe in the ground where dad said there used to be a grill. It was so weird, but it fed into our imagination so much. We used it as home base in games, we used it as a garage for our bikes, a meeting place, and so many other things that I'm forgetting now as an adult. It was there for years and years until we finally removed it when we put the family room onto the back of the house and had to take it out. The side you can s...

Look at that child and tell me I was not the most adorable thing on the planet. Seriously, try it. I mean check out how awkward I was, the priceless expression on my face, my pot belly. How awkwardly wonderful. This was my wheel barrel. I'm not sure why I loved it so much, but I really loved that wheel barrel. My grandparents on my dad side got it for me one year for Easter. My grandma loved to get us gifts for any holiday. Sometimes they were bigger gifts, and other times just random small things that always brought joy to me because they were from the heart. I never wanted anything material from my grandparents, I never expected anything from them, but gifts small and large were what my grandmother loved to do. She did not shower us with stuff all the time, but she certainly enjoyed giving. So anyway, I got this thing and apparently my whole day, week, month was spent with this wheel barrel, my family thought it was the cutest thing ever. Don't believe me how ...

This is me and Julio in Greenfield Village when I was two. I do not remember much about this trip except one thing, getting lost. My mom says that I managed to wander away in a crowd and away from the family in a split second like kids often do. It wasn't as big of a deal back then because that was before predators and pedophiles. lol. But like I said, I remember being lost. I still remember that terrifying feeling of being alone, terrified as the crowd cleared and my family was no where to be found. I remember being at the end of a building, similar to this one and being completely alone and I was terrified. I'm sure my screaming and crying is how my mother found me, I could scream and cry with the best of them. I remember feeling the relief of seeing my family again, the warm hug after being found. That feeling is still inside of me. Now it's not always when there isn't anyone around, it sometimes happens in groups as well. Not as often as it used to, bu...

Not every family is lucky enough to have an Aunt Julie, I was pretty lucky. She was young enough to have the time to give us, she was energetic enough to put the effort in, and she was genuine enough to give us something to believe in. That's me she's holding obviously, I guess it was one of the nights she was watching me and my parents came home to find us sleeping. I was not an easy baby, I was constantly sick, constant ear infections, and very, very clingy. It took some energy to watch me, ask anyone that did it. lol. It wasn't until I was school age that things got even slightly easier for my parents. My mother said that as a child I used to sneak down stairs to their room at night after they moved me to my own room and would either crawl into bed with them or they would wake up and find me sleeping on the floor in the corner of their room. For awhile they gave up fighting it and put a fold away bed in the corner of their room for me. I told you I was a cli...

So early in our family we were linked with another cousin. My family seemed to multiply in pairs and sometimes threes. Each of us on my mom's side has a cousin that is within a year or so in age. It's freaky and makes me think things I don't want to think about when it comes to family. lol. So here is two examples. Julio is the blonde kid on the left and Gretchen is the girl on the right. They are a little over a year apart. Then there is me next to Julio and my cousin Jason to the right of me. We were born about a week apart, one in New Jersey and me in Ohio. Growing up our cousins were our friends, it's not to say we didn't all have friends outside of the family but our family used to get together a lot so it was always nice to be able to have your cousin by your side to play with. Jason and I were as close as we could be with so many miles between us, what helped in my case is that my cousin Andy who I've spoken about on here before was born less...

This is proof that my obsession with kitchen items goes all the way back! Granted I don't still chew on them.....for the most part. I could always be found as a child in that drawer constantly pulling out kitchen stuff, then after my sister was born and she started to get kitchen stuff I was all over that stuff like white on rice. Somewhere there is a picture of me a little older than this somewhere messing with my sister's toy kitchen. She could never even cook plastic food right, I always had to correct her. What's funny is for years I never had any interest in cooking. I loved food obviously, but was never into cooking for myself. I tried a few dishes when I was growing up with my mom's help, but never really got into it until I moved out on my own the second time. The first time I was just too poor and busy to worry about cooking anything, but I'll cover that when the pictures from that time frame comes up. I love to create and I guess that feeling ...

