Wednesday, November 9, 2011

T.V. Divas

So the last couple of weeks I started watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix. It's the usual campy lawyer, dumb girl gone smart show that overall was pretty predictable, but about three episodes in I was floored by the strong subtext in the show. There is this amazing sub story about the main character and how she finds this inner strength to carry herself with such confidence. The main character was born a thin supermodel, super might be stretching it, but you get the point, some things happen and she ends up in the body of an over weight smart lawyer. The sub context in this story line blew me away. I couldn't stop watching because of this whole thing. It's so hard to put into words, but I can still find it so amazing that big people can have this confidence and this attitude of "yeah, this is me, get over it and love it". I have been working on it and searching for it, and this show came along just at a time I was giving up on it. I know it's just a t.v. show and it's just a character, but the writing for this character had to come from somewhere and it's just simply amazing.

To top it off I started watching season 3 of Ru Paul's Drag Race, I hate that I love that show so much. In season three they have three big girls, a couple of them are really big, and they have this amazing attitude that I wish I could bottle up and take myself. It's just like confidence is jumping out at me right now in so much that I watch or observe. It's telling me that's it's possible to love who you are, no matter what size you are, and no matter who you are. It's odd that I find this concept so hard to grasp. I love the idea of having this confidence, it would show through in every avenue of life and can be infectious.

Over the next year I'm really going to start making a physical and mental effort to work on this confidence, this confidence to just shine and be who I am and love myself for it. I'm going to work on no apologies for who I am, no excuses for my body. I am who I am and it's just time to love it. If I love myself and believe in myself enough, who knows what kind of year it could be. I am this size because a smaller body could not handle my personality. :)

I'll get there, I just know it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Conversation

So I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and my sister after dinner one night just talking and catching up on this and that and we talked about one of my sister's best friends from high school. They roomed together the first two years of college and were as tight as two friends could be. They agreed on so much and talked about their very open minded ideas and such. Since then, said friend went to seminary and began working for a very fire and brimstone church in Columbus as a youth administrator of some sort and has since pretty much broken communication with my sister because of her crazy liberal agenda and that's what we were talking about.

My sister had told us about this conversation they had in college about gay christians and how wrong the church had it and how closed minded it was. They were both good friends with a guy who was in seminary wanting to be a preacher for a church community who would never hire him because of his partner. She said they went on and on about the changes that needed (and eventually were indeed changed) happen. Well she recently ran into her and they spoke for awhile and my sister was getting updated on her marriage and new baby (now nearly 2 years old) and such and talked a little about church, if she still enjoyed her church and the changes in our hometown church which evidentally drove her family out of our church. They started to debate it a little and said friend told my sister that she couldn't believe she could be a part of a church community that accepted "those homos" they would destroy the fabric of the church and go against the bible and so on and so forth. My sister at this point ended the conversation and pretty much wrote off the friendship at that point.

Well this is where it gets interesting because my Mom starts to speak up. I'm putting it in quotes but I can tell you it is probably not word for word, but it's very close because it still sticks in my mind.
"Did you ask her what she would say if Henry (her baby) were to tell her that he was gay? Does she think she would stop loving him because of something as silly as being gay? What kind of mother would that make her? What kind of church is she working at anyway? It doesn't seem like a very christian friendly church to me"

She spoke more on the subject just basically supporting the above statements and such and to be honest at first I didn't even catch on to what she first said, but as soon as the conversation ended and we were all headed off in different directions I had gotten in my car and just sat there for a minute as it hit me and started to sink in.

Did I really just hear that? Did that really just happen? Was this all a set up to get me to come out to them finally? I'm now convinced they both know and are slowly trying to get me to open up about it and they are now working on the comfort level to lay some ground work to make it easier. As I was driving to my next destination for the evening I kept hitting myself wondering why I didn't catch on earlier and just take that opportunity, to finally put it out there and be done with all this craziness in my head. I nearly cried just running that conversation over and over in my head and to be honest have done it a thousand times since that day.

To hear the sincerity in her voice, to see the concern and passion in her face, she knows, she just knows. It feels like another message, another building block in not so distant future new relationship we are laying the ground work for without actually saying it. It still nearly brings me to tears. I haven't talked about it with anyone because it's just been bouncing around in my head trying to process and trying realize the depth of that conversation and what it means to me and how that will affect the timeline of how this goes, but it certainly brings me a little more comfort.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Vacation

So I guess it's been a few weeks ago now I finally took some time off. 9 whole days as a matter of fact. 9 whole days off of work, and still got paid. It's been quite awhile since I've done that, and it felt good. I battled for months over where to go, who to see, etc. I ended up making a list of the places I wanted to go and the people I wanted to see and then realized few people have time off during the week to visit and also had to list how long it had been since I had seen each person. Then there was the weather to take into consideration, there are trips that can be done over the winter (since starting in January I will have 17 days of vacation/Paid Time Off to use on my whim. I ended up planning a trip to Michigan. The plan was to drive up on Friday and stay with LeighAnn over the weekend, then I splurged and got a great hotel room about an hour north from there right on the lake for the night, and then head through Michigan on Monday and stop and see a few people, have dinner at my favorite restaurant and then head to my parents for the remainder of the vacation. Things changed a bit because I went with the flow and just tried to enjoy as much time with people as I could.

