Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A great Birthday

My birthday was quiet, calm and fantastic.  I was up late the night before getting my place clean and set up for the appraisal so I was really tired when I got up at 7:30 in the morning to start my day. I had just fallen into bed about 3:30am.  But I got up, got some coffee in me and met the appraiser at the door and spent 1/2 hour taking her through the building talking about the renovations and things we did to improve the quality of the building.  It went well, she left and then I headed out with my brother to get some plumbing supplies to replace a water line in my basement so my water would be drinkable again. While out and about I helped him shop for a new dryer as his died and he needed a new one.

It was a nice time out with my bro.  I came home made some awesome quesadillas for lunch and then laid down for a 1/2 hour nap and then headed to the city to meet with an old friend of mine I only see once or twice a year.  We got to catch up, she took me to a fantastic Lebanese restaurant for dinner and then we talked more before I finally left. 

I had never told her I was gay, it never really came up in our conversations.  I knew she wouldn't have a problem with it so I wasn't afraid, it just never came up.  Last night she wanted to hear about my night out the other night for my birthday celebration, and it came up.  I didn't have a formal announcement or anything to her, here was the short end of the conversation:

Her: "So where did you go the other night for your birthday?"

Me: Oh we went to a little bar and saw some male strippers

Her: Oh, wait, did you say male strippers?

Me: Yeah, I wouldn't be a very good gay man if I saw female strippers for my birthday

Her: Silent, stunned.

Her silence lasted for about 2 seconds and then she got a big smile on her face and gave me a high five......really? A high five?  I laughed as she asked if it was alright that she wasn't surprised at all.  I told her it was fine and she wasn't the first to say she wasn't surprised.  We spent quite a bit of time talking about it.  Not a nosy gross sort of conversation, but purely academically.  She said there were questions she always wanted to ask, but never had anyone close enough to her to talk about it with.  It was all very great, she's such a wonderful person.

One question she posed: If you haven't really "been" with a guy, how do you know you are gay?  My response to that question was very easy...."Before you had sex the first time with a guy.....how did you know you were straight?"  She responded with....."I don't know, it was just natural" and then she had the aha moment I was waiting for.  It was a great conversation and she said she was just so excited for me.  It was just a wonderful evening of conversation.  We laughed so much and got caught up and just talked about life.  I had such a great time I drove home with such a feeling of being loved, I couldn't help but pray and thank God for all the wonderful people he's brought into my life, how blessed I am to know everyone that I hold so dear in my life, it was a great ending to a perfect day.

That's all really. I'm going out tonight to celebrate a coworker and I's birthday.  I don't have great expectations for the evening because I'm not feeling it, but that will probably change in a few hours when I get ready to go.  I'm just getting tired and need some rest to recharge after all these celebrations. lol.

Love you guys!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Oh what a night.

Yes, I must say while it wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, it was pretty damn close.

I wish I could put to words what this evening made me feel like, the thoughts that ran through my head, the things I felt both literatly and figuratively, but for those that are squirmish about those sorts of things I'll leave them out of this blog, but it was a great night. While a part of me felt it was kind of wrong, a bigger part of me loved every minute.

While it wasn't the birthday wish I have been hoping for, it did allow me to cross several items off the wish list, so all was good.  I must do this again before I move. :)

I can't help but smile and be giddy after a night like this.  If the monsoon had waited to show up it could have been better, but we survived and all is good.

Happy Birthday to me. :)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

This is where the title goes

With the announcement of the passage of the variance last week and the last article in the paper my sales have truly hit rock bottom.  As far as this town is concerned the deal is done and I'm gone.  It's frustrating, but at the same time exciting as the deal grows closer. 

