Monday, January 31, 2011

Time for some honesty

It might be time for a little honesty here, honesty for you and a little for me as well.

Part of my funk recently has been a little bit of being homesick. It sounds crazy to me, but the more I think about it the more I realize it. I haven't been back "home" for going on 5 weeks. Doesn't sound like much but it's actually the longest I've been away from that place.....ever. When I lived in Michigan I was back there at least once a month if not more.

I know, it's insane that I didn't live there for nearly 8 years and I was still there so much. I've stuck to my guns and have been sticking around home and it's nice, but at the same time it's withdraw. I do miss my family and part of their daily lives, I miss some of my friends terribly, but I'm starting to deal with the fact that I can't be there for everything anymore, I can't be a part of their daily lives anymore. The transition is just not as easy as I thought it should be.

But I guess that's a good thing, if it's not easy that means there really was something there, it wasn't friendships of convenience. I'll get through it just fine, I have no doubts about that, but sometimes when I get a little lonely the feeling creeps up on me and makes me long for familiarity. It could also be me freaking out about newness as well.

Oh well, what can one do? lol.

Friday, January 28, 2011

6 months

Yes, I realized tonight that it has now been 6 months that I've been living down here. I can't believe it's gone by so fast! I don't regret a minute of it and am still incredibly happy I made that decision oh so long ago. I remember how less than a year ago it felt like it was just never going to happen and that I would die in that small town.

The stress of moving down and not having a job. The finances of the store hanging over my head while I was trying to get settled in down here and still deal with the closing up there. Oh the headaches, but it was so much easier to take here. I have no idea what I did those two or three weeks I was unemployed, but I needed them.

The stress of interviews and job searching that seemed a bit overwhelming at the time went so well and while I didn't find the best job, it was the best job at that time and it worked out very well. I enjoyed my time at O.M. and was able to sort through a lot of emotional work related baggage there, it was refreshing.

It's funny how fast time goes. 6 months and my roommate hasn't killed me. 6 months and I am still loving every minute of it.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Oh the Drag Show

So yes on Saturday I got to go out with the roommate and some new friends from work. We went to a gay club called Adonis to see the drag show. The club was really nice and it was huge. I was not expecting either. Now some of the previous bars I've been too have been shady but not really dirty or anything, but this place has big comfy chairs, a fireplace, a pool, a HUGE dance floor and a huge area for the shows. It was a really nice place and we had a blast!

You can read roommies blog here for the things that could be over heard at different times that night that kept us laughing. Her memory is a lot better than mine, I may or may not have had one too many drinks. I was not falling down but I was certainly in no shape to drive, I could have been buy my roommate volunteered to drive home so I indulged a bit. :)

The actual drag show was the longest show I've ever seen. My "usual" bar would have three performers, a break and then the same three performers. I couldn't even tell you how many performers there were on Saturday, 5, maybe 6? It just kept going, I believe they each did two songs but it was pretty awesome. The beginning was kind of slow compared to the show I was used to, but the end started picking up, the head dresses, the Madonna Vogue get up, it was all just so awesome!

We all seemed to have a great time, I got to spend time with these new people out of work finally and had a great time with only minor drama between two of them, but oh well, I kind of expect drama when there are people there barely old enough to drink. We kept it to a minimum and I continued to have a good night. Yes, before you ask, I did get out on the dance floor and danced it up for awhile with the girls from work, some of who had no idea I was gay until that night, the other half knew the minute they met me. I guess I'm confusing. lol.

The night was a blast and ended with the roommie and I hitting the waffle house and getting home just before 4am. I can't do that a lot because I'm getting just to old, but man that's fun to do once in awhile. We are already starting to plan our next outing, not sure where too yet, but probably something a little less "over the top". lol.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Ug.

So I moved down here and have since in a rather short amount of time lost over 40 pounds and 2 pant sizes. It nearly melted off of me and it happened without thought or effort. I was getting used to it and thought how wonderful it was.

What I didn't expect was when it stopped falling off of me, how hard it would be to continue losing. It's proving to be harder than I thought and is going to require me to work so much harder.

I really wish there was just some kind of motabolism shot I could take so my body would catch up to my mind. lol.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Big Gay Musical

For those of you interested I felt it was worth the watch. It was not overly well done, but I liked it. I thought it was still worth watching.

One thing that really hit me was towards the end of the movie was a line that was said. I won't go into who said it or how it was said because you really have to watch the movie to understand but here it is: "This book was written by man, interpreted by man, and abused by man" It really is something I've been trying to figure out how to say for a long time.