It's summer time!!! We waz livin large in Nappy! Check out the awesome pool. We were so popular everyone came over to enjoy the pool, it was like lifestyles of the rich and famous up in there. Seriously though, this was big time for us, we used that pool to the last inch of its life. That's me being held by non other than my aunt Julie. That is my uncle Jon in the back of the pool with the dark hair, my brother Julio is the very blond kid reaching into the pool, and I'm not really sure who the other two kids are, I think the girl standing up is my cousin Kathy, she is about Derek's age, but I have NO idea who the other blonde kid is. You can see all the diapers hanging on the clothes line behind the pool, back in the day when people still used cloth. The yard is looking kind of rough, but honestly I think there is something wrong with their yard because it has never really looked nice. No matter what my dad does to it, he just can't seem to get it right, i...

There are a basic ten things everyone should know about their debit/credit cards and I thought I would share this little bit of knowledge with you. 1. You do not own your card, it is property of the issuing bank and can be taken back, turned off, or destroyed at any time. Overdraft too much? They can shut it down, making crazy charges that look like fraud? They can shut it down. Depositing empty envelopes in the ATM? They will shut it down. It may be your money but it is their card they are allowing you to use. 2. Your activity is monitored 24 hours a day 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If we suspect someone has stolen your card, or if we think someone has counterfeited your card, we will shut it down. If this is going to be a problem, make sure your bank has all of your correct contact information because if we can't reach you, you have to wait until the bank is open to figure out why your card is not working. 3. Planning on traveling outside of the US? Take a moment an...

Ah yes, the day I arrived home from the hospital. Oh what a glorious day, the house was never the same again. That's my older brother there holding me, I've taken to calling him Julio thanks to Bethany. lol. He looks so happy to be that close to me doesn't he? It took another 21 years for him to smile that close to me again. lol. That's my grandma (mom's mom) to the left of me, beaming about her 5th grandchild in what would turn out to be a list of 20 grandkids. lol. That picture was taken in our living room. That couch lasted about another 6 years at least and that afghan is still in my parents house somewhere, maybe the attic. I believe there is also a piece of that blanket in the attic too, but I'm not sure they were the same thing, my blankey might have been from something else, I'll have to ask my mother. My brother and I had a rough time growing up with each other. We didn't get along very well as I'm sure most brothers don'...

Ah yes, another one from the day of my baptism. I apparently had changed into some more comfortable clothes for the party, I was a fashionista even then. Of course you'll notice, I'm once again sleeping. Being the life of the party is no easy task let me tell you. The man holding me is my uncle Denny, my dad's brother. Yes, I used the term uncle, which is strange as this was probably the last time we were really close. I never really talked to my uncle Denny all that much but I had no bad feelings towards him either. He and my aunt Betty were not able to have children and I just don't think he ever got used to being around small children much, especially as we were growing up, but he did think of us. When he and my aunt Betty built their house they built a house slightly bigger than they needed for themselves because they knew if anything ever happened to my parents it was in the will that they were to raise us. They considered that as they built their house...

O.K. so I can't post it on Facebook because the announcement at work has not been made, but I am not the one that got the supervisor position. I'm o.k. with it, I really am, I thought it was a shot in the dark anyway and I don't regret going for it. All this means is that this position is not right for me, at this time. In a company that is growing by leaps and bounds (we hired over 80 people this month) there will be plenty of opportunities and I'm o.k. waiting it out right now. I'm a little disappointed that I won't have the nice pay check, but it's really o.k. My boss's boss met with me in person to let me know and told me that I will make a great supervisor and she has no doubt in my abilities, she just had a candidate that had 8 years of actual fraud supervisory experience with a specialty in one of the systems that we actually use, and also had a great personality so she had to choose her. I told her I was o.k with that, I have been on both...

So I decided to finally get started on a little project I have been thinking about. I'm pulling photos from my past and going to do a post on them. We'll see how long I can keep this up, but I think it could be fun, I love old photos, well before I hit that awkward stage in my life...you know around the age of 5-present. lol. So here we go, hope you enjoy! The year was 1977, it was a warm spring day....well I don't really know what kind of day it was, but anyway I was born and here is a picture of my on the day I was baptized. I had three official sponsors, two of which are seen in this picture. The one on the left is my dad's sister Linda and the one of the right is my aunt Julie. Oh and that little cute adorable want to hug and him and squeeze him baby in Julie's arms? Yeah, that would be me. Not much has changed really right? :) My third sponsor who is not pictured is my aunt Bonnie who was not able to make the trip from New Jersey that wee...