I got some guff today about not being more excited, about not bouncing off the walls with excitement to be done.  I shrug it off but when my father asked me about it too I told him the truth, it's not done, it's still far from done.  Every time I get an email, or every time the buyer comes into the store or calls I keep waiting for the words.."I changed my mind, I'm walking away"  It's crazy I know, he's got money invested, he's announced on his website that he'll be moving in May, he's been quoted in the paper that with the passing of the variance that the deal was sealed.......and yet it's not.  There is no contract, no official agreement.  I know I should have more faith in the situation, but I really don't know this guy all that well.  I know his siblings well, I know his parents fairly well, but I really know nothing about this guy.

I guess reading B's blogs lately really have me thinking about how true it is in my life.  I've put a lot of faith in people, in the relationships I have and so few are ever real.  I don't know why I chose this relationship to figure this out on and pull away from, but it's probably because there is so much at stake on this deal. 

I do have excitement, but it comes in moments.  It comes at times when I'm zoning in on a boring commercial and my mind wanders and I imagine watching movies with B, or imagine the possibilities of the future in a new city, and new surroundings!  But then the moment passes and I worry about everything standing in my way.  It's a house of cards in my mind, just waiting to fall down.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, the rug to be pulled out from underneath me, and all the rest of the metaphors I can't think of right now. lol.

I guess I'll just wait it out, I'll feel so much better hopefully after the appraisal is done and the biggest mystery of all has been answered.  Just a few more weeks.

So with my birthday coming up, I'm reminded of the post I wrote last year.  It still holds true, and I'm just thinking it's probably not going to be one of the dancers, but I can wish can't I?  S offered to drive if it meant we could still go to the city.  He's the one that introduced me to the bar to begin with, I know he likes it and would rather go there than some of the teen clubs in the college town near by.  So it looks like it could be back on. 

This year as I started thinking about my birthday and that post, a phrase keeps playing over and over in my head.  It's a line from the beginning of a classic Disney movie that I love.."How could anyone learn to love a beast?"  I know it's crazy because I can be a really lovable guy, but the image I have of myself is just that, a beast.  I have a really hard time convincing myself that I'm worthy of love, and those moments that I start to believe that I'm worthy I think that no one could ever learn to love me even if I do deserve it.  I know that I'm never going to get anywhere with that attitude.  I really do believe I am my own worst enemy. 

I took my actual birthday off of work and thought maybe my family would want to celebrate with me, but I was told today that they were going to be out of town.  It's a long story about savings and such and time frames of who was available when, they are traveling with my aunt and grandmother and it just worked out for that.  They also assumed I would be celebrating with friends, which was a safe assumption most years, but it's going to work out.  I have a good friend that's moving away at the end of the month and it turns out that my birthday was the only day between now and then that we have to get together and she's super excited that it's my birthday and is planning to take me out to dinner and celebrate, so it's going to be a great night.  It was just kind of punch in the gut at first. 

I really need to quiet this little voice in my head that brings out these stupid thoughts.  I know they are irrational, I know they aren't true, and I just can't stop them.  For those people who believe they live in my head could you please track this voice down and kill it please?  Don't worry about the mess, my mind is filthy already it will just fit in. (I swear sometimes I really do crack myself up)

So those are the ramblings in my head today.  I just need to calm the hell down and relax.  It's going to be fine, I'm going to go on and live a healthy wonderful life with a wife and kids a house in the subburbs........oh wait, that's totally not me.  How about my hot male stripper and I living in a loft apartment high above the city and enjoying his millions as we travel the world?  yeah, that's more like it. :)

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ug, no more Mr. Nice guy. I'm cured

So over the last few weeks while this deal has been falling together I remembered what it was like at the beginning and decided as a surprise I was going to have a couple of additional things done to the place above and beyond the agreement as a surprise and a gift.  Just one or two sizable things.  We had a couple of things to figure out for the contracts and he said he would prefer to use his own roofing contractor to fix the part of the roof that is leaking because he's hiring him to do the rest of the work to the roof he is electing to have done.  He sent along his estimate and it's well over twice what I had figured. He's taking the scope of the work towards the final destination of what he wants which is why it's so much more.  I decided to not fight the cost but I decided to cut all extras that I was thinking of providing.  I was suddenly reminded that this is a business deal, and a business deal it will be.  I'm in to the place for $2600 dollars at closing plus the attorney costs, and I'm drawing the line. 