I do realize there are many people that would not agree with talking about the bible like this, but I've been trying to put my finger on this subject for quite sometime.

I battle it with myself and still working on it, but I had to put it out there.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Shame

I was standing outside of church the other day smoking a cigarette waiting on the boys to pick me up and suddenly was confronted with shame. Not shame by other people but suddenly I felt personally shameful for smoking. I don't know why because it's a legal substance, I was out of the way, away from other people. No one said anything to me, no one looked at me funny, I just felt ashamed and I didn't understand why. I know much of it is what society tells you, what society instills in us.

At one time smoking was expected. Everyone smoked on t.v., on airplanes, in schools, it was just the norm. I know the health risks, it's not like no one every talks about the health risks, I just get annoyed when I feel ashamed.

I also feel ashamed when I go into a restaurant as a fat person. I feel like all eyes are on me judging me for eating in general because I have enough fat on my body to sustain me for months before I would starve. It's times like this that I try to blend into the back ground, there have been times I order a salad because I feel they won't judge me as much, times I change my order so I don't have the biggest meal at the table. Internally I change so much based on what I think others are thinking if they look at me. I know how crazy it sounds, but it's what goes on in my head.

I have let other people tell me for so long that it's shameful to be so fat, it's shameful to smoke, I should be ashamed for enjoying drag shows and going to gay bars and for being gay. I'm shocked at how much shame washes over me at different times. Not even by anyone saying anything, not by anyone looking at me, or anything, just my own mind telling me what a shameful life I live.

I've decided I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm tired of hiding behind these internal walls I've built over so many years. I'm picking some of these scars like a crazy person because I'm ready for them to bleed, I'm ready to bleed out the infection that is inside. I want my blood to flow clean, for my mind to flow freely and to stop thinking that everything I am is wrong. I'm over thinking that everything in my life should be a secret, or be hidden from certain people.

The question of the day is....If I'm so ready to let it all go and just be who I am and really love myself for everything I am and everything I do....then why oh why am I so terrified of it all?

I guess I'm just not as ready to live it as I am ready to write it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Personal Responsibility

I had issues with this many, many years ago and someone finally mentioned to me how I never accept responsibility for my own actions and always place the blame elsewhere. I had never realized it until someone pointed it out to me and from that day forward I started to drive myself crazy! lol.

I began to take notes and realize that I was passing the blame onto so many other people or situations or who knows what else and never accepting my actions or repercussions to my actions. I've worked really hard over the last several years battling with who was to blame for what was happening in my life. I had to take stock in my decisions and realize that some of the bad things that were happening, or the bad paths I was venturing down were my own doing. I couldn't blame my weight on my parents, I made those bad food choices myself. Was I educated? no, but no one was stopping me from asking questions or following through with weight loss programs. No one was forcing me from exercising, or getting off my fat butt and working on the problem. Fast food did not make me fat, me eating the food made me fat.

The more I accepted the more it aggravated me to hear other people. It really hit me recently with the shooting in Tucson. People were blaming the shooting on the crazy right wing, or because of some map posted by Palin. Seriously? These people were shot by a crazy person making choices of his own. You can't blame a map for murder, you can't blame the person thousands of miles away who created a map. The only person to be blamed is the shooter. What ever was happening in his life, whatever the circumstances, he made that decision. The decision was made by one person.

Some could argue influences, but really, if a map can influence normal everyday citizens to shoot people, then we've got some major problems. People have reached their limits with politics and are taking it to another level that I could not recognize. I have reached my level with politics and have chosen to put it out of my mind. We give that authority to let it go to that level. We have let these people get this over inflated sense of ego, that they control us. I don't have the answers, I don't know who has the answers, all I know is that this is going to get worse before it gets better. I said many years ago there will be another revolution not too long away. I don't know when and I don't know what will be the breaking point, but it's getting there.

I listen to these crazy law suits, I listen to people at work, I read these stories on the Internet (which all true right?), and all I think is that if people would stand up and take responsibility for their own actions this world could be a much different and better place. I listen to people complain all day long in the banking industry about how we're taking their money, how it's our fault they don't have money and while the banking industry as a whole does have it's problems I can tell you that I've been dealing with my own finances for the last 17 years and the problems I've had were my own doing. It's so much healthier and less stressful to just accept your mistakes and learn from them instead of screaming at innocent people and blaming them for problems you created yourself.