The 6 hour drive wasn't as bad as I was thinking it could have been but I made it up there and no soon than I parked my car we were pretty much headed out to the bar to meet some of her friends. I had only met one of these friends before but they were a great group of people. We spent the evening having drinks at their favorite dive bar with a really cute waiter who wore an amazing pair of blue camo boxer briefs, how do I know you might ask? Well he showed us, it was just that kind of fun night. lol.

Saturday we met up with some more friends to watch the Michigan/Michigan State game at a sports bar by her house and much fun was had. That night we had the Zombie Apocalypse party. It's quite the conversation that has led to this party, but it went well. We had a brain shaped jello mold loaded with vodka, brain shaped rice crispy treats, and some really bad zombie movies. At the beginning of the party each person was given 2 bait cards. As we watched and critiqued the zombie movies and what the survivors were doing wrong, if someone said something stupid you gave them your bait card and at the end of the night whoever had the most bait cards was going to be our zombie bait so the rest of us could get away.

Well needless to say, 1 simple comment and I got like 12 bait cards at once. All I said was "Hey, that zombie's pretty cute, could I keep him tied up as my pet?" I mean really if he's tied up what harm could come to anyone in the compound? Yeah, I guess I deserved them, but we laughed so hard all night long. She has some pretty amazing and very cute friends, yes I may have flirted a bit, but it wasn't going to get me anywhere so it was harmless.

Sunday she treated me to her famous New Mexico style enchiladas that she used to make me when we were in college, I love them and hadn't had one in so long. It was amazing. Throughout the weekend we decided that I would head north for the night and then come back and pick her up and we would go to Detroit together and make it a road trip as it was also her favorite restaurant. I knew it would be a ton more fun driving to Detroit if I had company, especially her and I.

So Sunday I was in Muskegon, Michigan. The hotel was beautiful, the room was great, but there is NOTHING in Muskegon, NOTHING. It didn't matter much I had a king suite with a jacuzzi, so I didn't need to leave the room. I enjoyed some much needed me time and some great naked hot tubing gazing out over the lake as I sipped on my beverage. It was very relaxing and well worth the money, which was an amazing discount since it was off season.

Monday and I went and picked her back up and we drove to Detroit and got to eat at our favorite place, and even took two to go orders back with us, two a piece. lol. We drove by some of our old favorites, we walked through campus which was so creepy to me, it's so different and while it sometimes feels like yesterday was creepy to realize I graduated from there 9 years ago already. Oh but we had some laughs. On the way back to her place (2 1/2 hours away) we stopped and saw an old friend of mine and had dinner with her between classes and had a good time and then headed back to GR.

I had planned on heading to my parents but our road trip conversations had just hit an ultimate depth level and I wasn't ready to leave so I decided to stay another night. We hung out with her friend Cara for awhile and then I finally fell asleep. Tuesday I drove to my parents and spent the rest of the week/weekend catching up with so many people and running around like crazy from place to place trying to cram in as much as I could in 5 days. I did pretty good and didn't get any messages from people upset that I wasn't visiting them, of course I think they got the hint last time. I have priorities when I visit the old home front, my family and those that think enough of me to call/text/email/facebook with me in the year that I had been gone. I realized over the last year I had too many "friendships" that were totally one sided and I just stopped worrying about them so much.

I had a great vacation, so much laughing and catching up with people. I even hit up the club on Tuesday night with some of the old club goers and had a dragalicious night as always. I did realize though that I enjoy my time off more if I'm with people. While I enjoyed my time in Muskegon just relaxing and doing nothing, I had really wished I had brought people with me. I get bored pretty easily now if there isn't something to be done, but I managed o.k and learned that for next time.

I felt bad for the directions I wasn't able to go this time, but there are just so many people that I care about and care about me in all different directions, it's so difficult to manage a trip to them all in such a short time. I plan on extended weekends all throughout next year to hit up those that I missed, because I really did/do miss them. You know who you are.

I will probably not do another 9 days stretch again as it really screws up my paycheck, no third shift premium, no overtime, it was just not good, but I don't regret it, I just learned from it and enjoyed it all the same.

There was an interesting conversation that I heard at my parents when I was there, though that is tomorrow's blog post, that little morsel I've been chewing on and processing since.

Anytime anyone wants to have a Zombie apocalypse party though, just let me know because it was hilarious!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I've said it once, I've said it twice....

Oh how I have some great posts just waiting to be written, I just don't make the time to actually sit at the computer to write them and it's so hard to type a post on my phone, but they are coming I promise!

Oh such good ones! There is vacation, a tid bit I've been chewing on and processing since vacation, the kitchen remodel, mind blowing television with strong subtexts, oh so many. Maybe with a teaser I'll make a little time to get them out of my head.

Soon, until then, I must sleep, although I've slept most of the last three days away, but that's besides the point.

Until then loves.


wow, since when am I british?