Freedom comes from Confinement

 So 10 years has passed since my last blog entry. 10 long and crazy wonderful years.  While I struggle everyday with the passing of time I know I've grown so much in the last 10 years.  I have switched jobs multiple times, found myself in incredibly toxic places but fought my way out.  I have started meds to help balance the crazy and started therapy too.   I can't say that the feelings from that post 10 years ago are long gone but they are certainly kept at bay now.  Recently when my meds were not working I fell back into that mess, I didn't think I measured up in anyway but weight.  I felt as if I was failing my best friend in supporting her, failing at my job, failing at all friendships and I felt like I was sinking.  I was ready to to just disappear, that's not to say I was suicidal, I fear death above all else, but I wanted to just disappear into the background, sink into the ether and stop failing people.  I started looking into booking a cabin. A place I could di

For the last three days now I've been waking up early in a stressful ball of nerves.  My dreams have been waking me up, dreams about times and situations where I haven't been enough, and today of situations where I'm feeling like I'm not enough.  Three days now of my subconscious either reminding me of where I've failed or trying to get me to think about ways I'm doing it again. I awake and lay there trying to calm myself but it leads further down that path, if I awake from one situation my mind will start to wander down similar paths but different situations.  Today I woke up stressed out about my current job, not that the job is stressful but my mind is playing tricks on me during this time where I'm the supervisor, but not really the supervisor and what I need to do to show them I can do it without having the actual power or backup systems of being the supervisor.  My mind is trying to show me the ways I'm failing and when I wake up it reminds me ho

I have spent the last 6 months purposely working on my self esteem, especially when it comes to my own thoughts and my internal monologue.  I have been getting much better at not talking myself down and finding self worth in myself, appreciate myself and just generally being nicer to myself in the hopes that if I found love with myself, perhaps I would be ready to let others love me.  Six seconds into a conversation with a cute boy who was interested in at least getting to know something about me and I completely mentally melted down back into the person and the thoughts I was over six months ago.  I had problems keeping a conversation going because in my head I kept asking why a cute boy would talk to me, why he would even move seats to talk to me.  I couldn't understand anything that was happening.  I faked it as much as I could to keep the crazy on the inside, but I was just a hot mess inside.  Ug.  Why can't I just live in the moment and meet new people like the normals

So the last couple of weeks I started watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix. It's the usual campy lawyer, dumb girl gone smart show that overall was pretty predictable, but about three episodes in I was floored by the strong subtext in the show. There is this amazing sub story about the main character and how she finds this inner strength to carry herself with such confidence. The main character was born a thin supermodel, super might be stretching it, but you get the point, some things happen and she ends up in the body of an over weight smart lawyer. The sub context in this story line blew me away. I couldn't stop watching because of this whole thing. It's so hard to put into words, but I can still find it so amazing that big people can have this confidence and this attitude of "yeah, this is me, get over it and love it". I have been working on it and searching for it, and this show came along just at a time I was giving up on it. I know it's just a t.v

So I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and my sister after dinner one night just talking and catching up on this and that and we talked about one of my sister's best friends from high school. They roomed together the first two years of college and were as tight as two friends could be. They agreed on so much and talked about their very open minded ideas and such. Since then, said friend went to seminary and began working for a very fire and brimstone church in Columbus as a youth administrator of some sort and has since pretty much broken communication with my sister because of her crazy liberal agenda and that's what we were talking about. My sister had told us about this conversation they had in college about gay christians and how wrong the church had it and how closed minded it was. They were both good friends with a guy who was in seminary wanting to be a preacher for a church community who would never hire him because of his partner. She said they went on and o

So I guess it's been a few weeks ago now I finally took some time off. 9 whole days as a matter of fact. 9 whole days off of work, and still got paid. It's been quite awhile since I've done that, and it felt good. I battled for months over where to go, who to see, etc. I ended up making a list of the places I wanted to go and the people I wanted to see and then realized few people have time off during the week to visit and also had to list how long it had been since I had seen each person. Then there was the weather to take into consideration, there are trips that can be done over the winter (since starting in January I will have 17 days of vacation/Paid Time Off to use on my whim. I ended up planning a trip to Michigan. The plan was to drive up on Friday and stay with LeighAnn over the weekend, then I splurged and got a great hotel room about an hour north from there right on the lake for the night, and then head through Michigan on Monday and stop and see a few people, ha