Think about how wonderful customer service could be if the industry was able to spend their time helping people in tough situations instead of spending all of their time calming people down over situation they created for themselves.

To be honest it's time for us all to pull up our big boy/girl pants and get the heck over it and move on. Life is too short to be spending so much time being angry and hateful to people that are not to blame.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I gotta be me.

During my funk last week I really got to thinking about a lot of things and one of those things was a comment I heard at my celebration dinner. I remember Jake making a statement about me finding myself. I remember at the time all I could think was that I had found myself and that's what brought me here. But lately I've realized that I really have no idea who I am.

So I started to wonder what it was to be who you are? Who am I? My roommate reminded me during a conversation that everything I was before was so measured and thought out because of the oppression of a crazy work schedule, the oppression of being in the closet, the fear of being found out, and I figured out it really did have a huge affect on who I am and who I thought I was.

The thought alone drove me crazy and blew my mind. It was really part of my funk, and I was surprised I had never noticed it. I stopped working my second job for only a week and was already confronted with this overwhelming feeling of being lost. I finally had the time to sit and think about life and what my life was or what it's meant to be without all the extra hours, without all the fear and stress. I realized I have no idea who I am.

Removing myself from much of the stress and situations I have gone a bit over board with a few things. Putting pictures of half naked men on my computer felt like an accomplishment. Commenting on men I thought were hot felt weird to say out loud, but it felt freeing so I made those comments, a lot. Is it who I am? I'm not sure. It's all an adjustment period, but it's a period where I start to think about who I am and where I feel my life should be going.

Do I want to be a slut? Kind of yes, but it's really not in my blood or my heart. lol. I do want to find love, but I feel like I need to date in order to find that love. Novel idea don't you think? What do I enjoy doing with my free time? I spend an awful lot of time watching t.v. and I really need to start rethinking that plan. I need to get motivated and start working on my time management. I have a hard time thinking it's o.k. to sit still for too long. Not so much because of other people, but because of me.

I'm in a new town and starting to make a new life for myself. It's a hot mess in my mind right now thinking about all of this. I think I need to sort it out and work on each item individually. I need to straighten out my finances which is what I have started working on. I have some old debts that need to be paid and I need to start planning for a future. The one thing I haven't had in a long time is financial security. If something were to happen I have nothing of my own to fall back on and I need to fix that.

One of the other things I need to sort out is a church home. Don't get me wrong, I love attending B's church. The people are wonderful, the sermons are great, it really is a great church and I do enjoy my time there, but honestly I don't feel at home there. Some would think I just haven't spent enough time there, but honestly I'm just not getting out of it what I think I should be. I am really searching for a church similar to what I experienced at Franklin Circle when I visited Cleveland. It's so hard to explain to anyone else how different it feels than any other church, but a few would know just by hearing me talk about it.

There is just so much I want to experience and I need to grab this life by the horns and start working on that. My social life is something I want to work on too. I love nights at home watching t.v. and laughing with my rommate but some nights I need to get out of the house and talk to people, see things, and experience life. I do know that spending quality time with people I love, resting at home and quiet nights are part of life too, I just seem to be missing something, something I know is here, something so close I could nearly reach out and touch it, but I just haven't found it yet.....YET.

I don't know where life is taking me, I don't know if my job is right for me yet, I don't know if these new people will be around for a long time, but I know that if I don't try it or experience things, I won't ever know.

I have a long way to go in my life, on this journey, but I really am enjoying it, no matter how nerve wreckingly crazy it can be. I wouldn't trade it for a boring life at any time. :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Time out!

O.k. it's not a time out like I was bad, it's more about a time out and about! I've been talking about a night out with some new friends from work for quite awhile now. I brought up the idea of catching a drag show and everyone loved it so we're going on Saturday! I'm so excited to venture out to a club again.

I've been building relationships with people from work and it's been really good. Erin and I clicked from day one, it's like we are the same person, I love friends like that. I have many of them and I love to build the collection. Not only am I excited to spend more time with these new people in my life, I'm excited because we're all going to a gay club. I haven't been in so long and I can't wait. With what I know about the people I'm going with so far I can tell it's going to be such a fantastic time!

I don't like to go out a lot, but once in awhile I surely enjoy it!!! I'll let you all know how it goes. :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I was on such a good track

I was doing so well posting every day and that lasted what, not even a week?

Yeah, sorry about that. The last few days I haven't even commented on posts, blogger has been giving me fits, but it seems to be better today.