To be honest it's about what I planned on spending, but if I used my own contractors I could get a LOT more done for that money, so oh well.  Whatever he wants, but that's it.  I was going to have the roof done, the soffitts completed and a new air conditioner put in, but oh well. His loss.  He'll learn eventually.  It just won't be my problem anymore.  It will soon be his and I have to keep reminding myself of that.  It no longer matters how I would do things, I could push more on some of the things, but I decided to just let it go and get the deal done and just.walk.away.  I have to.  I just have to let it go and move on with my own life.

So anyway, the plans for the birthday night out are changing again.  I decided I didn't want to be the designated driver for friends of friends for my own birthday celebration so I don't think we're going to see the male dancers.  We have three people that agreed to drive but they don't want to drive in the city so if we went to see the dancers they wouldn't drive.  So I may just change my plans.  It makes me pretty sad, but that's how my birthday celebrations usually end up, so I shouldn't really be surprised.  Perhaps it's for the best, me+alcohol+half naked men would probably wind me up in jail. lol.

Well I think that's all for now.  Have to work early in the morning!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Random Thoughts similar to deep thoughts, only not as deep.

The zoning board approved the changes unanimously tonight so the deal is moving again.  Friday is the meeting with the lawyer and I'm awaiting a phone call from the appraiser to set up a time to get the appraisal done.  There is still a nagging feeling in the back of my head but it's starting to feel right.

There are moments in my life, they don't come too often when everything seems like it's leading to something....something great.  When I'm confident in my decisions and the direction I'm headed.  I always wonder if it's a sign that I'm coming around to the idea......or perhaps it's just in those moments where the chemicals in my head are fully balanced and that's what people feel like all the time.  Eh, I guess we'll see. lol.

So I saw a trailer for Sex in the City 2 movie. When it first started I kept thinking they should have just let it end at the last movie, and then I saw him..........John Corbet....he's back..........I.must.see.this.movie.  I'm hopeless.

So the plans for my birthday seem to be moving forward.  We're working on a vehicle and a driver.  It's looking like I may be the driver........seriously?  Oh well, at least I know I won't get carried away with drinking. lol.  Just not sure of the guest list.  It's me, two of my friends and 5 people I hardly know.  There is a part of me that wishes my closest friends could go, or wanted to go. I know they love me, so no worries, it just seems I don't seem to go out with them as much as I would like because they all have families.  Oh well, the life of a single guy in his thirties.

Well I think that's all for today.  If I sound down at all, I'm really not, it just seems to be the way I write.  Maybe my fingers need some medication as well?  Hmmm......... could that be the next million dollar idea?

LOL!


Um yeah, so I totally posted this to the wrong blog!  I can't stop giggling about that. 

Monday, April 12, 2010

Rumors from the underbelly of a small town.

So I heard tonight that I fell madly in love with a gay stripper in Cincinnati and that's why I sold the store and I'm moving down there so we can be together.

:blink:

um......yeah, that was my first reaction as well.  Perhaps this would be a good time for a sidebar.....huh?

So S is involved and chats frequently in the "under the radar" gay society of this little town.  The people who don't use names or send pictures because too many people know them and they hold positions in town and would be destroyed if they were to be found out.  Together we have pieced together the identity of several of their members, but he told me the latest started asking about me because I have been seen spending time with S in the past and he recently heard this rumor and wanted to know which way I swing to see if the rumor was true. 

I died laughing.  I guess I have developed quite a reputation in this society by who I'm spending time with.  My friendships with Ron and Norm, my friendships with Tracey and Doug.....they have all been noticed and recorded, and also has granted my automatic membership into this society.  I find it hilarious, S told this guy he had no idea which way I swang and told him the rumor was far from being true...well except for the Cincinnati part of it. lol. 