I've also had a couple of down days. I talked with the roommie about it and I still just can't put my finger on it. So much has been running around in my head and I can't seem to make much sense of anything at this point. There are just so many changes that have happened and I think it may be messing with the chemical make up of my mind.

I mean I'm only working one job, a mere 40 hours a week. I'm home every night after work now and eating dinner at a regular time. I'm in a new job that I'm still adjusting to, changed my diet, and so on and so forth. I think it's just all settling in and creating a hot mess in my head.

But I'm getting there with some great counseling from the roommie and just some deep thoughts. I'm getting there and really trying to figure out, who is it that I really am and just trying to let myself figure it out and be that person.

who knew?

Monday, January 10, 2011

It weighs heavily on my heart

I feel something weighing on my heart. It's tugging at the few bits of logic remaining in my head and seems to be kicking me recently. With all these changes and I feel there are more trying to start, I feel as if God is knocking on my head once again, you know, like in those movies where they knock on their head and it sounds like an empty piece of wood? Yeah, that's what it is like right now.

I don't really want to, nor do I think I can talk about it right now. I will say this to clear up any panic attacks awaiting, I'm not planning on moving anywhere new or changing my living situation. lol. I just have an issue that is running circles in my mind and tugging at my heart, tugging at my brain and really making me think.

I don't know of it's possible, I don't know how long it would take but I feel myself leaning into the decision, and yet as I start leaning, other things are being knocked loose upstairs and changes my thought pattern so it makes me wonder if I'm really ready to move towards this decision or not, could it be my indecisiveness, my impatience, or the fact I haven't really prepared to think this all out.

Just to be clear once more....I'm still gay, I'm not moving, and I am not planning world domination at this point in time.

:)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Year end review at the beginning

O.k. so I'm a little behind on this idea but I wanted to talk about the year 2010. I was going to do it on New Year's eve but I worked until 6pm, then had dinner and then went to watch movies, and then was entertained by a roommate that had a bit much to drink, something that doesn't happen a lot and was highly entertaining. lol. Excuses excuses. lol.


So looking back I realize I started last year dealing with my mother being rushed to the E.R. for chest pains and the tough decisions involved with situations like that in the future. It was a rough start to the year being faced with the mortality of my dear mother. Turns out she was just fine and got a clean bill of health, but it was a tough start regardless. I also spent some time with Leigh Ann in Michigan watching bad movies with some really hot actors and commented a bit on them. lol.


Around that same time I was busy working with a potential buyer to finally buy my business. By this time it was already a part time thing with full time bills. It was a tough time with some excitement wrapped in stress in it. It was a crazy time and to be honest at this point I have a hard time remembering that time in my life. If I really think about it and read back on my posts I can put myself back into that mind frame and the turmoil and stress that was built in to each post. I keep talking to the scream telling myself that it's going to work out better than I could imagine in the end. I also declared my love for Queen Latiffa, a love that still holds strong. lol.


I spent some time in a very bad place. I started to imagine a new life without the business and was overwhelmed with the idea of life without it. There were some pretty dark posts but it was also the time of my first vacation that I spent here in Cinci working on the place with my future roommie. I remember how far it felt, how long I had been wishing for it and just how far away it seemed yet at that point. I hate thinking back to that time, I remember the thoughts and how hard it was. I also posted some lovely high school poems, oh what a time. lol.


Oh looking back at the month of April I am reminded to my birthday celebration where we went to see the strippers. lol. What an interesting night out. I was also dealing quite a bit with the appraisal of the building and the stress that went along with that. The month of April seemed to have been a rough time, for some reason my birthday wasn't the easiest to deal with last year. I fought with myself quite a bit last year. I told some stories, started to deal with my boy craziness. I really had a hard time towards the end of month being paralyzed in fear from the most basic thoughts.


Shortly there after I started reflecting on the store and it's past and my time with it and the good things, the good moments I had at that place with people I loved. I had some very good times, one of which was my amazing trip to Cleveland, oh what a time I had. I hope to repeat the trip soon, I know it will be just as amazing. There was a lot of good, a lot of realizing that happened and eye opening experiences and insight into my future and how great it could be. It was also the time I decided to create this blog that was all my blogs combined into one. It has been good ever since, but what a time that was.


Around this time I was finally able to close my business and turn it over. The sale was not complete but we made our own deal and it was nice to not have the business anymore. I was busy packing and dealing with the business operating right next to me, without me for the first time in five years. I also dealt with a return trip to Michigan to pay my respects to a dear sweet woman that passed away, a friend of mine, for no matter how brief a time. I still think of you Patty.