I of course had to get reassurance from S why they were asking.  I told him that if they wanted to hang out with me to give them my number because if this person is who we think he is, sneaking around would be so terribly easy. lol.  I've been checking this guy out for years, mostly because I can walk to his back door in less than two minutes. lol.  He has taken notice of quite a bit which is how we think we are able identify him, and I've suspected for as long as I've known him that he was gay.  He works for a catholic church so I can understand the hiding, but the whole situation is just so hilarious.

As I told S, if I had a hot stripper I was in love with waiting for me, I doubt I would have waited this long to leave. lol.

Oh there are times I'm going to really miss this place, it's just so hilarious at times!!!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Times and musicals change.

It was 5 years ago that I was working on purchasing this business.  Around this time I was working on a plan and started working with the SBA and going through paperwork, contacting banks, etc... All the while dealing with my jackass boss and a job I loved for a man I couldn't stand to be near.  What kept me motivated was the lyrics from a little musical called "Rent"

Forget regret, for life is yours to miss.

Those words kept me motivated and kept the drive alive inside of me.  I lived by those words for a long time and still keep my heart and my mind when things get tough.

Here it is 5 years later and I'm about to sell the business and I'm a different person.  A new musical has come along and found a way to talk to me again.  It's from a little show called "Wicked" and the song is "Defying Gravity"  I've been listening to the soundtrack and the words jumped out at me and I've been thinking a lot about them, but when I saw them performed tonight, it just really hit me.  Live music has that affect on me.  Here's the lyrics that jump out at me.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

GLINDA
Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur:

ELPHABA
I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:

Amazing isn't it?  I wondered on the ride home. Are these things God has placed before me to keep me going? Do I just read into things when I'm searching for help and answers and just find what I'm looking for in whatever musical I seem to be obsessed with at the time?  Or is it all just a funny coincidence?

Either way, I just love it all.  Whatever it takes right?

I'm glad I saw this with my sister because when the lights came up and my eyes were red and "watering" she didn't say a thing because her's were the same way.  It was an amazing show. How can people not love the theater? I just don't get it.

Have a great night!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Up

So I finally got around to watching the movie "Up" last night.  It.was.amazing.

The story is so heartfelt and sad and great all at the same time.  A story about great love, great loss and moving on.  It wasn't the movie I was expecting at all.

It's an image of how I always imagined love.  Granted it didn't show the bad times, but it shows what I expect.  Each of them caring for one another, getting through the tough times and the good times together.  I loved the end when he realizes she didn't die longing for her adventure because she saw her life as an adventure with him.

I know it's out there, I know he's waiting for me as much as I am waiting for him.  I know he'll love me for who I am, he'll make me feel loved and comfortable and fill me with the love I've waited for.

I'll be honest in saying I'm a bit disgruntle that he's missed out on the last 33 years and won't know what I've gone through to get to this point, and vise versa.  I hate to think that there is so much of my life I'm not able to experience with him, but that will make the experiences we share that much better.

I've not given up on love, I know it's there, I guess I'm just not ready for it yet. I don't need someone to make me complete, I don't need "a better half"  I am whole all by myself.  I don't need him to survive, I don't need him for me to enjoy life, but it would sure be nice to share it with him.  I find moments with my friends priceless and I wouldn't trade them for anything, I just wish I had someone to share them with.  I'm far from being alone, but it doesn't always stop the lonliness.  I love my life, so much so that I just want to share it with him.

So when he's ready and I find myself ready, we'll find each other.  It's my hope, it's my dream, it's my belief.  I'm a good person, I'm lovable and I have a lot of love to give.

Patience young grasshopper, patience.

I said nothing about having patience. ;)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Boy Crazy

So this phrase has been weighing on my mind the last few months. B talked about being boy crazy when she was going through some of her stuff when I was down in Cinci last time and it came up again when S mentioned it when we went out last month or so. I had really been getting down on myself about being too boy crazy the last six months or so but I've recently realized everyone goes through this, I've just seemed to hit it much later in life than most.