Then finally, there was the move. After all the preping, all the packing, all the planning, I finally moved to Cinci to begin a new life. It was glorious and still is. I often can't imagine how long I've already lived here because it doesn't seem like that long ago. There was a few last nights out with friends and the final pack. I can remember it like yesterday, the feeling of packing up the trailor, the feeling of leaving that house with just a few things left in the house. The feeling of leaving and finally being free.

During the time after it was all about unpacking, adjusting, oh and that whole job search, oh what a joy that was. I remember the first week being unemployed freaking out, and honestly thinking back to that time I still freak out a little. IT was an adjustment while I was living here at the beginning and also carrying the store and running back and forth awaiting closing. I think it was the longest month of my life, but I survived. I started at Office Max and enjoyed the job, the pay was minimal but the people and the place was enjoyable and I could pay the bills.

It was also that time I was fighting between continuing on the interview path with Speedway and moving forward with my job at the bank and I think I ultimately took the better of the two. I find it so funny that while some of my thoughts changed when I moved down here I really don't notice that big of a change until after we closed on the store deal.

The following months were much of the same, had a great dinner with the boys and local friends, got my new job and the wonders of starting over. The people I've met are amazing and I wish I had more time to spend with them but at a call center there isn't much interaction with your coworkers, you take breaks at different times and even work slightly different work schedule's. Oh well, it's an adjustment I guess, one I'm learning to deal with.

Overall, I was talking to Bethany about it tonight, the year end recap could be easily broken down into this:
I started the year trying to make some changes, I was unhappy and miserable. I did some stuff, months went on, I moved and was followed by happiness.

Why didn't I just type that into the beginning? Seriously?
Oh well.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I thought I saw you today.

I thought I saw you today, but it turns out it was someone that just reminded me of you. The same piercing eyes, the same charisma, and while it was only at a distance I was reminded of you today. So often you start to fade from my memory, I kind of welcome that feeling because I know I hold on to these memories, these ideas and these dreams and it's just not good. I know we would have never been together, I know that we only really knew each other such a short amount of time and it's all completely irrational. I'm probably even romanticizing the smallest amount of friendship I'm sure we shared, but I miss you.

You had a way about you. Your smile would still melt me, listening to you talk was my favorite part of my day. You were so passionate about people, about life, about so many things. I often sit and remember the few moments we shared together, I could never quite put my finger on it, but you were just something special to me. I wouldn't get crazy enough to say I loved you, but I felt as if I could have.....very easily.

These days when I'm reminded of you are good because in that short amount of time we didn't have any bad times, it was all good. While I enjoy remembering you it also hurts to remember you're gone now, you're not around, you left and I don't even know where you are anymore. You are out living your life just like I told you that you should. You picked yourself up and found the confidence you needed to move on to bigger and better things, you owe me nothing, you never did, but I miss you so much sometimes.

I so often have thought over these last few years what I would say to you if I had one more chance. I often wondered what I had to lose if I told you, if I told you how much you meant to me, and just how crazy it all sounds. I know there is nothing rational about you anymore in my head and you won't keep me from moving forward because I'd like to find someone like you that could love me the way I need to be loved. It's unfair in so many ways, but hey, that's life, that's my life. No matter how much I want to know more about what you're doing, I feel it's best like this.

This year I'm starting over, just like I told you I was going to. I finally made it, you weren't around to celebrate with me like we talked about, but that's o.k. I'm going to start taking care of myself and treat myself like you told me I should have been doing from the beginning, but I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing this for me. I know that if I start to take care of myself, I might really start to love myself and through that process, allow others to love me too.

I hope you are out doing everything you wanted to do, I hope you are finding happiness and living life to the fullest and believing in yourself. I meant it when I said you were special, different than the rest, I said it because you are.

And I miss you.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The contradiction of change

I love change, don't get me wrong. I enjoy moving furniture a lot, I enjoy breaking out of ruts, I enjoy moving (well not the actual moving part), I enjoy so much about change. The new scenery, the new people, the new everything. I get so lost in the euporhia of the change it isn't until I'm knee deep into it that I realize just how terrifying it is.