Early on in my life all of my guy friends went through the girl crazy period. I stayed silent through most of this period because I really had no interest. These girls were my friends and I didn't think of them that way. In fact I didn't see any girl in that way, I was crazy about some of my friends and many of their friends, but I knew from my up bringing that it was wrong and I shouldn't even open my mouth even a little bit about the subject. I would listen the girls I was friends with go nuts over the guys and I knew then too I should keep my mouth shut. So I stayed silent, never allowing myself to verbalize the thoughts that were in my head. I didn't know why I felt that way, I just figured I would change later in life.

I spent so much time as a kid staying quiet. Not really discussing much about what was in my head with anyone because I knew it wouldn't go over well. I prayed every night to be like everyone else, sometimes I would fake it in hopes it would just change me if I just got used to it, but it never helped. I knew I wasn't alone in the world, but in the late eighties, I was made to believe my thoughts were there because satan was trying to get to me. I poured myself into my youth group, but I didn't fit in. I was ridiculed and made fun of through my entire church childhood and after confirmation I swore to never be with those people again, and so far I haven't.

At one point I thought I could confide in my friend A. We spent so much time together and it was like he understood me and cared for me like a best friend should. I remember one weekend I was spending the night at his house which I frequently did in those years. We were sitting on the fold away bed talking and just chatting about everything because that's what we did and he said he had something very difficult to tell me and told me he was gay. I went silent and began to pace around the garage not sure what to say. I kept asking about his girlfriends and things like that and he kept asking if I was alright. I wasn't really thinking about anything except how to tell him I was too. This was probably in seventh grade or so.

I thought this was my chance to finally talk about it and get it out of my head. But before I finally had the nerve to say anything after probably 10 minutes and me telling him it was o.k. and he was my friend regardless he told me he was joking and proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes talking about how disgusting it was but how cool of a friend I was. A little part of our friendship died that night, and a little part of me died that night. I vowed to myself I would never speak of being gay for the rest of my life.

I put all my thoughts to the back of my head and refused to acknowledge their existence. I spent the next several years pretending to chase the unattainable girls. Girls I knew would never give me the time of day because I didn't want to catch them, I just wanted people to think I just had taste above what I could have. It worked for several years.

As the last few years have gone by and some of my closest friends now know I've allowed myself to look and I guess I finally entered my boy crazy phase. I'm trying to let myself off the hook a bit, allowing myself this phase that everyone else goes through, even if it's many years after most. I'm not dating like a wild man and doing crazy things in this phase like many of my friends, I'm just looking.

With looking back at the good, comes memories of the bad. Things have changed and there is no going back, only moving forward. I'm still finding my way, I just need to give myself a break on somethings and keep learning along the way. :)

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Good Friday

I'm not sure why, but it seems I always reflect on one particular good Friday since it happened. I was trying to remember the year this afternoon and I just couldn't think of it. I think I had already graduated college, but I can't remember for sure.

I was driving home from Michigan, it was strange weather, they were calling for severe storms later that evening. I always headed home early on Good Friday to attend our Good Friday services, I hadn't missed one yet because I enjoyed them so much.

I'm heading down 23 south just enjoying my music and I came up on stopped traffic just outside of Dundee Michigan. I still had plenty of time so I wasn't rushed or upset, it was not uncommon for stops on 23 so I just slowed down and stopped. I enjoyed my music for awhile longer, had a cigarette or two and started to get a little antsy when I noticed people were sitting on their cars instead of in their cars, so I got out of my car as well.

A nice guy (who was pretty easy on the eyes as well) came up and started talking to me. He had already ventured up a few cars or so and found out there was a 12 car pile up a few miles ahead. We chatted for awhile, more people came up and we all chatted as a group. We talked about where we were headed, what we did, the usual small talk. My topic of Good Friday services started a conversation about other Good Friday services and some of them shared what their churches do. Some of the non church goers moved on to other groups on the highway, others stayed and asked questions. We didn't really share a lot about faith, but it was neat to hear stories from other churches.