When I first decided to move to Michigan, I had my mind set, there was just not stopping me. I wanted to go back to school, and I just kept pushing forward without even thinking of it too much. Day after day, decision after decision I just kept moving forward. It wasn't until I had moved my stuff and my parents had gone away and I was driving around trying to find different things in the are when I completly fell apart and wondered what in the hell I thought I was doing. I remember sitting in my car balling because I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know anyone, I didn't know where anything was, I knew nothing about what I was doing and it terrified me to no end. I pulled myself together to figure it out, but I was a bit of a mess for awhile, not on the outside, but inside I was filled with doubt and anxiety.

When I interviewed this past summer for the position I currently have, they described the job to me, the told me what to expect, I checked the place out, got the tour and everything. I was sure I could do it, I was sure it would be perfect (I know, I hadn't figured out there is no such thing as perfection lol). The further we got into training the more I overwhelmed I got. Actually within the first day my head was spinning from being so overwhelmed. Even today I get nautious sometimes as I fight my way through learning so much so quickly and accepting the fact that I don't know everything. This job is nothing, and I mean NOTHING like anything else I've ever done in my life and it's changed so much I'm still having a hard time adjusting, even after 2 months +.

Recently in the last two weeks I have joined a gym and gotten a smart phone. Now keep in mind my last cell phone didn't even have a camera on it. My last phone I had only had for the 6 months or so, before that it had been just over 4 years since I had a cell phone. I used to think I was pretty hot stuff when it came to cell phones. I knew the tricks, I had the tips, and I had the smarts to do nearly anything I needed to with any phone. Sometime around the time the palms came out I lost track and before I knew it people were surfing the internet on the phone....really? I remember when I was in COLLEGE and I had a hard time finding anyone I knew with an "e-mail" account to correspond with for my computer class, and now people are surfing the net on their cell phones? Seriously I was so overwhelmed I kind of just shook my head and agreed with whatever the roommate thought was best.

Price I knew I could follow and make decisions based on price, but as far as the type and capabilities of the phones? yeah, I had no clue. From the moment the salesman handed me my new phone until now I am still so confused by the thing. There are some of the most basic functions that I'm still working on learning about, you know, like how to make a call. lol. The internet I've got, and for the most part the thing is pretty easy to figure out, but I'm just saying. The phone is totally smarter than I am. I know that I have only begun to tap into the smartness of this phone and it makes me feel so stupid. I love it, but yet I am/was so terrified and clueless!

The other big one has been the gym. I have never joined a gym before for countless reasons I can't even begin to cover at the moment, but I decided that with two of us doing this it would be a good time to do it. Touring the gym and every moment since thinking about actually moving forward with this plan has been so overwhelming. The machines are one thing, working out in front of strangers is one thing, learning what work out does what, learning what to strengthen, what to build, I'm so confused and so completely overwhelmed not only by the gym jargin, but mainly by the idea of actually having to do some pretty hard work going forward.

It's the idea of committing to myself, committing to putting in some really hard work for myself, for my health, for my future, and because I owe it to myself to finally care. I'm overwhelmed at the time it's going to take and the work that is required to get me where I want to be, where I want to go. Making this commitment of time, and energy, it's just crazy to think about!

I love change, but it's so terrifying at the same time. It involves grownup conversations, grown up commitments, and so much more. My head has been swirling for a couple of weeks now with so much going on and so much changing it's been hard to wrap my head around. I seem to be losing myself in the mix and it makes me question whether that is even a bad thing?.? I was so unhappy with who I used to be, that maybe leaving that person behind could be just what I need, and yet I freeze in an anxiety attack state when confronted by the change. I always talk about being ready for something new, something exciting and yet it creates such a feeling of anxiety, you know, like a panic attack? j/k.

I try to act like I have it all together, I try to let people think that it's no big deal and yet inside of my head it's a bigger deal than anyone else could possibly consider it, even when blowing it out of proportion, it can't hold a match to the craziness that's created inside of my head. lol. Nothing based on reason, logic or even clear thought, just pure random craziness. Yes, it's all right there just behind my eyes, the only thing bouncing around my two ears is a padded room of crazy. ;) But I guess that's what makes me so much fun.

I am ready for change, I have been putting this into motion for so long, I am going to do it, I'm going to survive, part of this change is accepting the newness of the changes and moving forward with confidence, or at least moving forward under my own free will would be a nice start. Maybe the confidence can come later.....maybe?

Life is good and it keeps moving forward in such a good direction. I'm enjoying the ride, I really am, as long as I can keep that anxiety inside everyone around me will survive this as well. ;)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Confidence.

I think I've titled a post by this name before but to be honest I'm too lazy to go and look it up. lol.