My church does a song or two, has a sermon and then they read the passion history from Luke in something like 8 parts and after each part they extinguish a candle and have some form of special music and then move on to the next. All leading to a completely dark and quiet sanctuary. At the end the choir sings the first two or three verses of "Were you there" as they slowly one by one leave the front of the church. The front of the church is bare after the Maunday Thursday stripping of the alter and no one is left up front and the only light was the dimly lit spotlight highlighting our wooden cross drapped with black netting. As we sit in silence they play a soundtrack of a thunderstorm I put together back in middle school and use a rigged spotlight from the balcony to represent lightning. It's quite an experience and there is rarely a dry eye as we leave in silence not to return until we arrive Easter morning in silence and await the grand processional.

Anyway, I'm back in my car reading a book and the I noticed the wind changed. I looked up to see the early evening sky was changing and it didn't look good. I switch on to find a local radio station to figure out how bad this storm was going to be. Just as I found the local station they broke in with the Emergency Broadcast Signal to notify the area of tornados all over the county. Just about that time the rain started........then came the hail. I've watched enough about tornados to know that it wasn't looking good. For some reason I wasn't really panicked. It might have been stupidity or shock, but I think it was faith. It was an odd feeling when the nasty thunderstorms started. Lightning all around, thunder that rattled the car, as a thunderstorm lover it was amazing.

As the storm lightened up, they got the accident cleared and we were on our way again. I got home just as my parents got home from the service, I had missed it, but I felt in a way I had a more real service than the one I missed. I tried to imagine while I was in that storm what it was like when Jesus passed. The ground opening up, the terrible storm, the feeling that things were about to change forever and it was something I just never forget. The feeling of raw power from God, it just seemed so fitting to be sitting there on the highway experiencing it all.

There is no way to really close this post, I just thought I would share.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Wonder if it's a pattern

So today was a day I never saw coming. I have taken Xanex before, it helps me handle stress and allows me to laugh more, but today I discovered I really needed it to cope.

It's never really happened before, not like this. This morning I really truly had a hard time convincing myself to get out of bed. I've had days where I didn't want to get out of bed, but it was because I was tired or just too comfy. But this morning I was different. Getting out of bed just seemed so overwhelming, the idea of being a member of society was more than I could take.

After an hour or so I finally convinced myself to just take it step by step. Get out of bed, then to make coffee, etc... I managed to get into my usual routine for the morning. Then I had to get some banking done and headed into my office to get the deposits and such made and came across the stack of bills and nearly lost it. The stupid thing is there is money to pay those bills, I have the stamps I need to mail them, I have everything I need to pay them and have them done but the thought of them just freaked me out.

I checked the messages on my machine and had a message from my brother about spending a day at my parents cutting a tree down and I went into hysterics about having one day off and a whole series of things that made no sense. The scary thing was, no one was in the room with me and I wasn't talking to anyone. I had a message from work that just got me worked up even more and it didn't really say anything at all, but it came in at 6am and it was enough for me to lose it. All this in a mere 1/2 hour of sitting at my desk in my office.

I knew I was in trouble for the day so I dug out my stash of Xanex and popped one right away. By the time I got to work I was feeling good again and the day went well.

I'm all for medications to correct any kind of chemical unbalance, I'm not too proud, I'm not ashamed, but I was shocked. It was a whole new experience and it scared me. I kept wondering if this was going to be a continuous thing or if my diet is out of balance again. The only thing I worry about is the fact that I have a limited supply of Xanex to last me. I can only hope that if this is going to happen more often it at least waits until I get health insurance to help pay for the doctor and prescription.

This last year has been the hardest at getting old. There have been so many issues that have come up that make me realize I'm not young anymore. My body is telling me it's time to grow up.......and that sucks.

But I'm here to say I'm doing better. The xanex has worn off and I'm still o.k. I know that if I wake up the same way tomorrow morning, I'll be just fine.