I've dealt a lot with confidence as of late and it's been one hell of a struggle I must say. My whole life I've lacked confidence and the older I get the more I realize how much of a difference confidence can make in my every day life. The shoes I think that are so awesome that I don't buy because I tell myself I couldn't pull the look off. The hair style I don't try because I tell myself people like me don't get daring with their looks, they blend in and don't stand out. If you stand out people might want to talk to you, or possibly even talk about you.

I've lived my life so far in these dark corners, trying desperately to blend in with the carpet, or the wall paper, or whatever I could to not be noticed. I believe it takes confidence to walk into a room full of people you don't know, even if you know one person, just walking into that crowd takes confidence. Did I mention that this situation terrorizes me to within an inch of hysterics? It's completely crazy when I look at it from the outside, but from within me I am paralyzed in the situation.

There has been much discussion with me at work in regards to confidence. Much of my job entails getting customers to trust me and trust in what I have to say. I not only have to say the answer, I have to believe the answer is right, even if I know it could be wrong. It's crazy but that is so hard for me to accomplish. I have tried for weeks and I'm starting to get the hang of it, but it's a very slow process. I very rarely say anything with confidence. I'm either afraid of being wrong, or even worse, upsetting people.

To me confidence is the thing I admire the most. It's the thing I notice, it's the thing that attracts me to others, it's what I admire in others. Most of my friends are confident people, some of them don't believe it, but they are, and if they really aren't? Well they are certainly good at faking it. It's just something I admire so much and require from friendships. Perhaps if I'm around it enough it will start to rub off on me.

I rarely talk to strangers unless required, which makes meeting new people very difficult. I'm cautious about so much in my life because I lack the confidence I feel is required for the situation. This whole post is ironic if I take a step back and look at myself and the things I've done in my life, but to me I don't always see it. Yes I moved away from everyone I know to go back to school at the age of 21. Yes I bought a business at the age of 28 that I had no idea how to run, and yes I moved again at the age of 33. I have done some pretty crazy things when I think about it, but I don't feel that any of them required confidence, maybe stupidity, but not always confidence.

Each small decision I second guess myself. I find it so hard to make a decision sometimes because I never know what's behind that decision. What are the repercussions of that decision, will someone be upset? Will someone be put out? If it's just me, o.k. I can make the decision, but put even just one more person with me and I become a hot mess in making a decision.

Where does confidence stem from? Where does it come from? Who instills it in you? Is it genetic? Is it environmental? What is it and where does it come from? Can it be a learned behavior?

It's just something that's been bouncing around in my head recently.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

a piece from my heart

Today (weeks ago actually) while sitting in church I was shaken a bit, I was forced to look back on a life, a life and a time that made me angry, to force myself to look back at that anger, to admit it to myself and forced me to ask forgiveness, and yet I find it hard to because it's a constant battle in my mind.

He showed a clip of the end of a football game where the player dropped the ball, it was the last play and caused the team to lose the big game, forgive the vagueness of the story, I had no idea for sure what or who it was. lol. It's not the clip that got me, it was the tweet of his that was repeated, speaking to God and basically, I worship you and live for you and this is how you do me? It's a paraphrase because I don't remember the exact phrase, but you get the idea. The discussion was around that, how we try to manipulate God, how sometimes we can expect good things for the good work we've done.

I flashed back to the lonely nights leading up to the day I finally accepted that I was gay and it wasn't worth fighting anymore. I remember those nights before, sitting on my couch amongst the mental anguish, amongst a terrible situation I started to create for myself, amongst all the emotional baggage crying out to God. I can still hear the voice in my head. Dear God! I have lived as you wanted, I treat people kindly, I've lived the 10 commandments, I have lived a good life and you burden me with this, this piece of me that will officially outcast me from everything and everyone I love. You took normalcy away from me, you put me into this life of persecution, this life of danger, you put me into a situation for people to hate me. Why? Why would you do this to me.

It was shortly there after I finally accepted in my heart and my mind that it was who I was and I could no longer fight it. I could no longer run from it, it was too big to shy away from. I still fought with God every day though, fighting about the repercussions of being a christian and accepting I was gay too. I would sit bitterly in church and stare at the people in my congregation judging them based on things in my own head and slowly turning from them. I drew myself away from church, I drew myself away from the bible (which to be honest has never been a strong suit for me), I turned my back on everything God was putting in front of me, everything he tried to tell me, I just kept pushing it away and throwing it back at him.

I believed that everything I had been told was a lie because God hated gay people. It's what I was taught growing up, it's what so many around me believed. God and I battled big time, more than I wrote about, more than I've ever discussed, and more than I would have ever let on. I was angry, I was bitter and felt as if God had let me down. I had lived up to my end of the bargain and this was his end of the bargain? All those years before he couldn't have changed me? He couldn't have taken this away for me? He couldn't just have let me live the normal life that was expected of me by society? I loved not being the center of attention, to be the person people knew of but didn't care enough to really know. To blend in, and yet here I was, gay, if people were to find out everyone would talk about me, everyone will point and stare, and to a degree, those thoughts are still here.

God and I have mended fences, it took some time, it took some new people being brought into my life and it took life to happen. It took this time to open my eyes, my mind and my heart to realize that all the answers I was searching so hard for were right in front of me in my questions, in my anger and in my bitterness. God would not create something he hated and he created me just as I am, so if there is no way God would create something he would hate, he must love me just as he created me.

Don't get me wrong, there are still days that I sit and talk with God about the situation, about the craziness in my head, but I'm starting to pay more attention to the signs, to the idea that there isn't anything wrong with me, I deserve his love as much as the next person and the anger and the bitterness all stemmed from ideas brought forth by man, not by God. The anger, the bitterness, it all stems from something much deeper, something I have yet to fully discover, something I have yet to open my eyes to, and yet I chose this one part of my life and took it out on God.

I'm still not there, I'm still not 100%, but I'm getting there, thanks to the grace of God.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Good things for December

December 1: Heard some very good things about my progress and status with the new (now 5 week old) job. Helped to push away some of the emotional baggage, at least for a day. lol.

December 2: Came to terms with the lack of future for my second job, praying for the strength to go through with it this time.

December 3: Attended a Christmas party for the roomies work and had a good time and lots of laughter to follow.

December 4: Enjoyed Christmas shopping this morning and just heading from store to store enjoying my day, movie with the roomie, and just a Saturday that I haven't had in months.

December 5: I was reminded what good people I know when the boys replaced my bad brakes today and then had a great dinner and general merriment with them as well.

December 6: I feel blessed to have a job that I don't hate, pays my bills and affords me the luxuries I've missed, like christmas shopping. :)

December 7: Spoke with the manager of my second job and put in a notice.....I think. lol.

December 8: Today my good thing is my new friendships at work, I'm certain we knew each other in another life. lol.

December 9: Word has spread that I'm nearly done with my second job and no one is trying to stop me this time.

December 10: Graduated from training today!! Woot woot!! Also surgery went great and friends are on the mend!!

December 11: Got to see A & L today at the hospital and was filled with the feeling of goodness just being around them and their situation filled with love.

December 12: Spent the day in the warm house watching movies and playing games with the roomie. It was a great day.

December 13: Heard news of my leaving is spreading through my work place of my second job. That makes me think they are letting me leave this time. :)

December 14: I got to sleep in, go christmas shopping and make a good dinner for me and the roommate. It was a great day!

December 15: I feel blessed for working with such nice people.

December 16: Didn't have to work at O.M. tonight, got to enjoy an evening with the roommate!

December 17: Got to help J with some basic work, I do love helping people.

December 18: Had a wonderful family christmas with my extended family and was made to feel so much love.

December 19:Had a fantastic visit with some besties and my favorite little girl. My heart bursts with love for the three of them!

December 20: Had a good and safe drive home from NW Ohio, each trip makes me love living here even more.

December 21: Got to finish my christmas shopping and wrapping today! I'm all ready for christmas!

December 22: Helped a stressed family put together the christmas feeling into a house in the midst of a remodel

December 23: The good thing for the day is that I'm nearing the end of my shifts at O.M.

December 24: candlelight service is an amazing way to spend christmas eve!!!

December 25: A whole day with my family, time we don't get very often and everything went well!

December 26: My good thing today is that I realized I don't have to make that long drive again for the foreseeable future. lol.

December 27: Had some very nice things said to me today as I prepare to leave my second job and go down to a simple full time job for the first time in nearly 6 years.

December 28: I was thrusted into the 21rst century with my new smart phone today. Good bye 80's flip phone, hello internet everywhere!!

December 29: Joined a gym today and realized I won't be alone in this adventure.....for once.

December 30: It was my last day at the second job. I am now only employed by one company. It's crazy to think about.

December 31: Was happy to end the year with some friends for dinner and a quiet night watching a movie with Jeff. Jake and Cody eat your hearts out. ;) lol.